Laptop Ball Sterilization – I sit here with my laptop on my lap, feeling quite odd. I feel like every time I open a program and the hard drive spins up, my balls are losing years off their illuminated existences. Remember when cell phones were giving everyone brain tumors? I feel like laptops are sterilizing a whole generation of guys and that it’s going to result in the world portrayed in Children of Men. If that happens, can I be Clive Owen?
Car Insurance Conspiracy – Ok, I don’t fear car insurance so much as I hate it; what I fear is the conspiracy surrounding the insanely high prices I pay for having a tiny, fuel efficient foreign car and a good, nay- great!- driving record. Why? WHY?! It makes no sense. I’m forced to pay for this thing that I hope to NEVER have to use, and it feels like I’m literally throwing money away. They keep saying that because I do a lot of driving it puts me at a greater risk. But the more I drive without getting into an accident gives me more and more experience on the road. Why doesn’t that factor into any of this?
Power Tools – My new job is doing a pretty good job of curing me from my small, possibly irrational fear of power tools. I feel like I got to a point where I hadn’t used power tools in my life and I figured that since I didn’t start at an early age, I would never be able to use them without slicing or stabbing myself. The good news is now most power tools are outifttted with gobs and gobs of safety kill switches and quick release anti-danger modules. Thus far in the month I’ve worked, I’ve used a pneumatic air saw, chop saw, angel grinder, electric reverberating saw, power sander, corded dremel(I’m actually quite comfy with a dremel, for some reason) and a heat gun. One of these days I’ll have to tackle the table saw and in five years I’ll probably be a certified arc welder.
People Asking Their Dogs to Sit When They See Me Coming – It’s either because their dog is excitable and might bite me, or there is something about me that may send their dog into an unrelenting furious homicidal rage. Either way, I’m always worried when a dog walker steps off the sidewalk and forces their dog to sit and stare at me as I walk by.
Airbags deploying from too much Steering Wheel rocking out – I often sit in traffic and drum on my steering wheel. Hard. Like, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath hard. It’s a Long way to the top if you want to rock and roll hard. Hot for Teacher hard. And I’m terrified that in the throws of an Alex Van Halen solo I’m going to get my neck snapped back by the explosive deployment of my airbag. I’m not scared of being in a car accident- I’m just afraid of being killed by my car’s safety device.
Nuclear Armageddon – Not sure this fits here as it could very well be a rational fear, but every time I hear a loud bang I think that there is going to be a bright flash and then a nuclear heat blast wash away the skin from my frail body. Note of course the fact that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to hear the bang before seeing the flash, but in my fear of fears, Newtonian laws are meaningless.
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