Is it Mid-June Already?

I always know when it's the middle of June, because my neighborhood becomes filled with the sounds of the Fourth of July. Bottle rockets streak into the air, roman candles ignite the alleys, and the gunfire blends into the celebration like a metaphor I can't put my finger on.

It is most illegal to have fireworks in Los Angeles county, but hooooooooooooooooooooooooooly shit does that not stop anyone. A couple years ago, I was hanging out with my friend Alex on the fourth and we got on top of his roof to watch the fireworks go up all over San Pedro. His house was situated on top of a large hill we call Palos Verdes, and it's possible to see all across the harbor. You could easily see the fireworks shoot up and blossom in their pyrotechnic grandeur, while barely making out the tiny sirens racing across the city trying to shut down this illegal display of patriotic celebration.

In my neighborhood, the celebration of Independence Day goes on for about 40 days and 40 nights. I don't think I was in Long Beach the last two years, but I can only imagine the chaos and anarchy that colorfully explodes across the sky all night, because if every other night in the summer is any indication, it's that these people are goddamn proud of their independence.

Do we even celebrate our independence anymore? Or do our internet-surfing, latte-swilling, Tivo-ing, iPod-shuffling asses take it for granted? Maybe we don't take the independence for granted, but does anyone plan a Fourth of July party asking themselves, "How can we celebrate Adams, Jefferson, Washington, and ol' man Ben Franklin on this day?" NO! Generally, we are found asking, "Is Sharleen a fucking vegan?"

Don't get me wrong- I'm not trying to persuade you to reconsider your freedoms while swilling Pabst this year. I plan on getting plowed on Dutch import beer and grilling Korean ribs, that I'll get from the Russian supermarket I drive to in my Japanese car. So not only am I not caring about the founders of our country but I'm spitting on their graves at the same time(as if it hasn't been done before).

Remember this thought as you fire up your gas/charcoal grill- those brave souls that die for this country to keep us free and Tivo-ong, will be remembered in an alcoholic-fueled, gun-powder soaked, meat-feast hundreds of years later, which is the highest achievement one can receive in this country.

Ten Things I'm Not Getting My Dad for Father's Day

A book by Chevy Chase
The Best of 'Cirque Du Solieil' DVD boxed set
Absinthe
Cargo pants
Spiderman bed sheets
Tickets to ICP* @ the Wiltern
a Gambling addiction
a glass eye signed by Rob Schneider
monogrammed coffee table
A book by Dr. Bill Cosby





*Insane Clown Posse

Take That, Independent Cinema!

I just erased a movie.

It took less than 30 seconds, but I just erased an entire movie from existence. There were three hard drives here with the movie that I helped shoot last December. Litigation ensued(no pun entended) and when the editors sent back the hard drives they sat and collected dust for a few months.

Today, the last day of my job at this office I have worked at for the last 16 months, I wiped those hard drives and deleted the movie from our precious gigabytian space.

It is a certain level of discomfort I feel that the first feature I worked production on met with such an untimely demise, though i have to admit, I'm certainly glad that it was me that pressed the big red button. The lessons I learned throughout this stressful encounter with cinematic anxiety are enough to last me a long time and definitely things I hope that I never run into again.

On a related but unrelated note, one of the other hard drives snapped and crashed it's aluminum/silicone truck packed with data-fertilizer into the Oklahoma City Federal Tower that is our editorial computer. The Timothy McVeigh of hard drive manufacturers, LaCie, will receive the death penalty from me as I never will buy any of their products again.

On a completely unrelated note- now is the best chance to subscribe to my blog. since i'll be unemployed i'll be able to fill the void that is MySpace with deliberate and neurotic prose, or other awkward domestic terrorism related metaphors. Doesn't that sound like a picnic?

Here's a Word Problem:

In December 2005, Jeffrey sends $40 for a subscription to a quarterly DVD magazine. In June 2006, the end of the second quarter of the year, he has not recieved anything. Jeffrey sends 2 e-mails to the people responsible for this ridiculous lapse of customer service. The next day the first reply says, "You should get it any day now." 2 hours later, the other response says, "It will ship to you in a few weeks." Then a THIRD mysterious e-mail arrives proclaiming the DVD magazine will ship at the end of June.

Who is lying? Please show all work.

Bonus question: How are they going to do a quarterly magazine when the 1st one is six months late?

One Win, Two Losses

1-2 is my prediction for USA's World Cup, Round 1 outcome.

I'll be rooting for the Czechs on Monday to roll the US. Italy will just walk over them next Saturday, and I think they have a good chance against Ghana in the third match.

Honestly, I would love to see another USA v. Mexico match in Round 2 like four years ago, because it makes this city (and probably the country) go insane. I'm also looking forward to Wednesday's Germany v. Poland live from Germany. There's something about insane rivalries that makes the World Cup so goddamn amazing. And the World Cup is pretty much a HUGE insane rivalry, converging on one city every four years.

Go Czechs! (sorry america)

That's Mr. Evil Superman, To You...

This weekend I did some "spring cleaning" and as a result, I threw away probably close to 35 LBS of garbage that I had accumulated over the past 5 years of living here. The next day, I took my old computer monitor to be "recycled." The monitor recycle place was a tiny computer store in an industrial part of town. I walked in and there was no one there, so I made some noise with my throat and set the monitor down as loud as I could hoping someone would pay attention to me. I could see straight through to the back of the store and in the back loading bay, there were old CRT monitors piled past the cieling. Five truckloads. Later when i called my friend to tell him about that, he said, "Yeah, our largest export is garbage. We just ship everything with lead and mercury out of the country. The non-biodegradable styrofoam stays here in a landfill, or we probably send it to Canada."

It made me think of Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, the one where Superman collects all the nuclear weapons in the world and then throws them into the Sun to destory them forever(redundant). But Lex Luthor places an evil Superman embryo-egg-thing on one of the weapons so when it hits the sun evil Superman is borne(goddamn right 'borne' with an 'e').

This of course reminded me of all the reports of "space junk" that we send into space. Satellites that just stop working and then drift into the outer rims of our universe. Space Junk sounds like a really horrible thing that kids from Berkeley should be protesting about, except the only missing piece of information is that we don't know how big the universe is. It could be like dropping a piece of sand somewhere in Montana. Or it could be like dropping a boulder in a kid's sandbox. Or perhaps our universe is some sort of inverted torus knot and eventually if something flies out of our galaxy, it will come sailing back from the other side.

Because we have no grasp mentally or physically as to how big the universe is, (if it is indeed singular) we can't ever feel small or helpless or insignificant. Since there are no boundaries, no scale, we have no way of knowing if we are the big, ultimate hairless monkeys in space, or if the light-matter-beasts of Upsilon-Q7, with their light refracting skin(invisibility) and telekinetic powers(telekinesis) are in fact, the big kahunas we should welcome with tribute and sacrificial offerings.

Either way, I hope that the Comcast satellite that is sailing past Jupiter doesn't mutate into an evil Superman, because we don't have a good Superman to stop him.

And that movie was ultra-lame.

ToonTown is a Bad Idea

For those that have never been to a Disneyland Theme Park, a while back they added in a new "land" based on "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"

They built ToonTown.

Sounds harmless right? Except for the fact that the location of ToonTown serves as a key plot element of the movie because it is where the main character's brother was MURDERED.

In fact, the body count in this movie is extraordinarily high, human and 'toon alike, especially for a Disney movie(I'm pretty sure there isn't a Bambi ride called, Escape from the Mean Ol' Forest Fire). But for the love of god, who thought it was a good idea to build ToonTown?

OK, so even though we never see this fateful ToonTown murder, when the characters end up going to ToonTown, they engage in numerous moving violations, a car accident due to negligence, two shootings and aggravated assault. Hey, Michael Eisner! I've got a great idea for a new addition to Disneyland! I call it Hilarious Spanish Harlem! Or better yet, as an addition to your ridiculous California Adventure attraction, where you can buy beer and wine, let's build The Wonderful World of Compton! How about adding a ride in FrontierLand- Chinese Opium Slave Whore Den! The kids won't know the difference because they'll be laughing with glee as they chase the dragon for the first time!

I'd love to meet the kid that JUST watched Roger Rabbit before going to ToonTown in Disneyland, and his parents hold him by the hand as the kid staggers, horrified, into the attraction- constantly looking over his shoulder for ex-con toons- you know, the ones with the tear drops drawn on to their cheeks, and the barbed wire inked around their arms. His parents wonder why their child is terrified by such a colorful and goofy locale!

Now I know that some of you will draw parallels to other murderous rides as Disneyland, but I can't think of any other rides or attractions that are based on something so completely evil. The only one that comes close is Pirates of the Caribbean, the original with the raping pirates, not the "hungry" pirates. But that ride doesn't really have any death implied or involved. Splash Mountain has it's problems, like how scary it gets (go to your laughing place) and it's origin from the delightfully racist, Song of the South. But nothing comes close to the deadly gang-infested, crime-ridden streets of ToonTown.

To whomever was responsible for ToonTown being built, congratulations on a battle won for diversity- you've given the jailhouse toons, the Crip and Blood toons, the pedophile toons, the toons with the Boost Mobile phones and gold teeth, a place to go where they can live as they want to- in a crazed world of murder, slapstick comedy, and sight gags.

PS: I would love to have written a blog about the Hollywood Limousine "ride," from California Adventure, except that no one would REALLY know what I was talking about except for a very very few people.

I don't know if there will ever be a ride like that again...

EDITED TO ADD: here is an amazing excerpt from Wikipedia about "Superstar Limo"

"... One of the original Hollywood Backlot attractions was "SuperStar Limo," which was the only dark ride in the entire park. Its plot revolved around the guest being a celebrity who had just arrived at Los Angeles International Airport, and who is taken for a ride through Hollywood in a limousine. The humor was based on inside jokes ("Madame Leota" from The Haunted Mansion makes a cameo appearance) and obsessed fans and paparazzi, and much of it very likely went over the heads of many guests. The attraction was criticized for crude sets and characters, and was the first attraction in the park to close. It was open for less than a year, and a Monsters Inc. attraction has been constructed in its place. The Monsters Inc ride opened on January 23, 2006, following its soft opening in late December 2005."

EDIT TO ADD MORE: here is an excerpt from "The Disney Blog," that certainly serves as the flipside for this coin (http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/1685875)

January 21, 2005
Remembering Superstar Limo
I was able to visit Disney's California Adventure soon after it opened, which means I actually got to ride the infamous Superstar Limo. I already read lots of negative buzz before my visit, so I definitely made a point to experience it, since I had a feeling it wouldn't be around for long (and the non-existent line was another clue!). Of course, the attraction pretty much was what I expected, and since that one ride I've read so many jokes and jeers about it that even my own memories were altered into thinking it was the worst attraction conceivable.
Well, I recently watched the SuperStar Limo DVD from the Extinct Attractions Club, and it's not nearly as bad as I remembered! Some of the caricatured animatronics are actually kind of clever (even with limited movement), and even though 90% of the sets are painted flats, it's still really colorful and fun. The queue featured some cool graphic design, and the purple limo ride vehicles themselves were on a par with the cabs in Roger Rabbit's Car-Toon Spin (minus the spin). There was even a quick Madame Leota parody that I had completely forgotten! On the other hand, I'm amazed at how terrible the CG Joan Rivers and the agent were!
I'm looking forward to whatever happens to this attraction, since anything is better than keeping it closed. I'm certainly in favor of a Monsters, Inc. attraction, but I'm kind of hoping they keep the limos in the theme somehow.
EDITED TO ADD ANOTHER BLOG ENTRY: Go here for a longer description of all things Superstar Limo. This one is especially good for a few reasons: 1.) The blogger stood outside the exit and listened to people talk about the ride as they left, 2.) It's from a site entitled "LaughingPlace.com" and 3.) he defends the fact that the ride is going to get better after they 'revamp' it. HA! Go here- LAUGHINGPLACE.COM
EDITED TO ADD: GOD'S WOUNDS! I FOUND PICTURES!!! AAAAHHHH!!!

Crowds are screaming for more Whoopi!

Look! It's Drew Carey!
God Bless the internet!

Signature of Jeff Crocker
6/8/06