A few days ago, Max Girlie, Carter and I went looking to rent Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. In our own quest, which sadly was unfruitful(can you believe it?) we came upon a far richer trove of treasure that we plundered with glee.
You see, Hollywood Video is selling off the entirety of their VHS collection, which at this point, isn't saying too much. I think companies stopped releasing movies on VHS three years ago, even though we didn't find any movies made later than 1994. They are selling these gems of modern culture 5 for $15.
We each left with an armload of amazing cinematic glory, the likes of which will never be seen again by anyone other than us.
No one is going out of their way to purchase, Outlaw Force, written, directed, produced, and starring Christian Country star David Heavener. The story of a man who's wife is raped and murdered and his child is kidnapped. When the law doesn't do anything, he drives ten minutes to Los Angeles and....well...I left just as Frank Stallone, the good cop with a conscience showed up. But something tells me a lot of lead was flying and that little girl screamed "daddy!" a lot.
My other vintage classics include: Bigfoot, Danger: Diabolik, Day of the Survivalist, and Cruise Missile. The latter two being made in the late eighties and obviously having to do with the coming nuclear holocaust. Day of the Survivalist, however, is unique in that it preempts any nuclear war and is about a Vietnam vet who leaves the city behind to live peacefully in the woods; but his serenity is cut short when a bunch of "hardcore survivalists fleeing the coming nuclear holocaust" disrupt his attempt at a peaceful life.
Awesome awesome awesome.
The way I look at it, we are doing a community service, collecting these movies and saving them, nay, cherishing them and keeping them safe from a trash compacter. Most of these movies are so definitive of the time they were made, the gross machismo of diesel pick-up trucks; the horrific coke-addled, anabolic-steroid, hackneyed muscle man action comedies; and the holier-than-thou, faux-cowboy, action comedies.
All this would be forgotten if it weren't for a couple of yahoos sitting in the aisles of Hollywood Video giggling about Shadow Force, Outlaw Force, Super Force, Mega Force, Ninja Force, and Viper Force.
Our service to the cinematic, anthropological community is our selfless act- one we do willingly to preserve our history as the stupidest, money driven society, man kind will ever see.
Long Live Frank Stallone!
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