What does Jeff want for Hanukkah? Here are eight gift ideas for the Crocker you know, or similiar, sci-lit-nerd* in your life.
1.) BEAM bot - Pummer Kit from Solarbotics.com - If you're not reading MAKE magazine, you're a sorry-excuse for a geek. Published in the heartland of prog-tech and re-purp material, Northern California, this quarterly tome out nerds all other nerdy publications prior. Motorized coffee bean roaster? Internet controlled home coffee machine? "Rumble Mouse?" You bet. Not to mention every single iPod hack you could possibly dream up.
BEAM robotics is named for Biology, Electronics, Aesthetics and Mechanics. Basically, a robot designed for a biological aesthetic, using as few parts as possible, all of which serve more than one fucntion. Most BEAM bots are solar powered and use capacitors to store energy. The Pummer is a simple, neat, night-time activated bot that sits there are Pummms an LED(like Mac computers).
2.) A Smith-Corona Galaxy II typewriter - That's right, kids! It's hip to not correct your mistakes again! Stop writing on your backpack with white pens and put them to good use, actually fixing your fuck-ups. The Smith-Corona Galaxy series is rad and sleek and fits nicely in any writer snob's home.
3.) Disney's Tail Spin Vol. 1 DVD Boxed Set - Here's the pitch: "It's all the characters from the Jungle Book, but set in a neo-utopian, post-war, fantasy world. There are air pirates, cloud surfing Kitsters, and that hilarious orangutan owns a bar. Basically Alice in Wonderland meets Air America." I'm sold.
4.) Some free time.
5.) The Sinners Guide to the Evangelical Right by Robert Lanham - The guy's that brought you the Hipster Handbook, come back at you with this delightful humor book. IF you're not familiar with the hipster handbook, it's one of the few novelty books that I've sat down and actually read front to back(not necessarily in order). This books looks to be a awesome follow-up.
5 1/2.) A Haircut - Actually, you don't need to get me this, I just wanted to remind myself...
6.) Bully for the PS2 - I'm constantly surprised at the way videogames these days are getting better and better and better. Bully seems to be a great example of a game that is complex, yet straight-forward and exciting. YOU GET TO BE A BULLY.
It vaguely reminds me of Ecco the Dolphin for Sega Genesis. How can a game where you're a dolphin trying to save your family from .... aliens? other dolphins? Nazis? Be any fun? I don't know, but Ecco the Dolphin is awesome and I can't imagine how a game where you're a bully, giving wedgies, noogies, and using a slingshot can be anything but righteous.
7.) Magic: The Gathering cards - Did you miss the memo? Magic cards are cool again. No joke. There are guys making $80,000 a year by being sponsered in Magic tournaments. I had to dig through my Star Trek Collectible Card Game and Jihad(the Vampire card game) to find my old Sengir Vampire and Lord of the Pit cards. I'm going to make a name for myself in a big way in the M:TG world in 2007. My Red/Green deck is pretty awesome.
8.) Nice, restaurant/bar-style, shot glasses - you know the ones I'm talking about, right? Thick glass, heavy bottoms, large shots? The kind you slam down after throwing back a shot of wild turkey your "best friend" bought you on your 21st birthday. I can't for the life of me find an online bar supply retailer that has what I'm looking for, so if any of you know where I can find these, by all means, I'll pour the Fernet if you get the glasses.
There you have it, America. That's my gift guide for myself and everyone like me, this Hanukkah. I'm sure you'll find something you like if you enjoy, reading, writing, drinking, building things, and playing video/collectible card games.
Have a wonderful holiday season!
*COINED WORD, BIATCH! S my D, Oxford!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
What if he'd said "No?"
Quite possibly the greatest science story of our time-
Who Needs a Vet When You've Got Bao Xishun?
If you're too lazy to clicky the linky and read the crazy fucking story here's a brief synopsis; Two dolphins in a Chinese aquarium(great opening for a joke), swallowed some shards of plastic, they tried to get them out to no avail, so the doctors called in THE WORLD'S TALLEST MAN. HIs 41.7 in arms reached down the dolphin's gullet and pulled the shards out, resulting in the biggest WTF veterinary operation ever.
Seriously? There was NO other surgical, medical option other than the World's Tallest Man? And the question I pose is- What if he said, "Stick my 4 foot long arm down a what? Fuck THAT."
Actually, what I wish was that our entire society was governed by this trend- if there was a problem we had to call the World's Greatest ________ . In fact, isn't this how most industries are? If someone has a brain tumor, and the resources, you call in the best brain surgeon. Eventually everyone would get thier turn at something right? People would start inventing, creating things that they were hands-down, no-doubt, the best at.
We could build this giant directory of cross referenced talents and names and tasks and solutions compiled by the Greatest Directory Builder. You would have to call the Best Toy Clogged in a Toilet Plumber, who lives in Moscow, and he would have to get a hold of the Greatest Moscow to Los Angeles Pilot to fly him out here. The World's Tallest Man could just travel the world doing things only a tall man can do, like Kung Fu, except he's not that strong and doesn't speal english. I'm sure you could walk around the world a million times and always help someone with a tall person task.
What would I be? I'm pretty good at Gin Rummy. I also am really good at dating, but I don't think being the World's Greatest Date would fly with my girlfriend(who happens to be the World's Greatest Girlfriend.) I'm not quite the world's greatest blogger. I'm still really really good at Where's Waldo, so if that's not taken, I'm sure someone somewhere needs help finding Waldo in that World of Waldos at the end of The Great Waldo Search.
There you go. Ladies and Gentleman- I am the World's Greatest Waldo Finder. Revel in my glory, bow at my feet.
Who Needs a Vet When You've Got Bao Xishun?
If you're too lazy to clicky the linky and read the crazy fucking story here's a brief synopsis; Two dolphins in a Chinese aquarium(great opening for a joke), swallowed some shards of plastic, they tried to get them out to no avail, so the doctors called in THE WORLD'S TALLEST MAN. HIs 41.7 in arms reached down the dolphin's gullet and pulled the shards out, resulting in the biggest WTF veterinary operation ever.
Seriously? There was NO other surgical, medical option other than the World's Tallest Man? And the question I pose is- What if he said, "Stick my 4 foot long arm down a what? Fuck THAT."
Actually, what I wish was that our entire society was governed by this trend- if there was a problem we had to call the World's Greatest ________ . In fact, isn't this how most industries are? If someone has a brain tumor, and the resources, you call in the best brain surgeon. Eventually everyone would get thier turn at something right? People would start inventing, creating things that they were hands-down, no-doubt, the best at.
We could build this giant directory of cross referenced talents and names and tasks and solutions compiled by the Greatest Directory Builder. You would have to call the Best Toy Clogged in a Toilet Plumber, who lives in Moscow, and he would have to get a hold of the Greatest Moscow to Los Angeles Pilot to fly him out here. The World's Tallest Man could just travel the world doing things only a tall man can do, like Kung Fu, except he's not that strong and doesn't speal english. I'm sure you could walk around the world a million times and always help someone with a tall person task.
What would I be? I'm pretty good at Gin Rummy. I also am really good at dating, but I don't think being the World's Greatest Date would fly with my girlfriend(who happens to be the World's Greatest Girlfriend.) I'm not quite the world's greatest blogger. I'm still really really good at Where's Waldo, so if that's not taken, I'm sure someone somewhere needs help finding Waldo in that World of Waldos at the end of The Great Waldo Search.
There you go. Ladies and Gentleman- I am the World's Greatest Waldo Finder. Revel in my glory, bow at my feet.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I am so curious
What's so important about the area under our tongue that is used to take our temperature? And maybe MORE importantly- when you're a baby, why is the area under your tongue interchangeable with your asshole? And now they test your temperature in the ear?
Why did you have to leave the thermometer in for three minutes? How long did it take to take your butt-temperature? In your ear, it only takes a few seconds. Bang! Boom! Done. 98.6 degrees of normal.
Remember that scene in ET where Elliot pretends to be sick so he can play with his creepy, alien in a bathrobe, so he puts the thermometer on a LIGHT BULB? Have you ever touched a light bulb? Hot shit. For real. Wouldn't that make the thermometer read like, 139 degrees?
Speaking of ET, was ET like the alien version of Rainman? Or can all aliens of his species look at a Speak and Spell and create a hyper-galactic satellite phone? I was more intrigued at how fucking kickass those guys were on their bikes at the end of that movie. But maybe it was just the music.
These are questions I ask myself when I'm burned out on editing stand-up comedians for 10 hours a day. Phew.
Back to the Final Cut Pro grind. See y'all at the Prospector later...
Why did you have to leave the thermometer in for three minutes? How long did it take to take your butt-temperature? In your ear, it only takes a few seconds. Bang! Boom! Done. 98.6 degrees of normal.
Remember that scene in ET where Elliot pretends to be sick so he can play with his creepy, alien in a bathrobe, so he puts the thermometer on a LIGHT BULB? Have you ever touched a light bulb? Hot shit. For real. Wouldn't that make the thermometer read like, 139 degrees?
Speaking of ET, was ET like the alien version of Rainman? Or can all aliens of his species look at a Speak and Spell and create a hyper-galactic satellite phone? I was more intrigued at how fucking kickass those guys were on their bikes at the end of that movie. But maybe it was just the music.
These are questions I ask myself when I'm burned out on editing stand-up comedians for 10 hours a day. Phew.
Back to the Final Cut Pro grind. See y'all at the Prospector later...
Monday, December 11, 2006
Future Blog Post: February 2007
February 26th, 2007
I don't mean to be a dick to everyone, but I just wanted to pop on here and drop an "I told you so" to anyone who bet against me that Martin Scorsese was going to mutate into a squat, sulfur-smelling, gargoyle when he didn't win Best Director at the Oscars this year. Though the metamorphosis may prove otherwise, I think Scorsese handled himself very well and stayed in good spirits through the end of the night.
Better luck next year, Marty!
I don't mean to be a dick to everyone, but I just wanted to pop on here and drop an "I told you so" to anyone who bet against me that Martin Scorsese was going to mutate into a squat, sulfur-smelling, gargoyle when he didn't win Best Director at the Oscars this year. Though the metamorphosis may prove otherwise, I think Scorsese handled himself very well and stayed in good spirits through the end of the night.
Better luck next year, Marty!
Friday, December 8, 2006
Open Letter to my Priorities
Dear Priorities,
I just wanted to send you a note to say thanks for being so understanding. I really haven't been paying you all much attention and I appreciate your patience with me in the last few weeks, er, months...umm...years.
I promise I'll be back soon and while you may get another letter like this shining you on about what I need to get done, feel free to do what you've been doing- rolling your eyes and dropping this letter into your garbage disposal.
When I eventually get back to you guys, I'm sure you'll be excited by the way I've changed my work ethic, even though it's going to seem like I have become a lazy, sloppy mess- au contraire, mon frere- my focus is as tight as a baby's butt-drum.
What I'm trying to say, Priorities, is that I've never forgotten about you or what you've done for me. I imagine we'll get back together in a year or so and really create something beautiful, fantastic, and innovative. You heard me- fucking innovative. We'll create a a film or TV show, possibly a robot or robotic bathtub cleaner, maybe a new style of cupcake or a neotechnique java script used to find fetish porn at lightning speeds. Really, Priorities, the possiblities are endless.
Not that I'm saying you and Possibilities should be dating, or even seeing each other. I know that we have an open relationship, but that's not to say that I don't get jealous when I see you flirting with Curiosities or Probability. Statistically and I were close for a while, but we ended that Mutually.
My point is this- I'm sorry, OK? You have to realize that my Goals are important and you and Goals don't always get along. When you do- great! I can hang with both of you and everything's keen. But if there is any cattiness, I have to think of myself first. I have to do what's best for me.
I hope you understand. I'll write to you again soon.
Sincerely,
J. Alan Crocker
I just wanted to send you a note to say thanks for being so understanding. I really haven't been paying you all much attention and I appreciate your patience with me in the last few weeks, er, months...umm...years.
I promise I'll be back soon and while you may get another letter like this shining you on about what I need to get done, feel free to do what you've been doing- rolling your eyes and dropping this letter into your garbage disposal.
When I eventually get back to you guys, I'm sure you'll be excited by the way I've changed my work ethic, even though it's going to seem like I have become a lazy, sloppy mess- au contraire, mon frere- my focus is as tight as a baby's butt-drum.
What I'm trying to say, Priorities, is that I've never forgotten about you or what you've done for me. I imagine we'll get back together in a year or so and really create something beautiful, fantastic, and innovative. You heard me- fucking innovative. We'll create a a film or TV show, possibly a robot or robotic bathtub cleaner, maybe a new style of cupcake or a neotechnique java script used to find fetish porn at lightning speeds. Really, Priorities, the possiblities are endless.
Not that I'm saying you and Possibilities should be dating, or even seeing each other. I know that we have an open relationship, but that's not to say that I don't get jealous when I see you flirting with Curiosities or Probability. Statistically and I were close for a while, but we ended that Mutually.
My point is this- I'm sorry, OK? You have to realize that my Goals are important and you and Goals don't always get along. When you do- great! I can hang with both of you and everything's keen. But if there is any cattiness, I have to think of myself first. I have to do what's best for me.
I hope you understand. I'll write to you again soon.
Sincerely,
J. Alan Crocker
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Cookies V. Bacon 2006
You know how when you're a kid you always threaten to grow up and eat cookies for breakfast?* Or ice cream? Or candy?
You know how when you grow up and you have to get a job to barely scrape by and you inhale Easy Mac and Instant Ramen like it's oxygen? I don't remember ever threatening to my mother and father that when I grow up I'm going to eat processed carbs and instant coffee for every meal.
So when we plowed through an entire package of bacon in ten minutes this morning at my office, I couldn't help but try to imagine what the damage to my colon would have been had I been eating Chips Ahoy! I mean, an entire pound and a half of smoked pig butt? For real?
It's one thing to have eggs and bacon, eggs and sausage, even steak and eggs (you're pushing the boundries with that chicken fried steak however), but JUST the bacon is a little audacious. Or inane. Or ridiculous.
I'd like to address the youth of America with something equally damaging to your self-esteem and twice as damaging to your body: The Bloody Mary. When you're 5 years old and your mom takes away those cookies at 9 AM from your sticky hands, you tell her that you're going to start mixing yourself a bloody mary or a mimosa every morning from your 6th birthday and you see how quickly those thin mints fly into your puffy cheeks.
This lesson is will faithfully work wonders for you well into you 70s, too. The old ball'n'chain giving you grief? Just start pouring yourself a Fernet and ginger every morning before your walk at dawn and that's game set match. Your advantage.
Don't think I am endorsing alcohol abuse, because that's very different**. No, what I'm trying to show you is that the threat of eating a package of cookies for breakfast, the thought of downing half a pound of fried pork before 10 AM, is nothing compared to the implications that you're going to start every day with a stiff, yet whimiscally mixed cocktail(it's JUST champagne and OJ?), is far superior and far more effective an arguing tool than you could imagine.
Children all over the world! Raise your babas! Go to war with the grouches and cranks with triple-malt ammunition!
[snooze]
* And then you actually do it and it's horrible- deliciously, deliciously horrible..
** But let's be honest, you're not totally off the mark...
You know how when you grow up and you have to get a job to barely scrape by and you inhale Easy Mac and Instant Ramen like it's oxygen? I don't remember ever threatening to my mother and father that when I grow up I'm going to eat processed carbs and instant coffee for every meal.
So when we plowed through an entire package of bacon in ten minutes this morning at my office, I couldn't help but try to imagine what the damage to my colon would have been had I been eating Chips Ahoy! I mean, an entire pound and a half of smoked pig butt? For real?
It's one thing to have eggs and bacon, eggs and sausage, even steak and eggs (you're pushing the boundries with that chicken fried steak however), but JUST the bacon is a little audacious. Or inane. Or ridiculous.
I'd like to address the youth of America with something equally damaging to your self-esteem and twice as damaging to your body: The Bloody Mary. When you're 5 years old and your mom takes away those cookies at 9 AM from your sticky hands, you tell her that you're going to start mixing yourself a bloody mary or a mimosa every morning from your 6th birthday and you see how quickly those thin mints fly into your puffy cheeks.
This lesson is will faithfully work wonders for you well into you 70s, too. The old ball'n'chain giving you grief? Just start pouring yourself a Fernet and ginger every morning before your walk at dawn and that's game set match. Your advantage.
Don't think I am endorsing alcohol abuse, because that's very different**. No, what I'm trying to show you is that the threat of eating a package of cookies for breakfast, the thought of downing half a pound of fried pork before 10 AM, is nothing compared to the implications that you're going to start every day with a stiff, yet whimiscally mixed cocktail(it's JUST champagne and OJ?), is far superior and far more effective an arguing tool than you could imagine.
Children all over the world! Raise your babas! Go to war with the grouches and cranks with triple-malt ammunition!
[snooze]
* And then you actually do it and it's horrible- deliciously, deliciously horrible..
** But let's be honest, you're not totally off the mark...
Friday, December 1, 2006
Hey Comedy Lovers!
Friend and fellow movie-editor, Alex Hanawalt found one of the greatest entries in comedic journalism of all time- you guessed it- the reviews for Van Wilder 2.
Holy shit. Every reviewer is trying to find the best words to describe just how unbearable the movie is- it's amazing! I'm going to post my favorites, but it's really only a small sampling of what you can find at RottenTomatoes.com
"As the nerd sidekick to campus wildman Ryan Reynolds in the original film, Penn projected a geeky charm, but he's not equipped to play the lead in a well-constructed movie, let alone salvage this stunningly mediocre chain of skits." - Colin Covert, Minneapolis Star Tribune
"Rather than pushing the envelope, the movie draws pictures of boobies on the envelope and tries to pass that off as comedy." - Eric D. Snider, Ericdsnider.com
"The film's incompetence is not limited to the writing, acting and directing. There are jarring jump cuts and continuity errors, and a laugh-out-loud eyeline mishap during a supposedly intimate conversation. One keeps expecting a boom mike to peek out." - Michael Ordoña, Los Angeles Times
"At one point I tried to force myself to fall asleep, just so I wouldn't have to sit through any more of it." - Joshua Tyler, CinemaBlend.com
BRILLIANT.
Holy shit. Every reviewer is trying to find the best words to describe just how unbearable the movie is- it's amazing! I'm going to post my favorites, but it's really only a small sampling of what you can find at RottenTomatoes.com
"As the nerd sidekick to campus wildman Ryan Reynolds in the original film, Penn projected a geeky charm, but he's not equipped to play the lead in a well-constructed movie, let alone salvage this stunningly mediocre chain of skits." - Colin Covert, Minneapolis Star Tribune
"Rather than pushing the envelope, the movie draws pictures of boobies on the envelope and tries to pass that off as comedy." - Eric D. Snider, Ericdsnider.com
"The film's incompetence is not limited to the writing, acting and directing. There are jarring jump cuts and continuity errors, and a laugh-out-loud eyeline mishap during a supposedly intimate conversation. One keeps expecting a boom mike to peek out." - Michael Ordoña, Los Angeles Times
"At one point I tried to force myself to fall asleep, just so I wouldn't have to sit through any more of it." - Joshua Tyler, CinemaBlend.com
BRILLIANT.
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