Dear Intelligent Life Exploratory Committee,
Welcome to Earth! As you can see, we human beings have successfully and irresponsibly destroyed the entirety of our civilization leaving nary a male or female component to procreate and repopulate our species. As we used to say at the apex of our civilization, "Shit happens."
Anyways, feel free to look around and glean what you can from the skeletal remains of our technologically advanced culture. However, it could take years and years and years to figure our society out by looking at all our remains; your alien archaeologists could spend decades trying to make sense of all our material and amoral society, so to ease the scientific process, I've created this indestructible vault and placed in it the most valuable items to help you understand who we humans were and how we worked.
Unpacking the box marked "Open Me First," you will find an indispensable staple of our highly-evolved civilization- A TV with integrated VCR. Sorry, but I was probably holding the remote when my body disintegrated in the nuclear holocaust.
The box marked "Open Me Second," has the other items I have left for you- 600 used VHS tapes from the years 1973 – 1997, the golden age of our supreme high culture.
While it shouldn't take more than 4 Earth months to watch all the videos, which encompass an exceedingly broad spectrum of human emotions and events, I've chosen a few to highlight and expand upon:
VHS #528- Smokey and the Bandit(1977) – Legendary comedian Burt Reynolds and his trademark moustache star in this high-speed, country fueled, 200 horsepower movie set in the American south. While it may seem like a ridiculous movie based on a silly premise, this film shows what Mankind will do for the single most important substance of our civilization- beer. You will notice that many movies include obscene quantities of this substance, as you will also see it's effect on modifying our bodies (Beer Goggles, Beer Belly, Beer Foot).
VHS #005 – A View to a Kill(1985) – While actor Roger Moore plays noted British Spy James Bond, that's not the importance of this movie; what's important is that a 58-year-old(also known as, one foot in the grave) man can do the things he does in this movie including have sex with Grace fucking Jones. I hope your alien species doesn't have a weak stomach-type thing. Also, this movie is 100% factual truth.
VHS #291 – Titanic (1997) – This is the greatest film that has ever been made. The pinnacle of artistic integrity, performance, and vision.
VHS #075 – Weekend at Bernie's (1989) – I hope you're taking notes, gentleman, because you could learn a lot about how humans deal with bizarre and taxing circumstances from this dramatic masterpiece. When forced to deal with his boss's death, Johnathan Silverman must summon the courage to attend multiple social gatherings all the while trying to portray his boss as animated(latin for "full of life"). It should be noted that Johnathan Silverman was overlooked for any achievement award for this brilliant performance. Pay close to attention as he is a nuanced actor, and his emotions sweep the gamut of all humankind has to offer.
The rest of the VHS tapes offer up a broad spectrum to dissect and analyze and when you are done, you'll be able to quite accurately examine how it is our species vaporized much of what had been accomplished.
Good Luck with the rest of the universe and Happy Viewing!
Posthumously your friend,
Jeffrey Alan Crocker
PS- You may have to adjust the tracking on each video as the TV/VCR was in my closet for a few years before I sealed it in the vault.
Friends: What other VHS tapes should I put in the vault? (Besides Red Dawn, a factual documentary about World War III)
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