The Horror. The Horror.

Please let me know if this has EVER happened to you, because I want to believe that it is more common that not; either way it was the most terrifying experience I've ever had, next to watching Event Horizon. Also, if I had to give this weblog a rating it would be [R], proceed if you are over 17 or accompanied by an adult. I got to work early, same as everyday, and made some coffee. Since I rushed out the door and didn't eat any breakfast I decided to make some scrambled eggs(it's a cool office). Inman rolls in ten minutes later and I say, "I'm making some eggs, want some?" He obliges and so I start cracking the six eggs we have left into a medium sized bowl. I'm trying to be a little health conscious(duh! I have a moustache!) so I decide to go for three yolks, three whites. I always do the whites first, because it's more complicated, and I like to get the hard work out of the way first. Crack! Slowly I transfer the yolk between the shells to get the white into the bowl. One white in. Crack! Two whites in. Crack! Here's the third white...only...it's not...white... ...it's red. All of the inside of the egg is red. It is oozing out of the egg onto my hands, and I hear someone screaming. Oh wait. it's me. My hands are covered in, not yolk? blood? protein? placenta? I know nothing about the anatomy of chickens, but I'm pretty sure that I just aborted one. I drop the [mess] into the sink and wash it into the tearing, grinding noise of the Insinkerator brand garbage disposal. I wash my hands again and again. Inman pokes his head into the room and says, "What happened?" "Red! It was red...i don't...it was...i can't...aaaaaaaaaaa" Inman makes a scrunched up face, and says, "Yeeesh." A very good friend of mine's girlfriend is not a vegetarian, or a vegan, or an octogenarian, or a squallus-eater, or a carnivore, or an omnivore. Actually, she's probably an omnivore. But she doesn't eat eggs. "Why not?" I asked her once. "Because I don't want to eat a fetus." Eggs aren't fetuses. I mean, they aren't supposed to be. They are eggs. In a human, eggs aren't fetuses. They are eggs. A fetus is like a three month old fertilized embryo. You're not killing anything or eating anything because it's nothing. It's just a cellular organism. So is lettuce. Still, my breakfast abortion(great name for a rock band) was pretty terrifying and I was having a really good day so far. Blech. (oh yeah- i figured out how to use the "Listening to" feature. If you can track down Rainbow's(shitty name for a rock band; what were they thinking?) "Since You've been Gone," it's really really really good. Almost as good as Paper Lace's "The Night Chicago Died.")

Scheduling and conflicts

My girlfriend, whom i speak so highly about, signed me up for the UnCab Lab. Its a writing workshop to develop your personal essys/creative non-fiction into something more substantial- a one-person show, a sit-com script, a collection of essays, open mic performances, or the ever ready stand-up comedy routine. Basically, the class consists of four three-hour sunday sessions where you get in front of the microphone for five minutes and talk about....whatever you want. You have five minutes to talk about yourself. They put extra emphasis on the fact that if you tell a story about a friend or relative, you need to explain how the story relates to yourself. Some(most) people have things they are working on, a large number of people are aspiring comedians, and some just show up and use it for therapy. On top of that, its an INCREDIBLY diverse group of people. Psychologists, TV executives cum struggling parents, middle school teachers, criminal lawyers, and a varied spattering of actors and writers. This past Sunday was the third meeting of the class and I sort of prepared, but really didnt. I relegated myself(somewhat succesfully) to complaining about how effecient of a planner I am, and how that leads to never having any interesting stories to tell in class. Heres my point: Beth, the teacher, suggested that even though I do interesting things, it may never seem like it to myself. She suggested I take a day and NOT PLAN ANYTHING. Just wake up and say, Surprise me! Sounds like great advice, but with one hitch, I thought to myself, I dont really plan that often to begin with, so how is this going to be any different? I left class somewhat confused as to how I was going to carry out my assignment. And then, this morning, as I sat in Starbucks, writing, waiting to return my tux(see previous entry), I tore off a piece of scratch paper and started listing a few things that I had to do today. Write some e-mails, charge the camera batteris at work, return my tux, get information about Wanda Jackson at Amoeba this week; and then I realized I was totally planning! I make lists like these every day, mostly to remind me of things I should, have, or want to do. Holy shit. I plan fucking everything. I never STOP planning, or figuring out, or deciding, or researching, it goes on and on and on. Of course I didnt think that I did all this planning- DENIAL is the first step to realizing you have a problem! Im the least spontaneous person on the PLANET. Seriously, I think my teacher brought up a very good point, psychologically more than creatively(though both may go hand in hand), it really would be a dramatic change if I didnt plan anything at all, for an entire day. Im sure I would realize just how much I do plan. I may not be able to handle it. I may just break down in a slobbering heap and cry. Whats worse is that I want to PLAN when the day is that Im not going to plan. AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! I CANT DO IT!!! [jeffs head explodes all across his computer screen]

Rented Tuxedo

My girlfriend was nominated for a Director's Guild Award, for being a part of the daytime serial directing team, of television's "baby-killer" soap, Days of Our Lives. That's pretty impressive, lucrative, amazing, and all sorts of assorted hyperbole that I can't hunt down. She's quite the awesome lady and I am proud to be dating her. Since she is part of the nominated directing team, she is invited to the HUGE awards dinner at the Century City Hyatt Regency. I did not receive an invitation and thought I was going to stay at home on Saturday night and play videogames. Instead, I get a call from my girlfriend Thursday afternoon saying she scored an extra ticket and asking if I wanted to go. "Sure- that sounds like fun!" "Can you rent a tux?" Hmmm...can I rent a tux? This question should be preceded by, "Do I WANT to rent a tux?" As much as I like dressing up, I feel like the tuxedo pales in comparison to a nice suit with a sweet tie, and a modest, but sharp-looking vest. The problem is that I've never been to one of these things so I don't know how important it is to wear a tux and I assume that everyone is going to be in their nicest attire. It is, and they are. So I roll down to "Tuxedos by Mike" Friday morning, the day before the event, hoping that he will have something for me. I walk in right when "Mike" opens up shop(he's standing on his storefront's stoop, smoking a comically large cigar and reading the Hollywood Reporter), and I tell him I need to rent a tux. Mike(thick armenian accent): What kind of tuxedo would you like? First of all, this is the second time I've ever rented a tux. The first was for my junior prom. Somehow, I've figured out how to make it to 23 years old having rented a tux ONCE. Looking back, I remember half a dozen occurrences when I would have had the possibility of wearing a tux. For instance, I was a groomsman at my college roommates wedding; except we wore khaki pants and white shirts with yellow lillies pinned on them. Needless to say, I'm aware of only one kind of tuxedo- the regular one. And since I don't know how strict they are at the Century City Hyatt Regency, I opt for the all black, vest and bowtie, traditional penguin style tuxedo. I change clothes and put on the shirt, the bow tie and the pants and emerge from the dressing room. I'm a young guy, I've got some metal pinned into my face, I was unshaven and probably hadn't showered since the previous morning, and maybe I looked a little ridiculous in the tuxedo, but not like a hobo or anything. "How do I look?" I ask the PROFESSIONAL tuxedo technician(engineer? taylor?) "What event are you going to?" Mike asks me. "The Director's Guild awards." "Oh yes..." as he looks me up and down "Are you working?" So in case you see any press photos of Jake Gyllenhaal or Clint Eastwood or Steven Spielbeg and you recognize me and say, "Hey! Jeff's a banquet waiter! He got to work the DGA awards! That's so cool!" Fuck off, Tuxedos by Mike! Epilogue: Days of Our Lives did not win the award. My girlfriend and I, were a little late(she had to work) and because of that, we didn't receive the following items- salad dressing a wine glass a napkin wine an entree If anyone can find these at the Century City Hyatt Regency, please let me know because the filet mignon Clooney was eating looked really good.

Exhaust

I've been exhausted for the last few days, after having worked for 36 hours straight through the weekend to finish Rob Schrab's Death Cab for Cutie "Crooked Teeth" video. However the final product was well worth the intense effort put into it. I don't think any more stops could have been pulled out for this thing. It's part of a compilation DVD featuring a video for each song on their new album. Apparently, Crooked Teeth is going to be the next single released on the radio and while the DVD will (supposedly) be released in April, they are releasing all the videos online starting next week. I'm proud of the work I did as well as the work of my peers Rob, Morgan, and Sevan. (Not to mention all the other people that came and helped shoot or puppet.) There are some great shots in this thing and I think people are going to be excited to see this insane, drawless animation masterpiece. I don't know when it will appear online for public consumption, but I'll be sure to let MySpace know...

Pre-Production Journal 2 Nov. 30th, 2005 - Cube truck! Cube Truck! Cube Truck!

I think for the fourth time in my life today, I became a man. (For those keeping track- the first was my bris; the second my Bar Mitzvah; the third was in my bedroom with Anne) and today, I drove a huge truck from Hollywood to Burbank and back. This is usually the time that I describe "an exhilarating ride" full of "new experiences and wonderment." In reality, i nearly peed my pants(not a new experience), grew some gray hairs, and probably gave myself an ulcer. It was without a doubt the most terrifying thing I have ever done, because the stakes were so high. I rolled into Burbank, loaded the truck by myself with about fourteen cases of equipment for our HD camera, and rolled back into Hollywood proper. Don't get me wrong- as scared as I was, it was a gratifying, amazing experience I will not soon forget, nor am afraid to do again. In fact, most of the best experiences I've had are either when I am backed into a corner, do-or-die style, or when I remember that that's when I have the best experiences. This list is very long, and while truck driving has the attributes for this type of experience, the whole almost peeing in my pants is keeping it from getting on the list. When i got back to the office, I asked if I could have a co-pilot next time(reading a map in the dark while rolling down the freeway is a lot to do when inexperience with driving a truck). I was promptly denied any help. Great. This is going to be a long three weeks. In the meantime, What should I name my ulcer? (No offense to people in the future that have had ulcers, it was merely used as a comedic device and by no means a jab at any set designers that have or will have ulcers. An ulcer is no laughing matter and should be take in fun, whereas me driving a truck is quite hilarious.)

Pre-Production Journal 1 - Big Meeting

We had the big production meeting/pageturner today. The crew came in and met with the director, went over the script and dealt with any issues that may arise in each department. One of the producers asked me to shoot some BTS footage of the meeting which I did, but as soon as I turned the camera on, I felt awkward having a camera at a meeting I was supposed to be paying attention to, so the camera went off fairly quickly. I've got a lot to do on this show because my full time in the office will quickly be transferred to full time on-set. We've got three locations two of which are going to be larger in scale than the third. The third is just a house in Hancock Park, where we'll generally be having between one and three cast members on set at a time. It's going to be an interesting three weeks, and at the very least, an exhausting three weeks, but I'm kind of looking forward to making a movie right before everyone breaks for the holidays. I'm going up north for...I think this will be the fourth year in a row working my girlfriend's mom's comedy show. Even though i work, it still feels very vacation-like being in Palo Alto(a quiet mountain town). I also love going into San Francisco. The Exploratorium, drinking at Vesuvio's, City Lights, The Buccaneer(pirate bar), and 826 Valencia. whoa. I'm really excited now. But first, i need to make a movie. T-2 days.

I'M IN A PLAY TOMORROW!!!

It's called:   Go Fuck Yourself, Jury Duty!