That's Right. I'm Getting Smarter, Bitch.

So guess which handsome, pirate-clad, MySpace blogger, is about to get fifty thousand times smarter than all y'all?

That's right: ME.

Why, you ask? What is the reason for this sudden influx of intense intelligence? You really want to know? Well then- I'll fucking tell you.

I just subscribed my-goddamn-self to The Economist.

What's that you say? Holy shit? You're goddamn right holy shit. It's chock full of articles about Muslims and Jews and Mel Gibsons. Oh snap! Topical humor regarding myriad issues addressed by The Economist.

I can feel my brain pulsating with world issues and articles regarding things that most Americans ignore and take for granted- Alternative Energy? Check. Endangered Species? Check. Terrorism Abroad? Motherfucking CHECK. You can't even comprehend my staggering increase in IQ just from the process of SUBSCRIBING to The Economist.

These are WORLD issues people- not just your hot shit Prius getting you in the carpool lane. Fuck that. Did you know that Sudan's Government is rejecting African Union Peacekeepers as well as UN soldiers? BOOM! Straight outta Tha Economist, Ladies!

Time Magazine is for amatuers who smoke crack and suck dick. NewsWeek is straight-hack bathroom reading, son. US News & World Report? Who the fuck reads that shit? Get that shit the fuck outta my face, bitch! The Economist will rain death and also meteors on your bullshit waiting room "news periodicals" printed on cheap paper. The Economist is printed on gangsta, 24 karat, pimped-out, RECYCLED paper! BOW DOWN!

Don't be such a fucking pussy, and get yourself some real brain matter where it counts! Hard-style! I'm so fucking smart now. It's not even fucking funny. I'm up to my ears in Grade-A, Harvard educated, Einstein pussy, now, all thanks to my homes- The Economist!