Dear Science,
What the fuck are you waiting for? I know you know how to get me to space as well as the moon, so whenever you feel like it- beam me up. In judging from this past week's top headlines regarding the coming nuclear armageddon, it's become quite clear that I am going to have to get off this doomed, smog covered rock and either move to Arcata to live on a pinko-commie hippie commune, or blast myself into outer space and live amidst the stars and unicorns.
I know you have friends at NASA(National Association of Science Association), who have been to space and lived there for quite some time. But are we really doing everything we can to aid in the race against time and preparing ourselves for the inevitable exodus? Hell no. Science, you need to speed things up and start building moon colonies and space stations so I can start my lucrative career as a space pirate.
If you need some help (besides money), I'll be happy to intern for you guys next summer if it means a hire spot on the evacuee list. Don't let this thing turn into a fight against the media when you're blamed for doing enough. We all saw what happened with FEMA; don't let that happen to you.
Besides, Science, we KNOW that you're at fault for the inevitable worldwide destruction. I'm sick of you spinning this bullshit towards "man's inhumanity to man" or how "human nature is made to be self-destructive." You need to own up for your ridiculous accusations and be man enough to say that youre the reason for biological warfare and nuclear weapons, not to mention such always-in-the-news phrases like uranium enrichment and cure for the common cold. If you have any tact or class, you would own up to the problems being just as much yours as they are ours.
But all this can be forgiven if you can get me off this wet rock before Al Gore fires his pessimism laser into the heart of every child(read: our future), and it melts Dick Cheneys icy heart causing the waters to rise and engulf our planet while we make Ed Begley Jr. King of our WaterWorld and surf the waves on enormous rafts made from Styrofoam(how ironically convienent).
Id rather be on the moon at that point eating hydroponic carrots and astronaut ice cream, while playing MoonBall and using my FuturePhone to contact the new race of MerPeople on our home planet.
In the end, its up to you Science to make a decision on how you want to be remembered- as the savior of humans in all forms and the study to cure disease and make me immortal, or as the primary instrument of the complete destruction of all mankind, resulting in a complete loss of language and communication and higher intelligence effectively negating your entire existence? It sounds to me like youre in complete control of your future- so whats it going to be, Science?
Regards,
Jeff Crocker
PS- Could you also maybe consider hooking me up with alternative fuel? Maybe then well at least stop fighting over oil and leaving a giant hollow crater where the middle east is
PPS- And would it kill you to build a better mousetrap? Jesus, you'd think extinction was a crime; just wait until your blankets are all chewed up and you've got comical holes in your baseboards....
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