Law & Order: Parking Enforcement

Wednesday, March 8th
8:55 AM
1107 N. El Centro Ave
Hollywood, CA

I arrived to work at the usual time, just before 9 AM. No one comes into the office until 9:40, but I leave early to beat the traffic and I get a lot done before the office gets too noisy.

Wednesday is always a nice, low stress day because Monday and Tuesday have street cleaning and we can't park on one side of the street; it's a big horrible anxiety-inducing regatta in the morning and we never recover from it for the rest of the day. Of course, LA people will understand the desire to park legally due to the hefty fine levied against you should you park your car ANYWHERE it might not be allowed.

So I roll down El Centro hoping to find a good spot out front, instead I am greeted by about twenty orange cones marking off approximately 3,000f the parking on the street. I can't believe what I'm seeing. No parking anywhere in the near vicinity. What the fuck?!

Here's the thing that I'm the most mystified about- there aren't any signs. If they were doing road work, the signs not only would be up currently, they would have been up for three days before road work began. If it was a film shoot, we would have needed a public announcement from the location manager a week in advance. But there is no sign of any signs. Fuck it. You can't stop me from parking here, then.

So I carefully wedge myself between two poorly placed cones, get my shit and walk up to the office.

And I go about my normal "opening" routine, but all the while I keep looking out the window to see what the fuck is going on with those fucking cones. Finally, some dude on a cell phone walks out of the alley and greets somebody that is driving up. He walks over to a primo spot and moves the cones.

It turns out it's just some guy who has coned off our street. Sooooooo illegal. I'm sooooo in the mood to bust somebody this morning. I mean, I want to bust this DB* but I don't like the bad karma; therefore, he'll get a chance to move his stupid cones before I call the IEDC on his BoostMobile chirpchirp ass.

The following is a transcript of the conversation that followed:

ME: Excuse me.
DB: Yes?
ME: Are those your cones?
DB: Yes.
ME: Why are they there?
DB: Well, I- uh-
ME: Because I work in the building right here and there isn't any place to park.
DB: Yeah- you see- I- I-
ME: You just let those people into a spot. Are you shooting something? I must have missed your posting.
DB: Oh yeah- I- um- it's not really a shoot. More like a computer thing.
ME: Uh-huh, well I don't see any signs and I've got my employees driving up and down the street looking for parking.
DB: Yeah. You see I was waiting for these two clients to show up.
ME: Where exactly are you doing this "computer thing?"
DB: (points to the next street over) The building down there.
ME: Why can't you park in their lot?
DB: Yeah. Well, you see, I was just waiting for these two clients.
ME: OK, great, I'm going to just move your cones so that my employees can park on their street and I'll bring the cones over to the next street over and you can cone that street off, although I'm not sure that the trannie hookers will like you putting obstructions in their place of business and some of those dudes carry knives.
DB: Yeah. OK. That sounds good.
ME: Thanks.

I think I was more than lenient with this guy. My boss wanted to call the police right away and bust him, not only for illegal parking obstruction, but all his cones said, "Dept. of Water and Power" and something tells me the DWP was not doing a "computer thing" across the street.

Later that day, I looked out and sure enough, none of the cones had moved. Everyone from my office had obeyed the cones and parked two blocks away, which is exactly what I didn't want to happen. Whatever. If I see that guy again, I'm going to kick him in the nuts.



*douche bag