Cookies V. Bacon 2006

You know how when you're a kid you always threaten to grow up and eat cookies for breakfast?* Or ice cream? Or candy?

You know how when you grow up and you have to get a job to barely scrape by and you inhale Easy Mac and Instant Ramen like it's oxygen? I don't remember ever threatening to my mother and father that when I grow up I'm going to eat processed carbs and instant coffee for every meal.

So when we plowed through an entire package of bacon in ten minutes this morning at my office, I couldn't help but try to imagine what the damage to my colon would have been had I been eating Chips Ahoy! I mean, an entire pound and a half of smoked pig butt? For real?

It's one thing to have eggs and bacon, eggs and sausage, even steak and eggs (you're pushing the boundries with that chicken fried steak however), but JUST the bacon is a little audacious. Or inane. Or ridiculous.

I'd like to address the youth of America with something equally damaging to your self-esteem and twice as damaging to your body: The Bloody Mary. When you're 5 years old and your mom takes away those cookies at 9 AM from your sticky hands, you tell her that you're going to start mixing yourself a bloody mary or a mimosa every morning from your 6th birthday and you see how quickly those thin mints fly into your puffy cheeks.

This lesson is will faithfully work wonders for you well into you 70s, too. The old ball'n'chain giving you grief? Just start pouring yourself a Fernet and ginger every morning before your walk at dawn and that's game set match. Your advantage.

Don't think I am endorsing alcohol abuse, because that's very different**. No, what I'm trying to show you is that the threat of eating a package of cookies for breakfast, the thought of downing half a pound of fried pork before 10 AM, is nothing compared to the implications that you're going to start every day with a stiff, yet whimiscally mixed cocktail(it's JUST champagne and OJ?), is far superior and far more effective an arguing tool than you could imagine.

Children all over the world! Raise your babas! Go to war with the grouches and cranks with triple-malt ammunition!

[snooze]

* And then you actually do it and it's horrible- deliciously, deliciously horrible..
** But let's be honest, you're not totally off the mark...