Seriously guys. I've been dumping nuclear waste into the ocean for the last sixteen years. I use too much hairspray, and other PCBs, and I keep the microwave door open when it's on. WTF, right?
I've even invested in private oceanic drilling firms to help widen cracks in the earth's crust in the hopes that some lava will force a Giant Squid from the depths, angering it to the point where it will wrap itself around the Golden Gate Bridge or the Brooklyn Bridge, or the Eiffel Tower. What's the deal?
Early last year, I invested in numerous nuclear reactors across the coasts of major accident-prone industrial countries. You'd think that one of them would contaminate Giant Squid infested waters at some point right?
My philanthropy to various shadow corporations for illegal marine life testing has gone unrewarded(unless you count the wonderful hemp tote bag I received for donating at the 'angel' level). Donations to nefarious meglomaniacal terrorist factions show nary a ripple in the water. Even the pennies I throw at the most sinister looking hobos result in nothing, but a wet dog smell from their aching fingers.
The years I've dreamed of a Giant Squid ravaging a coastal city to the horror of it's longshoreman and assorted street vendors. I wish to gaze upon headlines gracing DrudgeReport of a collassal calamari crushing city buses in it's mighty radioactive tentacles. I long for the carnage caused by this beast from the cold, black depths tearing skyscrapers like short ribs.
But nooooooo….I sit here in my condominium in Santa Barbara watching people ride their bikes on the boardwalk and have delicious barbeques; unknowingly lucky for living another day not being devoured by a giant squid.
[sigh]
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