Rented Tuxedo

My girlfriend was nominated for a Director's Guild Award, for being a part of the daytime serial directing team, of television's "baby-killer" soap, Days of Our Lives. That's pretty impressive, lucrative, amazing, and all sorts of assorted hyperbole that I can't hunt down. She's quite the awesome lady and I am proud to be dating her. Since she is part of the nominated directing team, she is invited to the HUGE awards dinner at the Century City Hyatt Regency. I did not receive an invitation and thought I was going to stay at home on Saturday night and play videogames. Instead, I get a call from my girlfriend Thursday afternoon saying she scored an extra ticket and asking if I wanted to go. "Sure- that sounds like fun!" "Can you rent a tux?" Hmmm...can I rent a tux? This question should be preceded by, "Do I WANT to rent a tux?" As much as I like dressing up, I feel like the tuxedo pales in comparison to a nice suit with a sweet tie, and a modest, but sharp-looking vest. The problem is that I've never been to one of these things so I don't know how important it is to wear a tux and I assume that everyone is going to be in their nicest attire. It is, and they are. So I roll down to "Tuxedos by Mike" Friday morning, the day before the event, hoping that he will have something for me. I walk in right when "Mike" opens up shop(he's standing on his storefront's stoop, smoking a comically large cigar and reading the Hollywood Reporter), and I tell him I need to rent a tux. Mike(thick armenian accent): What kind of tuxedo would you like? First of all, this is the second time I've ever rented a tux. The first was for my junior prom. Somehow, I've figured out how to make it to 23 years old having rented a tux ONCE. Looking back, I remember half a dozen occurrences when I would have had the possibility of wearing a tux. For instance, I was a groomsman at my college roommates wedding; except we wore khaki pants and white shirts with yellow lillies pinned on them. Needless to say, I'm aware of only one kind of tuxedo- the regular one. And since I don't know how strict they are at the Century City Hyatt Regency, I opt for the all black, vest and bowtie, traditional penguin style tuxedo. I change clothes and put on the shirt, the bow tie and the pants and emerge from the dressing room. I'm a young guy, I've got some metal pinned into my face, I was unshaven and probably hadn't showered since the previous morning, and maybe I looked a little ridiculous in the tuxedo, but not like a hobo or anything. "How do I look?" I ask the PROFESSIONAL tuxedo technician(engineer? taylor?) "What event are you going to?" Mike asks me. "The Director's Guild awards." "Oh yes..." as he looks me up and down "Are you working?" So in case you see any press photos of Jake Gyllenhaal or Clint Eastwood or Steven Spielbeg and you recognize me and say, "Hey! Jeff's a banquet waiter! He got to work the DGA awards! That's so cool!" Fuck off, Tuxedos by Mike! Epilogue: Days of Our Lives did not win the award. My girlfriend and I, were a little late(she had to work) and because of that, we didn't receive the following items- salad dressing a wine glass a napkin wine an entree If anyone can find these at the Century City Hyatt Regency, please let me know because the filet mignon Clooney was eating looked really good.