One day, when the system has gotten the best of me for the last time, and I slam my fist down on a giant, plastic resin desk, and scream into the heavens, "NEVER AGAIN!" I will know that the world will crumble under my iron fist of a superior rule. There will be the necessary steps taken to create a latex suit with a utility belt; a secret volcano lair(does it get any MORE secret?); and a grand scheme of schizophrenic, meglomaniacal proportions.
Without any magical gem, or alien superpowers, I will need some sort of super-villian power that will make the populace sink to their knees and cry like babies. It's very obvious that without eye beams, or super strength, or psychokinesis, or razor sharp fingernails, I must turn to something that is SUPREMELY powerful: The SAT analogy.
Think about it- there is nothing more min-numbingly, emotionaly, crippling than those stupid analogies. EVERYBODY hates them. Granted, there are people that have excellent vocabulary skills and scored 1600s on their SATs, but they will fall easily to my well-trained StormTroopers.
On top of that, they have just removed analogies from every SAT from here on out, meaning there won't be anyone training with the skills needed to defeat me. I'll be unstoppable.
This does lead me to the question, "Are you allowed to take the SAT if you're not in high school anymore?" Of course, I'm sure this leads all you people to the question, "WHY?!"
Well, remember all those times that you were studying for the SAT and your parents were absolutely no help to you whatsoever? "I don't remember this stuff..." "It's been so long since i did long division." "When you take over the family cement pouring business, you won't need 'reading comprehension,' kid!" Maybe we need a leader to start making people keep up their "skills," as Napolean Dynamite would say. And it doesn't matter who you are or what you do. Shouldn't everyone need at least a little basic knowledge?
They've taken analogies off the SAT's, replaced them with more "comprehensive" questions, and added an essay. The highest score you can get is 2400. Does that mean if I ever want to go back to college, does my lame 1220 (75turn into a totally bummer 50€I guess that's incentive not to go back to college.
Personally, when I flip out and take over the world, I'm going to be making some changes of my own to the SAT. First, it'll be 2 multi-part questions. You will have to write an essay about a pre-determined topic, using all of a list of vocabulary words provided in a word bank. The second part will be a really really long, complicated math problem, pertaining to concepts that adolescent kids care about. For instance:
Jillian has 1,644 mp3s in her iPod which holds 60 gigabytes. Each song is exactly 40KB of memory. She recieves a Napster gift card for $15 to buy more songs. Songs cost $1 each on Napster. If she buys 14 new songs and deletes 38 from her iPod, how many Megabytes are left for her on her iPod?
You get the idea. Something relevant. Maybe even fun. I don't know how it will work, but I will definitely be threatening some people to make it more exciting.
Feel free to leave comments in praise of my beautiful, utopian society of intelligensia, and you will not be the first ones against the wall.
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