I don't know if I mentioned the show I was working on last month, in Huntington Beach, aptly named "The Beach."
Anyhow, they called me to shoot all next week, so I just wanted to drop a blog on MySpace before, most likely, I disappear for seven days.
The show is a fake reality show a la Laguna Beach, about Huntington Beach life guards, except two of the six main characters are lifeguards the rest are actors. Hmmmm....
It's kind of silly, but honestly, it's not a bad idea and if it weren't so trite(and fake) it would be interesting. But in the end, it's not the show that makes me crazy, it's the nutballs that are running it.
We'll be entering probably week 7, for shooting a pilot? Um...something's a bit off. They've been shooting since March, off and on, and seriously- if you haven't gotten what you needed yet? Iiiiiitttttttt.....may not be coming.
However, if they are willing to pay me to fuck around on the beach dragging a wagon(see Sisyphus), then I'll gladly oblige as I'm running up quite a tab on my AmEx and unemployment isn't quite going to do it for my lifestyle.
Send sunblock. See you all soon.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Karaoke
Am i the last one on earth to see these?
..>
Holy shit. Get yourself to YouTube, search "Star Trek G4" and watch the rest of the spots for Star Trek 2.0.
And make sure you watch "Cribs - Director's Cut." It's off the chain.
..>
Holy shit. Get yourself to YouTube, search "Star Trek G4" and watch the rest of the spots for Star Trek 2.0.
And make sure you watch "Cribs - Director's Cut." It's off the chain.
Monday, June 26, 2006
The Absolute Pinnacle of my Nerdiness
I couldn't have possibly reached up to a higher apex of geekdom, than I did last week. The K2 of Klingon; the Everest of EverQuest; the Star Wars of Star Warses. What is this brilliant north star in my big dipper of nerding out?
Booxter.
What exactly is booxter? It's a software program for cataloguing, organizing, and managing personal or public libraries. Meaning, you sit at home for a week and type in the information for your books in your bookshelf. Is this so you can read your books anytime on your computer? No. In fact, you can't really do anything with the program besides have a record of what books you own or have read.
I mean, it's got a few more features than that; you can create genres in any way you want, you can keep records of whether or not your books are signed, lent out to friends, and keep detailed notes on them without writing in the book. You have the ability to keep track of the money spent on the books as well as their current cumulative worth.
The way it works is this- you can manually type in the information from the copyright page, or if you're connected to the internet, type in the ISBN number and Booxter will search the library of congress for you. Pretty sweet. But it doesn't have to stop there- if you've created a book, or have a bunch of magazines and literary journals, you can manually input all their information as well.
But what does this mean for my pocket protectin' computer programmin' dungeons and dragons playin' future as the nerdiest man alive? I'm not sure. It does say a lot for my book obsession, something that I have written about before at length.
On one hand, I'm spending this week cataloguing my books, if only so that I can tell people what books I have regardless of having my library at my finger tips. It's %50 like iTunes because I can organize my books in whatever way I feel like but I can't access my books on my computer. It's ALMOST useless, but that fact alone is the reason it is a nerdy endeavor.
Why? The answer is always "Why not?"
Why do you program a videogame about drug dealing to work on your monochromatic graphic calculator? Why do we care about what color or size or capacity our iPod has? Why do you a website allowing friends to interact over the computer without ever speaking over the phone or communicating in person?
Why do I want to program my books into my computer? It's the same reason we want to use computers to do everything? It further increases the usability of my computer, creating another layered task to accomplish and categorize. There's a program that does the same thing for DVDs and although I could surely be considered a movie geek, this clearly locks me into my role (model) as a book nerd.
Booxter gives me the kind of reassurance that I can sit at home and inventory, categorize, and appraise the value of my personal library, all while someone sits at home developing the software for me to do so.
And it's just going to get better and better and better and SkyNet. I, Jeff Crocker, will welcome our robot overlords and bow before their cold, emotionless, tyrannical rule. Besides, they're going to need nerds to teach them Klingon.
Booxter.
What exactly is booxter? It's a software program for cataloguing, organizing, and managing personal or public libraries. Meaning, you sit at home for a week and type in the information for your books in your bookshelf. Is this so you can read your books anytime on your computer? No. In fact, you can't really do anything with the program besides have a record of what books you own or have read.
I mean, it's got a few more features than that; you can create genres in any way you want, you can keep records of whether or not your books are signed, lent out to friends, and keep detailed notes on them without writing in the book. You have the ability to keep track of the money spent on the books as well as their current cumulative worth.
The way it works is this- you can manually type in the information from the copyright page, or if you're connected to the internet, type in the ISBN number and Booxter will search the library of congress for you. Pretty sweet. But it doesn't have to stop there- if you've created a book, or have a bunch of magazines and literary journals, you can manually input all their information as well.
But what does this mean for my pocket protectin' computer programmin' dungeons and dragons playin' future as the nerdiest man alive? I'm not sure. It does say a lot for my book obsession, something that I have written about before at length.
On one hand, I'm spending this week cataloguing my books, if only so that I can tell people what books I have regardless of having my library at my finger tips. It's %50 like iTunes because I can organize my books in whatever way I feel like but I can't access my books on my computer. It's ALMOST useless, but that fact alone is the reason it is a nerdy endeavor.
Why? The answer is always "Why not?"
Why do you program a videogame about drug dealing to work on your monochromatic graphic calculator? Why do we care about what color or size or capacity our iPod has? Why do you a website allowing friends to interact over the computer without ever speaking over the phone or communicating in person?
Why do I want to program my books into my computer? It's the same reason we want to use computers to do everything? It further increases the usability of my computer, creating another layered task to accomplish and categorize. There's a program that does the same thing for DVDs and although I could surely be considered a movie geek, this clearly locks me into my role (model) as a book nerd.
Booxter gives me the kind of reassurance that I can sit at home and inventory, categorize, and appraise the value of my personal library, all while someone sits at home developing the software for me to do so.
And it's just going to get better and better and better and SkyNet. I, Jeff Crocker, will welcome our robot overlords and bow before their cold, emotionless, tyrannical rule. Besides, they're going to need nerds to teach them Klingon.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
The Chair
Do people still have "chairs" anymore? You know, like how people say, "I remember a long time ago when Grandad used to sit in His Chair and watch Dan Rather talk about the world." Or "My Dad would come home and sit in His Chair with the evening paper."
I always thought the chair was an odd icon of a bygone era- no one I know or their father's have big, leather easy chairs where they think about the plight of man. You hear about armchair critics and so on, but have true armchair experts gone the way of the dodo? What are men doing nowadays instead of coming home, slipping off their Florsheims and settling into their Chair to involve themselves with the rest of the planet Earth. Is it an age? Do you have to reach a certain age to get a Chair?
But is the Chair there because of the man, or is the man there because of the Chair? Which came first? What is the history of "The Chair?" What does it mean? Where did it come from and where is it going? To answer these questions perhaps we need to look back into our domestic past. Let's start when people had "sitting rooms."
Here are the facts that I have gleaned from various sources:*
Sitting rooms replaced the Parlour, and I imagine the sitting room's inception came with the advent of our modern consumer stereo equipment. People would cease to need the antiquated 'Parlour' to entertain guests and began exhibiting the new technology of the time, possibly as a sign of status. The Sitting Room would probably remain as we moved from gramaphones to radios and more traditional record players. I'm guessing this is all circa early 20th century, the 20s and 30s. Around the beginning of the 40s, while America went to war(as did the rest of the world), the radio and the sitting room became increasingly important. Thusly, when the war ended and we zoomed toward the middle of the century in our convertibles and coupes, we were beginning to raise families, and television was rapidly being introduced to the average joe. Technology takes over again and the sitting room experienced higher evolution, going through mitosis and gave way to the "family room" and "living room." Both were reminiscent of ye olde sitting room, but as the living room became more formal, the family room became a place for the television and the children, as well as advancement in furniture technology resulted in cheaper and more durable sofas, where a family could spend time together. It was this fact** that I think caused men to seek refuge in a Chair.
But sometimes a man didn't want to be seen as a family man and he needed to lock himself in an emotional "tower" and sit on his "throne," governing and dispensing "advice(loud)" and punishment(loud).
I sort of have a chair at my girlfriend's house, but it could be considered a quiet rebellion of her relentless hatred of style for such a comfortable chair. Still, I don't engage in Chair-like activities in this chair besides television viewing. I think the closest thing I do to a Chair activity is take off my shoes after walking in. I don't read the paper, smoke my pipe(or any pipe for that matter), or read anthropology books.
Even though this chair is very comfortable, it's certainly not the style of a Chair. You know what I mean- huge and imposing; large backed and soft leather; probably a brown or burgandy in color and is probably handmade. The chair I sit in actually is dark red, but it's got a weird, wannabe argyle pattern on it, has a small back, is definitely not leather, not imposing, and was probably made by an Indonesian woman with bound feet. My girlfriend refers to it as "the gay harlequin chair."
I suppose that I'm not meant to have a chair at this point in my life. I'm too young and I haven't been overseas in any war; I don't have a family of two and a half children, nor do I own a house and work in an office building.
Perhaps a Chair is a badge, a medal, a source of pride and accomplishment. It's something that you have worked so hard to get to, something that is worth more than any other possession, but just less than your house and family and job, yet deep down you know that should anything happen- you've always got your Chair. It's the place to hide in plain sight, thinking about the rest of your life ahead of you; wondering what happened to everything innocent in the world. Rebellion against everything you know is wrong and harmful, from a place of serenity and safety. From here you can grumble and murmur to deaf ears, blind eyes, and turned backs. Firmly, comfortably planted in the one place you will command forever.
A Throne for a king- except you don't have a country or servants or much power.
So, maybe you're just a guy in a chair, reading the paper in a sweater vest.
*[data not found; sources non-existant]
**not an actual fact
(Here's another question- do women ever take ownership of a chair? Or is it not as important to them? "Grandma used to come home and sit in her chair with her pipe."
Follow up question: Did (do?) women ever smoke pipes? Or are males humanity's pipesmokers?)
I always thought the chair was an odd icon of a bygone era- no one I know or their father's have big, leather easy chairs where they think about the plight of man. You hear about armchair critics and so on, but have true armchair experts gone the way of the dodo? What are men doing nowadays instead of coming home, slipping off their Florsheims and settling into their Chair to involve themselves with the rest of the planet Earth. Is it an age? Do you have to reach a certain age to get a Chair?
But is the Chair there because of the man, or is the man there because of the Chair? Which came first? What is the history of "The Chair?" What does it mean? Where did it come from and where is it going? To answer these questions perhaps we need to look back into our domestic past. Let's start when people had "sitting rooms."
Here are the facts that I have gleaned from various sources:*
Sitting rooms replaced the Parlour, and I imagine the sitting room's inception came with the advent of our modern consumer stereo equipment. People would cease to need the antiquated 'Parlour' to entertain guests and began exhibiting the new technology of the time, possibly as a sign of status. The Sitting Room would probably remain as we moved from gramaphones to radios and more traditional record players. I'm guessing this is all circa early 20th century, the 20s and 30s. Around the beginning of the 40s, while America went to war(as did the rest of the world), the radio and the sitting room became increasingly important. Thusly, when the war ended and we zoomed toward the middle of the century in our convertibles and coupes, we were beginning to raise families, and television was rapidly being introduced to the average joe. Technology takes over again and the sitting room experienced higher evolution, going through mitosis and gave way to the "family room" and "living room." Both were reminiscent of ye olde sitting room, but as the living room became more formal, the family room became a place for the television and the children, as well as advancement in furniture technology resulted in cheaper and more durable sofas, where a family could spend time together. It was this fact** that I think caused men to seek refuge in a Chair.
But sometimes a man didn't want to be seen as a family man and he needed to lock himself in an emotional "tower" and sit on his "throne," governing and dispensing "advice(loud)" and punishment(loud).
I sort of have a chair at my girlfriend's house, but it could be considered a quiet rebellion of her relentless hatred of style for such a comfortable chair. Still, I don't engage in Chair-like activities in this chair besides television viewing. I think the closest thing I do to a Chair activity is take off my shoes after walking in. I don't read the paper, smoke my pipe(or any pipe for that matter), or read anthropology books.
Even though this chair is very comfortable, it's certainly not the style of a Chair. You know what I mean- huge and imposing; large backed and soft leather; probably a brown or burgandy in color and is probably handmade. The chair I sit in actually is dark red, but it's got a weird, wannabe argyle pattern on it, has a small back, is definitely not leather, not imposing, and was probably made by an Indonesian woman with bound feet. My girlfriend refers to it as "the gay harlequin chair."
I suppose that I'm not meant to have a chair at this point in my life. I'm too young and I haven't been overseas in any war; I don't have a family of two and a half children, nor do I own a house and work in an office building.
Perhaps a Chair is a badge, a medal, a source of pride and accomplishment. It's something that you have worked so hard to get to, something that is worth more than any other possession, but just less than your house and family and job, yet deep down you know that should anything happen- you've always got your Chair. It's the place to hide in plain sight, thinking about the rest of your life ahead of you; wondering what happened to everything innocent in the world. Rebellion against everything you know is wrong and harmful, from a place of serenity and safety. From here you can grumble and murmur to deaf ears, blind eyes, and turned backs. Firmly, comfortably planted in the one place you will command forever.
A Throne for a king- except you don't have a country or servants or much power.
So, maybe you're just a guy in a chair, reading the paper in a sweater vest.
*[data not found; sources non-existant]
**not an actual fact
(Here's another question- do women ever take ownership of a chair? Or is it not as important to them? "Grandma used to come home and sit in her chair with her pipe."
Follow up question: Did (do?) women ever smoke pipes? Or are males humanity's pipesmokers?)
Friday, June 23, 2006
Is it Mid-June Already?
I always know when it's the middle of June, because my neighborhood becomes filled with the sounds of the Fourth of July. Bottle rockets streak into the air, roman candles ignite the alleys, and the gunfire blends into the celebration like a metaphor I can't put my finger on.
It is most illegal to have fireworks in Los Angeles county, but hooooooooooooooooooooooooooly shit does that not stop anyone. A couple years ago, I was hanging out with my friend Alex on the fourth and we got on top of his roof to watch the fireworks go up all over San Pedro. His house was situated on top of a large hill we call Palos Verdes, and it's possible to see all across the harbor. You could easily see the fireworks shoot up and blossom in their pyrotechnic grandeur, while barely making out the tiny sirens racing across the city trying to shut down this illegal display of patriotic celebration.
In my neighborhood, the celebration of Independence Day goes on for about 40 days and 40 nights. I don't think I was in Long Beach the last two years, but I can only imagine the chaos and anarchy that colorfully explodes across the sky all night, because if every other night in the summer is any indication, it's that these people are goddamn proud of their independence.
Do we even celebrate our independence anymore? Or do our internet-surfing, latte-swilling, Tivo-ing, iPod-shuffling asses take it for granted? Maybe we don't take the independence for granted, but does anyone plan a Fourth of July party asking themselves, "How can we celebrate Adams, Jefferson, Washington, and ol' man Ben Franklin on this day?" NO! Generally, we are found asking, "Is Sharleen a fucking vegan?"
Don't get me wrong- I'm not trying to persuade you to reconsider your freedoms while swilling Pabst this year. I plan on getting plowed on Dutch import beer and grilling Korean ribs, that I'll get from the Russian supermarket I drive to in my Japanese car. So not only am I not caring about the founders of our country but I'm spitting on their graves at the same time(as if it hasn't been done before).
Remember this thought as you fire up your gas/charcoal grill- those brave souls that die for this country to keep us free and Tivo-ong, will be remembered in an alcoholic-fueled, gun-powder soaked, meat-feast hundreds of years later, which is the highest achievement one can receive in this country.
It is most illegal to have fireworks in Los Angeles county, but hooooooooooooooooooooooooooly shit does that not stop anyone. A couple years ago, I was hanging out with my friend Alex on the fourth and we got on top of his roof to watch the fireworks go up all over San Pedro. His house was situated on top of a large hill we call Palos Verdes, and it's possible to see all across the harbor. You could easily see the fireworks shoot up and blossom in their pyrotechnic grandeur, while barely making out the tiny sirens racing across the city trying to shut down this illegal display of patriotic celebration.
In my neighborhood, the celebration of Independence Day goes on for about 40 days and 40 nights. I don't think I was in Long Beach the last two years, but I can only imagine the chaos and anarchy that colorfully explodes across the sky all night, because if every other night in the summer is any indication, it's that these people are goddamn proud of their independence.
Do we even celebrate our independence anymore? Or do our internet-surfing, latte-swilling, Tivo-ing, iPod-shuffling asses take it for granted? Maybe we don't take the independence for granted, but does anyone plan a Fourth of July party asking themselves, "How can we celebrate Adams, Jefferson, Washington, and ol' man Ben Franklin on this day?" NO! Generally, we are found asking, "Is Sharleen a fucking vegan?"
Don't get me wrong- I'm not trying to persuade you to reconsider your freedoms while swilling Pabst this year. I plan on getting plowed on Dutch import beer and grilling Korean ribs, that I'll get from the Russian supermarket I drive to in my Japanese car. So not only am I not caring about the founders of our country but I'm spitting on their graves at the same time(as if it hasn't been done before).
Remember this thought as you fire up your gas/charcoal grill- those brave souls that die for this country to keep us free and Tivo-ong, will be remembered in an alcoholic-fueled, gun-powder soaked, meat-feast hundreds of years later, which is the highest achievement one can receive in this country.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Ten Things I'm Not Getting My Dad for Father's Day
A book by Chevy Chase
The Best of 'Cirque Du Solieil' DVD boxed set
Absinthe
Cargo pants
Spiderman bed sheets
Tickets to ICP* @ the Wiltern
a Gambling addiction
a glass eye signed by Rob Schneider
monogrammed coffee table
A book by Dr. Bill Cosby
*Insane Clown Posse
The Best of 'Cirque Du Solieil' DVD boxed set
Absinthe
Cargo pants
Spiderman bed sheets
Tickets to ICP* @ the Wiltern
a Gambling addiction
a glass eye signed by Rob Schneider
monogrammed coffee table
A book by Dr. Bill Cosby
*Insane Clown Posse
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Take That, Independent Cinema!
I just erased a movie.
It took less than 30 seconds, but I just erased an entire movie from existence. There were three hard drives here with the movie that I helped shoot last December. Litigation ensued(no pun entended) and when the editors sent back the hard drives they sat and collected dust for a few months.
Today, the last day of my job at this office I have worked at for the last 16 months, I wiped those hard drives and deleted the movie from our precious gigabytian space.
It is a certain level of discomfort I feel that the first feature I worked production on met with such an untimely demise, though i have to admit, I'm certainly glad that it was me that pressed the big red button. The lessons I learned throughout this stressful encounter with cinematic anxiety are enough to last me a long time and definitely things I hope that I never run into again.
On a related but unrelated note, one of the other hard drives snapped and crashed it's aluminum/silicone truck packed with data-fertilizer into the Oklahoma City Federal Tower that is our editorial computer. The Timothy McVeigh of hard drive manufacturers, LaCie, will receive the death penalty from me as I never will buy any of their products again.
On a completely unrelated note- now is the best chance to subscribe to my blog. since i'll be unemployed i'll be able to fill the void that is MySpace with deliberate and neurotic prose, or other awkward domestic terrorism related metaphors. Doesn't that sound like a picnic?
It took less than 30 seconds, but I just erased an entire movie from existence. There were three hard drives here with the movie that I helped shoot last December. Litigation ensued(no pun entended) and when the editors sent back the hard drives they sat and collected dust for a few months.
Today, the last day of my job at this office I have worked at for the last 16 months, I wiped those hard drives and deleted the movie from our precious gigabytian space.
It is a certain level of discomfort I feel that the first feature I worked production on met with such an untimely demise, though i have to admit, I'm certainly glad that it was me that pressed the big red button. The lessons I learned throughout this stressful encounter with cinematic anxiety are enough to last me a long time and definitely things I hope that I never run into again.
On a related but unrelated note, one of the other hard drives snapped and crashed it's aluminum/silicone truck packed with data-fertilizer into the Oklahoma City Federal Tower that is our editorial computer. The Timothy McVeigh of hard drive manufacturers, LaCie, will receive the death penalty from me as I never will buy any of their products again.
On a completely unrelated note- now is the best chance to subscribe to my blog. since i'll be unemployed i'll be able to fill the void that is MySpace with deliberate and neurotic prose, or other awkward domestic terrorism related metaphors. Doesn't that sound like a picnic?
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Here's a Word Problem:
In December 2005, Jeffrey sends $40 for a subscription to a quarterly DVD magazine. In June 2006, the end of the second quarter of the year, he has not recieved anything. Jeffrey sends 2 e-mails to the people responsible for this ridiculous lapse of customer service. The next day the first reply says, "You should get it any day now." 2 hours later, the other response says, "It will ship to you in a few weeks." Then a THIRD mysterious e-mail arrives proclaiming the DVD magazine will ship at the end of June.
Who is lying? Please show all work.
Bonus question: How are they going to do a quarterly magazine when the 1st one is six months late?
Who is lying? Please show all work.
Bonus question: How are they going to do a quarterly magazine when the 1st one is six months late?
Saturday, June 10, 2006
One Win, Two Losses
1-2 is my prediction for USA's World Cup, Round 1 outcome.
I'll be rooting for the Czechs on Monday to roll the US. Italy will just walk over them next Saturday, and I think they have a good chance against Ghana in the third match.
Honestly, I would love to see another USA v. Mexico match in Round 2 like four years ago, because it makes this city (and probably the country) go insane. I'm also looking forward to Wednesday's Germany v. Poland live from Germany. There's something about insane rivalries that makes the World Cup so goddamn amazing. And the World Cup is pretty much a HUGE insane rivalry, converging on one city every four years.
Go Czechs! (sorry america)
I'll be rooting for the Czechs on Monday to roll the US. Italy will just walk over them next Saturday, and I think they have a good chance against Ghana in the third match.
Honestly, I would love to see another USA v. Mexico match in Round 2 like four years ago, because it makes this city (and probably the country) go insane. I'm also looking forward to Wednesday's Germany v. Poland live from Germany. There's something about insane rivalries that makes the World Cup so goddamn amazing. And the World Cup is pretty much a HUGE insane rivalry, converging on one city every four years.
Go Czechs! (sorry america)
Friday, June 9, 2006
That's Mr. Evil Superman, To You...
This weekend I did some "spring cleaning" and as a result, I threw away probably close to 35 LBS of garbage that I had accumulated over the past 5 years of living here. The next day, I took my old computer monitor to be "recycled." The monitor recycle place was a tiny computer store in an industrial part of town. I walked in and there was no one there, so I made some noise with my throat and set the monitor down as loud as I could hoping someone would pay attention to me. I could see straight through to the back of the store and in the back loading bay, there were old CRT monitors piled past the cieling. Five truckloads. Later when i called my friend to tell him about that, he said, "Yeah, our largest export is garbage. We just ship everything with lead and mercury out of the country. The non-biodegradable styrofoam stays here in a landfill, or we probably send it to Canada."
It made me think of Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, the one where Superman collects all the nuclear weapons in the world and then throws them into the Sun to destory them forever(redundant). But Lex Luthor places an evil Superman embryo-egg-thing on one of the weapons so when it hits the sun evil Superman is borne(goddamn right 'borne' with an 'e').
This of course reminded me of all the reports of "space junk" that we send into space. Satellites that just stop working and then drift into the outer rims of our universe. Space Junk sounds like a really horrible thing that kids from Berkeley should be protesting about, except the only missing piece of information is that we don't know how big the universe is. It could be like dropping a piece of sand somewhere in Montana. Or it could be like dropping a boulder in a kid's sandbox. Or perhaps our universe is some sort of inverted torus knot and eventually if something flies out of our galaxy, it will come sailing back from the other side.
Because we have no grasp mentally or physically as to how big the universe is, (if it is indeed singular) we can't ever feel small or helpless or insignificant. Since there are no boundaries, no scale, we have no way of knowing if we are the big, ultimate hairless monkeys in space, or if the light-matter-beasts of Upsilon-Q7, with their light refracting skin(invisibility) and telekinetic powers(telekinesis) are in fact, the big kahunas we should welcome with tribute and sacrificial offerings.
Either way, I hope that the Comcast satellite that is sailing past Jupiter doesn't mutate into an evil Superman, because we don't have a good Superman to stop him.
And that movie was ultra-lame.
It made me think of Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, the one where Superman collects all the nuclear weapons in the world and then throws them into the Sun to destory them forever(redundant). But Lex Luthor places an evil Superman embryo-egg-thing on one of the weapons so when it hits the sun evil Superman is borne(goddamn right 'borne' with an 'e').
This of course reminded me of all the reports of "space junk" that we send into space. Satellites that just stop working and then drift into the outer rims of our universe. Space Junk sounds like a really horrible thing that kids from Berkeley should be protesting about, except the only missing piece of information is that we don't know how big the universe is. It could be like dropping a piece of sand somewhere in Montana. Or it could be like dropping a boulder in a kid's sandbox. Or perhaps our universe is some sort of inverted torus knot and eventually if something flies out of our galaxy, it will come sailing back from the other side.
Because we have no grasp mentally or physically as to how big the universe is, (if it is indeed singular) we can't ever feel small or helpless or insignificant. Since there are no boundaries, no scale, we have no way of knowing if we are the big, ultimate hairless monkeys in space, or if the light-matter-beasts of Upsilon-Q7, with their light refracting skin(invisibility) and telekinetic powers(telekinesis) are in fact, the big kahunas we should welcome with tribute and sacrificial offerings.
Either way, I hope that the Comcast satellite that is sailing past Jupiter doesn't mutate into an evil Superman, because we don't have a good Superman to stop him.
And that movie was ultra-lame.
Thursday, June 8, 2006
ToonTown is a Bad Idea
For those that have never been to a Disneyland Theme Park, a while back they added in a new "land" based on "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"
They built ToonTown.
Sounds harmless right? Except for the fact that the location of ToonTown serves as a key plot element of the movie because it is where the main character's brother was MURDERED.
In fact, the body count in this movie is extraordinarily high, human and 'toon alike, especially for a Disney movie(I'm pretty sure there isn't a Bambi ride called, Escape from the Mean Ol' Forest Fire). But for the love of god, who thought it was a good idea to build ToonTown?
OK, so even though we never see this fateful ToonTown murder, when the characters end up going to ToonTown, they engage in numerous moving violations, a car accident due to negligence, two shootings and aggravated assault. Hey, Michael Eisner! I've got a great idea for a new addition to Disneyland! I call it Hilarious Spanish Harlem! Or better yet, as an addition to your ridiculous California Adventure attraction, where you can buy beer and wine, let's build The Wonderful World of Compton! How about adding a ride in FrontierLand- Chinese Opium Slave Whore Den! The kids won't know the difference because they'll be laughing with glee as they chase the dragon for the first time!
I'd love to meet the kid that JUST watched Roger Rabbit before going to ToonTown in Disneyland, and his parents hold him by the hand as the kid staggers, horrified, into the attraction- constantly looking over his shoulder for ex-con toons- you know, the ones with the tear drops drawn on to their cheeks, and the barbed wire inked around their arms. His parents wonder why their child is terrified by such a colorful and goofy locale!
Now I know that some of you will draw parallels to other murderous rides as Disneyland, but I can't think of any other rides or attractions that are based on something so completely evil. The only one that comes close is Pirates of the Caribbean, the original with the raping pirates, not the "hungry" pirates. But that ride doesn't really have any death implied or involved. Splash Mountain has it's problems, like how scary it gets (go to your laughing place) and it's origin from the delightfully racist, Song of the South. But nothing comes close to the deadly gang-infested, crime-ridden streets of ToonTown.
To whomever was responsible for ToonTown being built, congratulations on a battle won for diversity- you've given the jailhouse toons, the Crip and Blood toons, the pedophile toons, the toons with the Boost Mobile phones and gold teeth, a place to go where they can live as they want to- in a crazed world of murder, slapstick comedy, and sight gags.
PS: I would love to have written a blog about the Hollywood Limousine "ride," from California Adventure, except that no one would REALLY know what I was talking about except for a very very few people.
I don't know if there will ever be a ride like that again...
EDITED TO ADD: here is an amazing excerpt from Wikipedia about "Superstar Limo"
"... One of the original Hollywood Backlot attractions was "SuperStar Limo," which was the only dark ride in the entire park. Its plot revolved around the guest being a celebrity who had just arrived at Los Angeles International Airport, and who is taken for a ride through Hollywood in a limousine. The humor was based on inside jokes ("Madame Leota" from The Haunted Mansion makes a cameo appearance) and obsessed fans and paparazzi, and much of it very likely went over the heads of many guests. The attraction was criticized for crude sets and characters, and was the first attraction in the park to close. It was open for less than a year, and a Monsters Inc. attraction has been constructed in its place. The Monsters Inc ride opened on January 23, 2006, following its soft opening in late December 2005."
EDIT TO ADD MORE: here is an excerpt from "The Disney Blog," that certainly serves as the flipside for this coin (http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/1685875)
January 21, 2005
Remembering Superstar Limo
I was able to visit Disney's California Adventure soon after it opened, which means I actually got to ride the infamous Superstar Limo. I already read lots of negative buzz before my visit, so I definitely made a point to experience it, since I had a feeling it wouldn't be around for long (and the non-existent line was another clue!). Of course, the attraction pretty much was what I expected, and since that one ride I've read so many jokes and jeers about it that even my own memories were altered into thinking it was the worst attraction conceivable.
Well, I recently watched the SuperStar Limo DVD from the Extinct Attractions Club, and it's not nearly as bad as I remembered! Some of the caricatured animatronics are actually kind of clever (even with limited movement), and even though 90% of the sets are painted flats, it's still really colorful and fun. The queue featured some cool graphic design, and the purple limo ride vehicles themselves were on a par with the cabs in Roger Rabbit's Car-Toon Spin (minus the spin). There was even a quick Madame Leota parody that I had completely forgotten! On the other hand, I'm amazed at how terrible the CG Joan Rivers and the agent were!
I'm looking forward to whatever happens to this attraction, since anything is better than keeping it closed. I'm certainly in favor of a Monsters, Inc. attraction, but I'm kind of hoping they keep the limos in the theme somehow.
EDITED TO ADD ANOTHER BLOG ENTRY: Go here for a longer description of all things Superstar Limo. This one is especially good for a few reasons: 1.) The blogger stood outside the exit and listened to people talk about the ride as they left, 2.) It's from a site entitled "LaughingPlace.com" and 3.) he defends the fact that the ride is going to get better after they 'revamp' it. HA! Go here- LAUGHINGPLACE.COM
EDITED TO ADD: GOD'S WOUNDS! I FOUND PICTURES!!! AAAAHHHH!!!
Crowds are screaming for more Whoopi!
Look! It's Drew Carey!
God Bless the internet!
Signature of Jeff Crocker
6/8/06
They built ToonTown.
Sounds harmless right? Except for the fact that the location of ToonTown serves as a key plot element of the movie because it is where the main character's brother was MURDERED.
In fact, the body count in this movie is extraordinarily high, human and 'toon alike, especially for a Disney movie(I'm pretty sure there isn't a Bambi ride called, Escape from the Mean Ol' Forest Fire). But for the love of god, who thought it was a good idea to build ToonTown?
OK, so even though we never see this fateful ToonTown murder, when the characters end up going to ToonTown, they engage in numerous moving violations, a car accident due to negligence, two shootings and aggravated assault. Hey, Michael Eisner! I've got a great idea for a new addition to Disneyland! I call it Hilarious Spanish Harlem! Or better yet, as an addition to your ridiculous California Adventure attraction, where you can buy beer and wine, let's build The Wonderful World of Compton! How about adding a ride in FrontierLand- Chinese Opium Slave Whore Den! The kids won't know the difference because they'll be laughing with glee as they chase the dragon for the first time!
I'd love to meet the kid that JUST watched Roger Rabbit before going to ToonTown in Disneyland, and his parents hold him by the hand as the kid staggers, horrified, into the attraction- constantly looking over his shoulder for ex-con toons- you know, the ones with the tear drops drawn on to their cheeks, and the barbed wire inked around their arms. His parents wonder why their child is terrified by such a colorful and goofy locale!
Now I know that some of you will draw parallels to other murderous rides as Disneyland, but I can't think of any other rides or attractions that are based on something so completely evil. The only one that comes close is Pirates of the Caribbean, the original with the raping pirates, not the "hungry" pirates. But that ride doesn't really have any death implied or involved. Splash Mountain has it's problems, like how scary it gets (go to your laughing place) and it's origin from the delightfully racist, Song of the South. But nothing comes close to the deadly gang-infested, crime-ridden streets of ToonTown.
To whomever was responsible for ToonTown being built, congratulations on a battle won for diversity- you've given the jailhouse toons, the Crip and Blood toons, the pedophile toons, the toons with the Boost Mobile phones and gold teeth, a place to go where they can live as they want to- in a crazed world of murder, slapstick comedy, and sight gags.
PS: I would love to have written a blog about the Hollywood Limousine "ride," from California Adventure, except that no one would REALLY know what I was talking about except for a very very few people.
I don't know if there will ever be a ride like that again...
EDITED TO ADD: here is an amazing excerpt from Wikipedia about "Superstar Limo"
"... One of the original Hollywood Backlot attractions was "SuperStar Limo," which was the only dark ride in the entire park. Its plot revolved around the guest being a celebrity who had just arrived at Los Angeles International Airport, and who is taken for a ride through Hollywood in a limousine. The humor was based on inside jokes ("Madame Leota" from The Haunted Mansion makes a cameo appearance) and obsessed fans and paparazzi, and much of it very likely went over the heads of many guests. The attraction was criticized for crude sets and characters, and was the first attraction in the park to close. It was open for less than a year, and a Monsters Inc. attraction has been constructed in its place. The Monsters Inc ride opened on January 23, 2006, following its soft opening in late December 2005."
EDIT TO ADD MORE: here is an excerpt from "The Disney Blog," that certainly serves as the flipside for this coin (http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/1685875)
January 21, 2005
Remembering Superstar Limo
I was able to visit Disney's California Adventure soon after it opened, which means I actually got to ride the infamous Superstar Limo. I already read lots of negative buzz before my visit, so I definitely made a point to experience it, since I had a feeling it wouldn't be around for long (and the non-existent line was another clue!). Of course, the attraction pretty much was what I expected, and since that one ride I've read so many jokes and jeers about it that even my own memories were altered into thinking it was the worst attraction conceivable.
Well, I recently watched the SuperStar Limo DVD from the Extinct Attractions Club, and it's not nearly as bad as I remembered! Some of the caricatured animatronics are actually kind of clever (even with limited movement), and even though 90% of the sets are painted flats, it's still really colorful and fun. The queue featured some cool graphic design, and the purple limo ride vehicles themselves were on a par with the cabs in Roger Rabbit's Car-Toon Spin (minus the spin). There was even a quick Madame Leota parody that I had completely forgotten! On the other hand, I'm amazed at how terrible the CG Joan Rivers and the agent were!
I'm looking forward to whatever happens to this attraction, since anything is better than keeping it closed. I'm certainly in favor of a Monsters, Inc. attraction, but I'm kind of hoping they keep the limos in the theme somehow.
EDITED TO ADD ANOTHER BLOG ENTRY: Go here for a longer description of all things Superstar Limo. This one is especially good for a few reasons: 1.) The blogger stood outside the exit and listened to people talk about the ride as they left, 2.) It's from a site entitled "LaughingPlace.com" and 3.) he defends the fact that the ride is going to get better after they 'revamp' it. HA! Go here- LAUGHINGPLACE.COM
EDITED TO ADD: GOD'S WOUNDS! I FOUND PICTURES!!! AAAAHHHH!!!
Crowds are screaming for more Whoopi!
Look! It's Drew Carey!
God Bless the internet!
Signature of Jeff Crocker
6/8/06
Wednesday, June 7, 2006
My Latest Investment
Recently, I decided to create a source of opportunity for myself. Seeing as success and jobs and such were not coming to bang down my door with flowers and giant checks, I entered into a long-term investment opportunity.
Yesterday, I rented King Kong.
I borrowed this film from my local cinematic investment broker(Hollywood Video on 7th and Euclid, the hub of such activity in the Long Beach area), and I must say that so far, I am a little worried this investment will not pay off.
Seeing as this is a temporary investment, something I must return at a pre-determined date, set by said investment broker, I can only speculate (in the parlance of Wall Street) that my dividends will be extended to me down the line. Perhaps there is an equation that Prof. Demitriou did not teach me in Economics; an algorithm that Brian Leung, our local genius, wunder-kid, couldn't balance; is it possible that this investment may not work out for me?
I mean, I've already invested two hours of my life over two nights and I'm only about sixty percent finished with this investment.
There is also the question as to how said dividends will present themselves. Could it be that Peter Jackson will pay me for my time, because let me tell you- after finishing this movie, my hourly rate is going through the roof. Perhaps WETA workshop, who created (besides the entire movie) King Kong himself, will use their powerful computers and New Zealand charm to create three beautifully rendered hours to replace the ones that I have invested?
All these questions are unclear to me, but as a dedicated investor, I'm not worried about the outcome. You would think I would have learned my lesson after investing 7 hours in the last two Lord of the Rings movies, but faith knows no bounds, and I'm sure Peter Jackson (or one of his six thousand children) is keeping track of my bill (which incidentally rounds out to about 10 HOURS).
To clarify, I'm not demanding the time back per se; I just feel that as an investor in this movie, chronologically(if you take my meaning), I feel that my investment should be repaid. Preferably with interest.
My investment must be returned to the library of cinematic investments by midnight on Sunday, at which time I hope to have finished this giant monkey of a movie.
Has anyone made errors in their investments recently? (I'm looking at you, X-Men 3) or am I in the wrong here...?
Yesterday, I rented King Kong.
I borrowed this film from my local cinematic investment broker(Hollywood Video on 7th and Euclid, the hub of such activity in the Long Beach area), and I must say that so far, I am a little worried this investment will not pay off.
Seeing as this is a temporary investment, something I must return at a pre-determined date, set by said investment broker, I can only speculate (in the parlance of Wall Street) that my dividends will be extended to me down the line. Perhaps there is an equation that Prof. Demitriou did not teach me in Economics; an algorithm that Brian Leung, our local genius, wunder-kid, couldn't balance; is it possible that this investment may not work out for me?
I mean, I've already invested two hours of my life over two nights and I'm only about sixty percent finished with this investment.
There is also the question as to how said dividends will present themselves. Could it be that Peter Jackson will pay me for my time, because let me tell you- after finishing this movie, my hourly rate is going through the roof. Perhaps WETA workshop, who created (besides the entire movie) King Kong himself, will use their powerful computers and New Zealand charm to create three beautifully rendered hours to replace the ones that I have invested?
All these questions are unclear to me, but as a dedicated investor, I'm not worried about the outcome. You would think I would have learned my lesson after investing 7 hours in the last two Lord of the Rings movies, but faith knows no bounds, and I'm sure Peter Jackson (or one of his six thousand children) is keeping track of my bill (which incidentally rounds out to about 10 HOURS).
To clarify, I'm not demanding the time back per se; I just feel that as an investor in this movie, chronologically(if you take my meaning), I feel that my investment should be repaid. Preferably with interest.
My investment must be returned to the library of cinematic investments by midnight on Sunday, at which time I hope to have finished this giant monkey of a movie.
Has anyone made errors in their investments recently? (I'm looking at you, X-Men 3) or am I in the wrong here...?
Monday, June 5, 2006
An Interview With Screen Legend Matthew Lillard
I recently had the opportunity to sit down with America's hottest actor and TeenVogue's 68th sexiest man alive, my silver screen hero, and the genius behind the character "Shaggy" from Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed- Matthew Lillard.
Acting in over 40 movies in his short life, Matthew Lillard, however, has since become a reclusive character, spending his days on his ranch in Riverside, where he breeds horses for fighting and for glue manufacturing. As I approached his rather large barn made entirely out of human skulls, a ringing gun-shot caught my attention and there I saw the man who took Thir13en Ghosts to the next level, who made America laugh in the Seth Green comedy Without a Paddle, and of course, that dastardly Stuart, from Wes Craven's Scream.
Lillard has kept himself well-groomed despite the lack of proper bathing facilities in his altar-barn, the upkeep of his boyish good looks has blossomed underneath the long, pointed beard and black eyeliner.
MySpace: Good morning, Mr. Lillard I'm-
Matt Lillard: You are the emissary they sent to procure my services, are you not?
MS: I suppose, I'm not sure what my editor worked out with you.
ML: Forsooth, I am but a humble passenger on our dark lord's tumbling chaotic world.
MS: What a great quote! Is that Shakespeare?
ML: Foolish flesh-mortal, you know not what you speak of!
MS: Ha ha! I know I know- YOU'RE the trained actor, I'm the a-hole with the tape-recorder. Say, is there someplace comfortable we could sit down and chat?
ML: You may kneel before my throne of despair.
MS: Sounds good to me.
We walk inside the dark, imposing barnhouse. It's lit only by black candles fixed atop hands reaching from the black dirt below our feet. A fountain of blood bumbled happily in the center of the room, a nice addition to this seemingly disparaging abode.
After we sat down, we exchanged further pleasantries, and Matthew really began to open up to me.
ML: You see, as an artist of the demon god Cthulu and his lord before him, I feel like I never truly get to explain my purpose on this disgusting plane. The charity work that others do are all in vain for this world shall meet it's end very soon.
MS: Do you have a release date yet?
ML: If memory serves, it is written in the book of Sa-
MS: You know, it's cool, I'm sorry, I'll have my research intern look it up in Variety. I did want to ask you about your involvment with horror movies and just assorted bizarro and intense images in general. Has this been a dream of yours since growing up in Orange County, or did you become interested in genre films in college?
ML: My education began in my mother's festering womb, where I gave a blood oath to the lord of darkness and damned myself to hell eternally.
MS: How sweet! And how exactly did your mother influence your "craft" when you were born?
ML: My mother will be damned to the same fate as me, for she tried to exorcise me once the omen of the damned presented itself upon my forehead.
MS: Well, she took quite a risk showing you such scary movies as "The Exorcist" and "The Omen" at such a young age. It paid off indeed, as you are a part of some of the most edgy, ground-breaking cinema America has seen since the days of "Roots." Do you think that you are getting better as you move on, or do you feel that your sexy, adventurous days are over?
ML: All our days are numbered and only the prince of darkness shall cure the disease of your flesh.
MS: I supposed that's true in philospohical terms, but what I really want to know is, since moving away from Hollywood and re-inventing yourself as a dramatic actor, rather than the man who makes Scooby Doo laugh, do you think that an Oscar is in your future?
ML: You know, I think the Academy is going to be the first entity to perish when the waves of fire engulf our existence- seriously, why hasn't Jim Carrey won yet?
MS: A question we all must ask ourselves from time to time indeed. Thank you for spending some time with us on MySpace. I think I speak for all of us out there when I say we can't wait for your inevitable return to the red carpet and subsequently, the silver screen.
ML: Aye, for I will carpet the world with the red blood of virgins and the destroy your god with my silver sword of pain!
Leaving Matthew Lillard estate I am definitely a changed man- his staggering genius knows no bounds, it feels no constraints and he will obviously continue to give Oscar a run for his money, come next February.
Interview by Jeff Crocker
Logged and blogged: 6/6/06
Acting in over 40 movies in his short life, Matthew Lillard, however, has since become a reclusive character, spending his days on his ranch in Riverside, where he breeds horses for fighting and for glue manufacturing. As I approached his rather large barn made entirely out of human skulls, a ringing gun-shot caught my attention and there I saw the man who took Thir13en Ghosts to the next level, who made America laugh in the Seth Green comedy Without a Paddle, and of course, that dastardly Stuart, from Wes Craven's Scream.
Lillard has kept himself well-groomed despite the lack of proper bathing facilities in his altar-barn, the upkeep of his boyish good looks has blossomed underneath the long, pointed beard and black eyeliner.
MySpace: Good morning, Mr. Lillard I'm-
Matt Lillard: You are the emissary they sent to procure my services, are you not?
MS: I suppose, I'm not sure what my editor worked out with you.
ML: Forsooth, I am but a humble passenger on our dark lord's tumbling chaotic world.
MS: What a great quote! Is that Shakespeare?
ML: Foolish flesh-mortal, you know not what you speak of!
MS: Ha ha! I know I know- YOU'RE the trained actor, I'm the a-hole with the tape-recorder. Say, is there someplace comfortable we could sit down and chat?
ML: You may kneel before my throne of despair.
MS: Sounds good to me.
We walk inside the dark, imposing barnhouse. It's lit only by black candles fixed atop hands reaching from the black dirt below our feet. A fountain of blood bumbled happily in the center of the room, a nice addition to this seemingly disparaging abode.
After we sat down, we exchanged further pleasantries, and Matthew really began to open up to me.
ML: You see, as an artist of the demon god Cthulu and his lord before him, I feel like I never truly get to explain my purpose on this disgusting plane. The charity work that others do are all in vain for this world shall meet it's end very soon.
MS: Do you have a release date yet?
ML: If memory serves, it is written in the book of Sa-
MS: You know, it's cool, I'm sorry, I'll have my research intern look it up in Variety. I did want to ask you about your involvment with horror movies and just assorted bizarro and intense images in general. Has this been a dream of yours since growing up in Orange County, or did you become interested in genre films in college?
ML: My education began in my mother's festering womb, where I gave a blood oath to the lord of darkness and damned myself to hell eternally.
MS: How sweet! And how exactly did your mother influence your "craft" when you were born?
ML: My mother will be damned to the same fate as me, for she tried to exorcise me once the omen of the damned presented itself upon my forehead.
MS: Well, she took quite a risk showing you such scary movies as "The Exorcist" and "The Omen" at such a young age. It paid off indeed, as you are a part of some of the most edgy, ground-breaking cinema America has seen since the days of "Roots." Do you think that you are getting better as you move on, or do you feel that your sexy, adventurous days are over?
ML: All our days are numbered and only the prince of darkness shall cure the disease of your flesh.
MS: I supposed that's true in philospohical terms, but what I really want to know is, since moving away from Hollywood and re-inventing yourself as a dramatic actor, rather than the man who makes Scooby Doo laugh, do you think that an Oscar is in your future?
ML: You know, I think the Academy is going to be the first entity to perish when the waves of fire engulf our existence- seriously, why hasn't Jim Carrey won yet?
MS: A question we all must ask ourselves from time to time indeed. Thank you for spending some time with us on MySpace. I think I speak for all of us out there when I say we can't wait for your inevitable return to the red carpet and subsequently, the silver screen.
ML: Aye, for I will carpet the world with the red blood of virgins and the destroy your god with my silver sword of pain!
Leaving Matthew Lillard estate I am definitely a changed man- his staggering genius knows no bounds, it feels no constraints and he will obviously continue to give Oscar a run for his money, come next February.
Interview by Jeff Crocker
Logged and blogged: 6/6/06
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