Take That, Independent Cinema!

I just erased a movie.

It took less than 30 seconds, but I just erased an entire movie from existence. There were three hard drives here with the movie that I helped shoot last December. Litigation ensued(no pun entended) and when the editors sent back the hard drives they sat and collected dust for a few months.

Today, the last day of my job at this office I have worked at for the last 16 months, I wiped those hard drives and deleted the movie from our precious gigabytian space.

It is a certain level of discomfort I feel that the first feature I worked production on met with such an untimely demise, though i have to admit, I'm certainly glad that it was me that pressed the big red button. The lessons I learned throughout this stressful encounter with cinematic anxiety are enough to last me a long time and definitely things I hope that I never run into again.

On a related but unrelated note, one of the other hard drives snapped and crashed it's aluminum/silicone truck packed with data-fertilizer into the Oklahoma City Federal Tower that is our editorial computer. The Timothy McVeigh of hard drive manufacturers, LaCie, will receive the death penalty from me as I never will buy any of their products again.

On a completely unrelated note- now is the best chance to subscribe to my blog. since i'll be unemployed i'll be able to fill the void that is MySpace with deliberate and neurotic prose, or other awkward domestic terrorism related metaphors. Doesn't that sound like a picnic?

Here's a Word Problem:

In December 2005, Jeffrey sends $40 for a subscription to a quarterly DVD magazine. In June 2006, the end of the second quarter of the year, he has not recieved anything. Jeffrey sends 2 e-mails to the people responsible for this ridiculous lapse of customer service. The next day the first reply says, "You should get it any day now." 2 hours later, the other response says, "It will ship to you in a few weeks." Then a THIRD mysterious e-mail arrives proclaiming the DVD magazine will ship at the end of June.

Who is lying? Please show all work.

Bonus question: How are they going to do a quarterly magazine when the 1st one is six months late?

One Win, Two Losses

1-2 is my prediction for USA's World Cup, Round 1 outcome.

I'll be rooting for the Czechs on Monday to roll the US. Italy will just walk over them next Saturday, and I think they have a good chance against Ghana in the third match.

Honestly, I would love to see another USA v. Mexico match in Round 2 like four years ago, because it makes this city (and probably the country) go insane. I'm also looking forward to Wednesday's Germany v. Poland live from Germany. There's something about insane rivalries that makes the World Cup so goddamn amazing. And the World Cup is pretty much a HUGE insane rivalry, converging on one city every four years.

Go Czechs! (sorry america)

That's Mr. Evil Superman, To You...

This weekend I did some "spring cleaning" and as a result, I threw away probably close to 35 LBS of garbage that I had accumulated over the past 5 years of living here. The next day, I took my old computer monitor to be "recycled." The monitor recycle place was a tiny computer store in an industrial part of town. I walked in and there was no one there, so I made some noise with my throat and set the monitor down as loud as I could hoping someone would pay attention to me. I could see straight through to the back of the store and in the back loading bay, there were old CRT monitors piled past the cieling. Five truckloads. Later when i called my friend to tell him about that, he said, "Yeah, our largest export is garbage. We just ship everything with lead and mercury out of the country. The non-biodegradable styrofoam stays here in a landfill, or we probably send it to Canada."

It made me think of Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, the one where Superman collects all the nuclear weapons in the world and then throws them into the Sun to destory them forever(redundant). But Lex Luthor places an evil Superman embryo-egg-thing on one of the weapons so when it hits the sun evil Superman is borne(goddamn right 'borne' with an 'e').

This of course reminded me of all the reports of "space junk" that we send into space. Satellites that just stop working and then drift into the outer rims of our universe. Space Junk sounds like a really horrible thing that kids from Berkeley should be protesting about, except the only missing piece of information is that we don't know how big the universe is. It could be like dropping a piece of sand somewhere in Montana. Or it could be like dropping a boulder in a kid's sandbox. Or perhaps our universe is some sort of inverted torus knot and eventually if something flies out of our galaxy, it will come sailing back from the other side.

Because we have no grasp mentally or physically as to how big the universe is, (if it is indeed singular) we can't ever feel small or helpless or insignificant. Since there are no boundaries, no scale, we have no way of knowing if we are the big, ultimate hairless monkeys in space, or if the light-matter-beasts of Upsilon-Q7, with their light refracting skin(invisibility) and telekinetic powers(telekinesis) are in fact, the big kahunas we should welcome with tribute and sacrificial offerings.

Either way, I hope that the Comcast satellite that is sailing past Jupiter doesn't mutate into an evil Superman, because we don't have a good Superman to stop him.

And that movie was ultra-lame.

ToonTown is a Bad Idea

For those that have never been to a Disneyland Theme Park, a while back they added in a new "land" based on "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"

They built ToonTown.

Sounds harmless right? Except for the fact that the location of ToonTown serves as a key plot element of the movie because it is where the main character's brother was MURDERED.

In fact, the body count in this movie is extraordinarily high, human and 'toon alike, especially for a Disney movie(I'm pretty sure there isn't a Bambi ride called, Escape from the Mean Ol' Forest Fire). But for the love of god, who thought it was a good idea to build ToonTown?

OK, so even though we never see this fateful ToonTown murder, when the characters end up going to ToonTown, they engage in numerous moving violations, a car accident due to negligence, two shootings and aggravated assault. Hey, Michael Eisner! I've got a great idea for a new addition to Disneyland! I call it Hilarious Spanish Harlem! Or better yet, as an addition to your ridiculous California Adventure attraction, where you can buy beer and wine, let's build The Wonderful World of Compton! How about adding a ride in FrontierLand- Chinese Opium Slave Whore Den! The kids won't know the difference because they'll be laughing with glee as they chase the dragon for the first time!

I'd love to meet the kid that JUST watched Roger Rabbit before going to ToonTown in Disneyland, and his parents hold him by the hand as the kid staggers, horrified, into the attraction- constantly looking over his shoulder for ex-con toons- you know, the ones with the tear drops drawn on to their cheeks, and the barbed wire inked around their arms. His parents wonder why their child is terrified by such a colorful and goofy locale!

Now I know that some of you will draw parallels to other murderous rides as Disneyland, but I can't think of any other rides or attractions that are based on something so completely evil. The only one that comes close is Pirates of the Caribbean, the original with the raping pirates, not the "hungry" pirates. But that ride doesn't really have any death implied or involved. Splash Mountain has it's problems, like how scary it gets (go to your laughing place) and it's origin from the delightfully racist, Song of the South. But nothing comes close to the deadly gang-infested, crime-ridden streets of ToonTown.

To whomever was responsible for ToonTown being built, congratulations on a battle won for diversity- you've given the jailhouse toons, the Crip and Blood toons, the pedophile toons, the toons with the Boost Mobile phones and gold teeth, a place to go where they can live as they want to- in a crazed world of murder, slapstick comedy, and sight gags.

PS: I would love to have written a blog about the Hollywood Limousine "ride," from California Adventure, except that no one would REALLY know what I was talking about except for a very very few people.

I don't know if there will ever be a ride like that again...

EDITED TO ADD: here is an amazing excerpt from Wikipedia about "Superstar Limo"

"... One of the original Hollywood Backlot attractions was "SuperStar Limo," which was the only dark ride in the entire park. Its plot revolved around the guest being a celebrity who had just arrived at Los Angeles International Airport, and who is taken for a ride through Hollywood in a limousine. The humor was based on inside jokes ("Madame Leota" from The Haunted Mansion makes a cameo appearance) and obsessed fans and paparazzi, and much of it very likely went over the heads of many guests. The attraction was criticized for crude sets and characters, and was the first attraction in the park to close. It was open for less than a year, and a Monsters Inc. attraction has been constructed in its place. The Monsters Inc ride opened on January 23, 2006, following its soft opening in late December 2005."

EDIT TO ADD MORE: here is an excerpt from "The Disney Blog," that certainly serves as the flipside for this coin (http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/1685875)

January 21, 2005
Remembering Superstar Limo
I was able to visit Disney's California Adventure soon after it opened, which means I actually got to ride the infamous Superstar Limo. I already read lots of negative buzz before my visit, so I definitely made a point to experience it, since I had a feeling it wouldn't be around for long (and the non-existent line was another clue!). Of course, the attraction pretty much was what I expected, and since that one ride I've read so many jokes and jeers about it that even my own memories were altered into thinking it was the worst attraction conceivable.
Well, I recently watched the SuperStar Limo DVD from the Extinct Attractions Club, and it's not nearly as bad as I remembered! Some of the caricatured animatronics are actually kind of clever (even with limited movement), and even though 90% of the sets are painted flats, it's still really colorful and fun. The queue featured some cool graphic design, and the purple limo ride vehicles themselves were on a par with the cabs in Roger Rabbit's Car-Toon Spin (minus the spin). There was even a quick Madame Leota parody that I had completely forgotten! On the other hand, I'm amazed at how terrible the CG Joan Rivers and the agent were!
I'm looking forward to whatever happens to this attraction, since anything is better than keeping it closed. I'm certainly in favor of a Monsters, Inc. attraction, but I'm kind of hoping they keep the limos in the theme somehow.
EDITED TO ADD ANOTHER BLOG ENTRY: Go here for a longer description of all things Superstar Limo. This one is especially good for a few reasons: 1.) The blogger stood outside the exit and listened to people talk about the ride as they left, 2.) It's from a site entitled "LaughingPlace.com" and 3.) he defends the fact that the ride is going to get better after they 'revamp' it. HA! Go here- LAUGHINGPLACE.COM
EDITED TO ADD: GOD'S WOUNDS! I FOUND PICTURES!!! AAAAHHHH!!!

Crowds are screaming for more Whoopi!

Look! It's Drew Carey!
God Bless the internet!

Signature of Jeff Crocker
6/8/06

My Latest Investment

Recently, I decided to create a source of opportunity for myself. Seeing as success and jobs and such were not coming to bang down my door with flowers and giant checks, I entered into a long-term investment opportunity.

Yesterday, I rented King Kong.

I borrowed this film from my local cinematic investment broker(Hollywood Video on 7th and Euclid, the hub of such activity in the Long Beach area), and I must say that so far, I am a little worried this investment will not pay off.

Seeing as this is a temporary investment, something I must return at a pre-determined date, set by said investment broker, I can only speculate (in the parlance of Wall Street) that my dividends will be extended to me down the line. Perhaps there is an equation that Prof. Demitriou did not teach me in Economics; an algorithm that Brian Leung, our local genius, wunder-kid, couldn't balance; is it possible that this investment may not work out for me?

I mean, I've already invested two hours of my life over two nights and I'm only about sixty percent finished with this investment.

There is also the question as to how said dividends will present themselves. Could it be that Peter Jackson will pay me for my time, because let me tell you- after finishing this movie, my hourly rate is going through the roof. Perhaps WETA workshop, who created (besides the entire movie) King Kong himself, will use their powerful computers and New Zealand charm to create three beautifully rendered hours to replace the ones that I have invested?

All these questions are unclear to me, but as a dedicated investor, I'm not worried about the outcome. You would think I would have learned my lesson after investing 7 hours in the last two Lord of the Rings movies, but faith knows no bounds, and I'm sure Peter Jackson (or one of his six thousand children) is keeping track of my bill (which incidentally rounds out to about 10 HOURS).

To clarify, I'm not demanding the time back per se; I just feel that as an investor in this movie, chronologically(if you take my meaning), I feel that my investment should be repaid. Preferably with interest.

My investment must be returned to the library of cinematic investments by midnight on Sunday, at which time I hope to have finished this giant monkey of a movie.

Has anyone made errors in their investments recently? (I'm looking at you, X-Men 3) or am I in the wrong here...?

An Interview With Screen Legend Matthew Lillard

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with America's hottest actor and TeenVogue's 68th sexiest man alive, my silver screen hero, and the genius behind the character "Shaggy" from Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed- Matthew Lillard.

Acting in over 40 movies in his short life, Matthew Lillard, however, has since become a reclusive character, spending his days on his ranch in Riverside, where he breeds horses for fighting and for glue manufacturing. As I approached his rather large barn made entirely out of human skulls, a ringing gun-shot caught my attention and there I saw the man who took Thir13en Ghosts to the next level, who made America laugh in the Seth Green comedy Without a Paddle, and of course, that dastardly Stuart, from Wes Craven's Scream.

Lillard has kept himself well-groomed despite the lack of proper bathing facilities in his altar-barn, the upkeep of his boyish good looks has blossomed underneath the long, pointed beard and black eyeliner.

MySpace: Good morning, Mr. Lillard I'm-

Matt Lillard: You are the emissary they sent to procure my services, are you not?

MS: I suppose, I'm not sure what my editor worked out with you.

ML: Forsooth, I am but a humble passenger on our dark lord's tumbling chaotic world.

MS: What a great quote! Is that Shakespeare?

ML: Foolish flesh-mortal, you know not what you speak of!

MS: Ha ha! I know I know- YOU'RE the trained actor, I'm the a-hole with the tape-recorder. Say, is there someplace comfortable we could sit down and chat?

ML: You may kneel before my throne of despair.

MS: Sounds good to me.

We walk inside the dark, imposing barnhouse. It's lit only by black candles fixed atop hands reaching from the black dirt below our feet. A fountain of blood bumbled happily in the center of the room, a nice addition to this seemingly disparaging abode.

After we sat down, we exchanged further pleasantries, and Matthew really began to open up to me.

ML: You see, as an artist of the demon god Cthulu and his lord before him, I feel like I never truly get to explain my purpose on this disgusting plane. The charity work that others do are all in vain for this world shall meet it's end very soon.

MS: Do you have a release date yet?

ML: If memory serves, it is written in the book of Sa-

MS: You know, it's cool, I'm sorry, I'll have my research intern look it up in Variety. I did want to ask you about your involvment with horror movies and just assorted bizarro and intense images in general. Has this been a dream of yours since growing up in Orange County, or did you become interested in genre films in college?

ML: My education began in my mother's festering womb, where I gave a blood oath to the lord of darkness and damned myself to hell eternally.

MS: How sweet! And how exactly did your mother influence your "craft" when you were born?

ML: My mother will be damned to the same fate as me, for she tried to exorcise me once the omen of the damned presented itself upon my forehead.

MS: Well, she took quite a risk showing you such scary movies as "The Exorcist" and "The Omen" at such a young age. It paid off indeed, as you are a part of some of the most edgy, ground-breaking cinema America has seen since the days of "Roots." Do you think that you are getting better as you move on, or do you feel that your sexy, adventurous days are over?

ML: All our days are numbered and only the prince of darkness shall cure the disease of your flesh.

MS: I supposed that's true in philospohical terms, but what I really want to know is, since moving away from Hollywood and re-inventing yourself as a dramatic actor, rather than the man who makes Scooby Doo laugh, do you think that an Oscar is in your future?

ML: You know, I think the Academy is going to be the first entity to perish when the waves of fire engulf our existence- seriously, why hasn't Jim Carrey won yet?

MS: A question we all must ask ourselves from time to time indeed. Thank you for spending some time with us on MySpace. I think I speak for all of us out there when I say we can't wait for your inevitable return to the red carpet and subsequently, the silver screen.

ML: Aye, for I will carpet the world with the red blood of virgins and the destroy your god with my silver sword of pain!

Leaving Matthew Lillard estate I am definitely a changed man- his staggering genius knows no bounds, it feels no constraints and he will obviously continue to give Oscar a run for his money, come next February.

Interview by Jeff Crocker
Logged and blogged: 6/6/06