Common/Uncommon

"It's not common in humans, but it's common in BEARS!" My girlfriend yells this across the room as she stomps to the bathroom to take a shower. She's currently suffering from Pityriasis Rosea, a virus of the skin that literally translates to "Scaly and Pink." It's level of contagion is up for debate, as the trusty internet says, "not very contagious" but the doctor alleges, "is highly contagious." Most commonly, Pityriasis Rosea is found in bears.

This reminded me of my own rare medical problem that- like most young males with an uncommon, somewhat embarrassing medical conditions- I received in college. I thought I had bruised my tailbone because I had been in pain whenever I sat down all week. So you can imagine my surprise when I'm playing Xbox and my "bruise" explodes in the back of my pants. Yeah.

[graphic descriptive paragraph withheld by public's request]

But the school medical center opens at 8 and you can bet your ass, no pun intended, thats where I was come Monday morning.

I go into the doctor and sit uncomfortably with six pounds of Neosporin and bandages in my butt-crack until the doctor decides to see me.

"Well," he exclaims after I've dropped my pants and bent over the table, "this is pretty uncommon!" You know, for such a harmless phrase, it sure isn't something you want to hear in the doctor's office, but I suppose it could be worse. "You know, I'd like to bring in my intern to show this to." Oh, it IS worse.

Five minutes later I'm back with my shorts at my ankles and now in addition to an old doctor looking into my butt, there is a gorgeous young woman admiring the crossroads of my posterior and my spinal column.

"It's called a pilonidal cyst. Or at least, it was, as it appears to have burst last night." Indeed. The doctor addresses the pretty intern, "These are pretty uncommon so I thought you would like to see something like this." The girl begins prodding my tender tailbone/northern ass region with her latex clad digit, I squirm and grit my teeth, but I am determined not to yelp out because pants or no, its still a pretty girl paying attention to me.

The doctor explains that they dont really know what causes them but they are easily treated with antibiotics. If the antibiotics dont do the job adequately I can return and they will excise the demonic abscess with fire or ice or something that burns skin without remorse.

"Thank you," I say.
"Thanks for letting me look in," the intern girl says and then laughs awkwardly.
"Your welcome! It's not everyday I have a pretty girl check out my ass." Yes, I was flirting; partly because she was cute and also I wasnt wearing any pants and was trying to deflect some of my insecurity with humor.
"Of course I could always check your prostate." Silence.
Awkward silence.
"Ooooooooo-K. Well, I guess I'll go get this prescription filled."

And Jeff and his Cyst lived happily ever after. After that is, he destroyed his cyst with delicious antibiotics.

Now if this post doesnt make you want to subscribe to my blog, something that all you readers should do, check back next week for one that does.