Oh my awesomeness, this is completely insane and wonderful and, i mean, INSANE.
Here's a brief synopsis: a dude writes letters to infamous people around the country posing as a 10-year-old boy asking for advice. He received many responses published here. Radar magazine, the link provided, asks the dude to write again to the people that responded, now, thanking them for their advice.
People Billy writes to: The Unabomber, The NightStalker, Justice Clarence Thomas (asking about McDonald's), Alan greenspan, Larry Flynt and many more. None of the serial killer ones are scary, but a tad creepy. Charles Manson's letters are so fucking competely out-of-this-fucking-world insane, i was choking from laughing so hard.
CLICK HERE:LINK TO RADAR MAGAZINE: THE BILLY LETTERS
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Open Letter to the Table Next to Me at the Coffee Shop
I just had a quick question to the six of you folks, all ages, mostly white, having a nice chat on a Saturday morning:
Can you take the guy with the Hitler moustache and shaved head seriously? Because I can't, and it's making it more uncomfortable that none of you have mentioned it to him.
Have a nice weekend,
Jeff
Can you take the guy with the Hitler moustache and shaved head seriously? Because I can't, and it's making it more uncomfortable that none of you have mentioned it to him.
Have a nice weekend,
Jeff
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Good Question
I've been experimenting with all sorts of quasi-health foods lately. I don't know why. The other day I bought Morningstar Farms veggie sausage breakfast patties and they were delicious. Surprisingly delicious. Then I went to the market and decided to try Morningstar Buffalo Wings, I know, which was a risk. They are completely fake chicken stuff but were really quite delicious.
So I was at Whole Foods yesterday and meandering down the cereal/baked goods aisle, I saw some sort of more-healthy-than-not Chocolate Chip cookie mix, and I thought, sure- why not?
I'll tell you why not. These were the Most. Disgusting. Things. I have ever eaten in the history of ingestion. Now I know many of you are sitting there smirking those knowing crooked smiles saying to yourself (or others), "DUH! Jeff, I could have told you that wheat-flour chocolate chip cookies would be horrible! No brainer!"
I know. I should have known better, but I had such high hopes that the world of healthy junk food had progessed in the last seven years. What was wrong with these choclate chip atrocities? How about everything! The texture: mealy. The taste: oily. The healthy factor: pretty high as I wanted to throw up the last fourteen meals I had eaten after taking a bit of these culinary war crimes.
So, the moral of the story, besides reassuring me that my gag reflex is still active, is to stick with cookies made only from butter, sugar, and chocolate.
Also, Bonus Top Ten List!
Top Ten Movies NOT to Watch if You Have Ingested Food Within the Last 72 Hours
10. David Cronenberg's The Fly
9. David Cronenberg's The Fly
8. David Cronenberg's The Fly
7. David Cronenberg's The Fly
6. David Cronenberg's The Fly
5. David Cronenberg's The Fly
4. David Cronenberg's The Fly
3. David Cronenberg's Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights
2. David Cronenberg's The Fly
1. David Cronenberg's The Fly
So I was at Whole Foods yesterday and meandering down the cereal/baked goods aisle, I saw some sort of more-healthy-than-not Chocolate Chip cookie mix, and I thought, sure- why not?
I'll tell you why not. These were the Most. Disgusting. Things. I have ever eaten in the history of ingestion. Now I know many of you are sitting there smirking those knowing crooked smiles saying to yourself (or others), "DUH! Jeff, I could have told you that wheat-flour chocolate chip cookies would be horrible! No brainer!"
I know. I should have known better, but I had such high hopes that the world of healthy junk food had progessed in the last seven years. What was wrong with these choclate chip atrocities? How about everything! The texture: mealy. The taste: oily. The healthy factor: pretty high as I wanted to throw up the last fourteen meals I had eaten after taking a bit of these culinary war crimes.
So, the moral of the story, besides reassuring me that my gag reflex is still active, is to stick with cookies made only from butter, sugar, and chocolate.
Also, Bonus Top Ten List!
Top Ten Movies NOT to Watch if You Have Ingested Food Within the Last 72 Hours
10. David Cronenberg's The Fly
9. David Cronenberg's The Fly
8. David Cronenberg's The Fly
7. David Cronenberg's The Fly
6. David Cronenberg's The Fly
5. David Cronenberg's The Fly
4. David Cronenberg's The Fly
3. David Cronenberg's Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights
2. David Cronenberg's The Fly
1. David Cronenberg's The Fly
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Half a Dozen Possibly Irrational Fears
Laptop Ball Sterilization – I sit here with my laptop on my lap, feeling quite odd. I feel like every time I open a program and the hard drive spins up, my balls are losing years off their illuminated existences. Remember when cell phones were giving everyone brain tumors? I feel like laptops are sterilizing a whole generation of guys and that it’s going to result in the world portrayed in Children of Men. If that happens, can I be Clive Owen?
Car Insurance Conspiracy – Ok, I don’t fear car insurance so much as I hate it; what I fear is the conspiracy surrounding the insanely high prices I pay for having a tiny, fuel efficient foreign car and a good, nay- great!- driving record. Why? WHY?! It makes no sense. I’m forced to pay for this thing that I hope to NEVER have to use, and it feels like I’m literally throwing money away. They keep saying that because I do a lot of driving it puts me at a greater risk. But the more I drive without getting into an accident gives me more and more experience on the road. Why doesn’t that factor into any of this?
Power Tools – My new job is doing a pretty good job of curing me from my small, possibly irrational fear of power tools. I feel like I got to a point where I hadn’t used power tools in my life and I figured that since I didn’t start at an early age, I would never be able to use them without slicing or stabbing myself. The good news is now most power tools are outifttted with gobs and gobs of safety kill switches and quick release anti-danger modules. Thus far in the month I’ve worked, I’ve used a pneumatic air saw, chop saw, angel grinder, electric reverberating saw, power sander, corded dremel(I’m actually quite comfy with a dremel, for some reason) and a heat gun. One of these days I’ll have to tackle the table saw and in five years I’ll probably be a certified arc welder.
People Asking Their Dogs to Sit When They See Me Coming – It’s either because their dog is excitable and might bite me, or there is something about me that may send their dog into an unrelenting furious homicidal rage. Either way, I’m always worried when a dog walker steps off the sidewalk and forces their dog to sit and stare at me as I walk by.
Airbags deploying from too much Steering Wheel rocking out – I often sit in traffic and drum on my steering wheel. Hard. Like, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath hard. It’s a Long way to the top if you want to rock and roll hard. Hot for Teacher hard. And I’m terrified that in the throws of an Alex Van Halen solo I’m going to get my neck snapped back by the explosive deployment of my airbag. I’m not scared of being in a car accident- I’m just afraid of being killed by my car’s safety device.
Nuclear Armageddon – Not sure this fits here as it could very well be a rational fear, but every time I hear a loud bang I think that there is going to be a bright flash and then a nuclear heat blast wash away the skin from my frail body. Note of course the fact that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to hear the bang before seeing the flash, but in my fear of fears, Newtonian laws are meaningless.
Car Insurance Conspiracy – Ok, I don’t fear car insurance so much as I hate it; what I fear is the conspiracy surrounding the insanely high prices I pay for having a tiny, fuel efficient foreign car and a good, nay- great!- driving record. Why? WHY?! It makes no sense. I’m forced to pay for this thing that I hope to NEVER have to use, and it feels like I’m literally throwing money away. They keep saying that because I do a lot of driving it puts me at a greater risk. But the more I drive without getting into an accident gives me more and more experience on the road. Why doesn’t that factor into any of this?
Power Tools – My new job is doing a pretty good job of curing me from my small, possibly irrational fear of power tools. I feel like I got to a point where I hadn’t used power tools in my life and I figured that since I didn’t start at an early age, I would never be able to use them without slicing or stabbing myself. The good news is now most power tools are outifttted with gobs and gobs of safety kill switches and quick release anti-danger modules. Thus far in the month I’ve worked, I’ve used a pneumatic air saw, chop saw, angel grinder, electric reverberating saw, power sander, corded dremel(I’m actually quite comfy with a dremel, for some reason) and a heat gun. One of these days I’ll have to tackle the table saw and in five years I’ll probably be a certified arc welder.
People Asking Their Dogs to Sit When They See Me Coming – It’s either because their dog is excitable and might bite me, or there is something about me that may send their dog into an unrelenting furious homicidal rage. Either way, I’m always worried when a dog walker steps off the sidewalk and forces their dog to sit and stare at me as I walk by.
Airbags deploying from too much Steering Wheel rocking out – I often sit in traffic and drum on my steering wheel. Hard. Like, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath hard. It’s a Long way to the top if you want to rock and roll hard. Hot for Teacher hard. And I’m terrified that in the throws of an Alex Van Halen solo I’m going to get my neck snapped back by the explosive deployment of my airbag. I’m not scared of being in a car accident- I’m just afraid of being killed by my car’s safety device.
Nuclear Armageddon – Not sure this fits here as it could very well be a rational fear, but every time I hear a loud bang I think that there is going to be a bright flash and then a nuclear heat blast wash away the skin from my frail body. Note of course the fact that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to hear the bang before seeing the flash, but in my fear of fears, Newtonian laws are meaningless.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Places I Have Been
These last few weeks have been long and far away from home. It’s nice to finally be back with the VCR blasting Indiana Jones while I organize the many, many, many loose ends left scattered around my tiny, moldy apartment.
It’s a mess of unfiled papers, unpaid bills, and unfinished freelance jobs. How can one be so busy having fun that important things get left behind? Oh right- I’m making a living doing what I love to do.
My band Townland has been in the recording studio the last few days (non-consecutively) laying down some sweet prairie poppin’ tracks of bouncy tunes. On the way back to my girlfriend’s house I almost started to cry because it has been such a shockingly frustrating, yet infinitely fulfilling experience. The struggle is always worth the end product.
Meanwhile, I’m waking up at 7AM every weekend to go work with some of the most talented individuals in the physical effects world, learning creative and practical tools that I’ve always been driven towards.
And when I’m not there, I’m on set with Andy & Scott for their SuperDeluxe show that we just wrapped this afternoon after two and half weeks of some of the funniest performances I’ve seen in a long time.
It’s going to rain through the night tonight in Long Beach, cleaning the streets, the air, and washing shit off the trees onto my car; tomorrow I’m going to wake up early and make my bed, clean my house, put on some clean clothes and keep building my toolkit for this shiny new year that I was hoping would polish up to a high gloss finish.
It’s a mess of unfiled papers, unpaid bills, and unfinished freelance jobs. How can one be so busy having fun that important things get left behind? Oh right- I’m making a living doing what I love to do.
My band Townland has been in the recording studio the last few days (non-consecutively) laying down some sweet prairie poppin’ tracks of bouncy tunes. On the way back to my girlfriend’s house I almost started to cry because it has been such a shockingly frustrating, yet infinitely fulfilling experience. The struggle is always worth the end product.
Meanwhile, I’m waking up at 7AM every weekend to go work with some of the most talented individuals in the physical effects world, learning creative and practical tools that I’ve always been driven towards.
And when I’m not there, I’m on set with Andy & Scott for their SuperDeluxe show that we just wrapped this afternoon after two and half weeks of some of the funniest performances I’ve seen in a long time.
It’s going to rain through the night tonight in Long Beach, cleaning the streets, the air, and washing shit off the trees onto my car; tomorrow I’m going to wake up early and make my bed, clean my house, put on some clean clothes and keep building my toolkit for this shiny new year that I was hoping would polish up to a high gloss finish.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)