The Horror. The Horror.

Please let me know if this has EVER happened to you, because I want to believe that it is more common that not; either way it was the most terrifying experience I've ever had, next to watching Event Horizon. Also, if I had to give this weblog a rating it would be [R], proceed if you are over 17 or accompanied by an adult. I got to work early, same as everyday, and made some coffee. Since I rushed out the door and didn't eat any breakfast I decided to make some scrambled eggs(it's a cool office). Inman rolls in ten minutes later and I say, "I'm making some eggs, want some?" He obliges and so I start cracking the six eggs we have left into a medium sized bowl. I'm trying to be a little health conscious(duh! I have a moustache!) so I decide to go for three yolks, three whites. I always do the whites first, because it's more complicated, and I like to get the hard work out of the way first. Crack! Slowly I transfer the yolk between the shells to get the white into the bowl. One white in. Crack! Two whites in. Crack! Here's the third white...only...it's not...white... ...it's red. All of the inside of the egg is red. It is oozing out of the egg onto my hands, and I hear someone screaming. Oh wait. it's me. My hands are covered in, not yolk? blood? protein? placenta? I know nothing about the anatomy of chickens, but I'm pretty sure that I just aborted one. I drop the [mess] into the sink and wash it into the tearing, grinding noise of the Insinkerator brand garbage disposal. I wash my hands again and again. Inman pokes his head into the room and says, "What happened?" "Red! It was red...i don't...it was...i can't...aaaaaaaaaaa" Inman makes a scrunched up face, and says, "Yeeesh." A very good friend of mine's girlfriend is not a vegetarian, or a vegan, or an octogenarian, or a squallus-eater, or a carnivore, or an omnivore. Actually, she's probably an omnivore. But she doesn't eat eggs. "Why not?" I asked her once. "Because I don't want to eat a fetus." Eggs aren't fetuses. I mean, they aren't supposed to be. They are eggs. In a human, eggs aren't fetuses. They are eggs. A fetus is like a three month old fertilized embryo. You're not killing anything or eating anything because it's nothing. It's just a cellular organism. So is lettuce. Still, my breakfast abortion(great name for a rock band) was pretty terrifying and I was having a really good day so far. Blech. (oh yeah- i figured out how to use the "Listening to" feature. If you can track down Rainbow's(shitty name for a rock band; what were they thinking?) "Since You've been Gone," it's really really really good. Almost as good as Paper Lace's "The Night Chicago Died.")