High Score!

I love video games. The fun of playing video games for me, comes from the frenetic activity of mashing buttons and collecting apples and coins and mushrooms and birds and breaking bricks with your head or shooting a mafia crimelord or pretending you're a panda. Seriously, in the world of video games, there is nothing to far-fetched. Today, I got the highest score on Pacman that I have ever acheived and I am smiling from ear to ear about it. It's a very modest score, but I played really well and my strategy paid off. My high score stands at 46,200 on Level 7. I was reading a book about the history of arcade games and it said that Pacman is the most successful video game of all time. That's pretty hardcore. The book also went on to state that on level 49 or 456 or something, half the screen is a display of gibberish, so you can't literally beat the game. So the highest score possible is something like 3,300,000 points if you eat everything possible, and since there are so many Pacman masters in the world, they stopped measuring who was the best player in the world by the number of points since there is a finite number, and now they measure it by how fast you beat the game. Pacman is my game of choice at work because it doesn't take too much concentration or time to play and it's not too frustrating to start and stop over again. There are a few different online Pacman games out there, but here is the one that I play. Also, for the office gamers out there, the most original videogame website on the entire planet is: Orisinal.com There is a game where you are an egg adn you jump into baskets. There is another game where you are a bunch of gerbil/muskratty things that collecting red circles and avoid bees. And there is a game where you are a panda. Fucking sweet. A co-worker recommended to me EveryVideoGame.com to me yesterday when he saw me playing Pacman. He said there were tons of old Atari games on there, and with a name like every video game- well! I hustled over there right away! And I'm sad to report, they certainly don't have every video game- but there selection is quite large, consisting of Atari, 8-bit NES, and Sega games. All digitally transcribed from the cartridge system to online Java versions. Pretty cool. Another recommendation I found yesterday while searching for other old Atari games was PLAY.vg a site filled with links to old all sorts of old games, as well as, updated or remodeled versions of a lot of the older games. For the Frogger addicts out there, check out Sheepish!. Actually, Sheepish is from another website that has tons of online games called MINIclip. Miniclip actually as TOO MANY games for their own good. What they offer that no one else has are interesting versions of hangman(Hang a Roo) and Battleship(BattleShips) I would love, maybe as a present from someone, one of those new Plug and Play joysticks that they sell. There is an Acclaim joystick with like, Warheads, GrandPrix, Pitfall, etc. and a Pacman one with Pacman, Ms Pacman and Centipede. Some of them come with like 30 games and you just plug them into the front of your television and flip a switch, and it's like having a console system in the palm of your hand! $15 bucks! Huzzah! So- go waste some time, try and beat my Pacman high score, be a panda and rock out! And if your boss catches you- we don't know each other.

Haute Dog! Here I come!

I receive an e-newsletter from the Cal State Long Beach English Department every couple of days. Most of the time it has to do with on campus events or classes being offered. Sometimes it deals with readings and other off campus events, like the one i got today. I don't know if it's kosher to reproduce any of it, but i had to post this section:

Saturday, April 2: Haute Dog Poetry. As everyone in the area must know by now, Haute Dog means Justin Rudd, the impresario who promotes beach clean-ups, dog Easter parades and other community events. You are invited to read your favorite dog-themed works. Rudd will present prizes for the best entries.

Haute Dog Poetry begins at 1 p.m. on Ocean Boulevard, east of the Belmont Pier between Roycroft and Argonne Avenues, close to the water.

Directions: go to http://www.dogzone.com

For those that don't live here in Long Beach, Haute Dog is a canine boutique on 2nd St., in Belmont Shores, a very trendy part of town.

Three things immediately popped into my mind when I read this: 1.) I don't really like dogs. 2.) i don't really like poetry, nor do i ever write it and 3.) i really really really want to go do this.

Basically, to all you girls wearing dark eye make up and all you guys wearing dark eye make up, i am looking for some good poetry pointers to get my poetry up to snuff to compete in the Haute Dog! poetry competition! I know that there are PLENTY of people on MySpace with poetry experience so let's hear it! I've got a week and a half to get ready!

Does anyone else have any ideas on what I should write about?

K-DAY 93.5 FM

This one's for all you LA radio people- I love lots of different music, but the two things that I've never gotten into are 1.) contemporary country and 2.)rap/hip-hop. As for country, Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings, Dolly Parton, they're pretty good. I like Johnny Cash. But the Garth Brooks, Dixie Chicks is just petty, tear-jerking, frustratingly hackneyed music. My dislike for country isn't hatred, nor does it have anything to do with exposure, so for all of you country heads out there that want to say, "You just haven't been exposed to the GOOD country music." I'm not a fan of country, so stop trying. Ok, as for rap and hip-hop, that is a case of not being exposed to the right stuff because, as I come to the point of this post, my eyes have been opened. On my commute to Hollywood, I always would see signs for "KDAY- hip hop today and back in the day!" 93.5 FM. So i finally, switched over from Indie 103.1, one evening on my way home and HOLY SHIT- KDAY is astoundigly amazing. They play the best of old school hip hop and not so much of the newer, thuggy stuff. It's the stuff you can dance to and jump around and enjoy, without all the 40s and bitches and gun cocking sound effects and screaming about "deese streets!" They played a Slam! by Onyx, which was number one on MTVs video countdown when i was in 6th grade. They play Digital Underground, Young MC, old DJ Quik(which anyone can tell you is his best stuff), Skee Lo(I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller...), and newer Missy Elliot which I seem to like. All they need is to throw in some MC Hammer, Kriss Kross, and Bone Thugs and Harmony and I will be soooooo happy. So if it's six o clock and you don't want to listen to the re-broadcast of Jonesy's Jukebox or you're sick of 98.7 playing nothing but Maroon 5 and Jack Johnson and, for some reason, old Alanis Morrisette, tune your dial to KDAY, 93.5 FM. That shit is fucking awesome. In related radio news, it's St Patricks day here in Los Angeles and I'm sure, because sooooooooooo many people have been marching in the streets demanding LA radio stations take note of this very important holiday- Arrow 93.1, The Best Classic Rock, is playing ONLY U2 today. It's been about four hours, and they're reeeeeaaaaalllllyyy scraping the bottom of the U2 barrel. I think i'm going to throw up.

The Concept of Monday

"Looks like somebody's got a case of the Mondays!" I'm sure most of you recognize this turn of phrase from the cult movie, Office Space, and while I don't attribute the coining of the term to Mike Judge, he certainly is the reason it became such a prevalent comedic phrase in the last few years. We have decided as a society to hate Mondays, because it signifies [spoilers!]the end of the weekend and the beginning of another long week of boring old work. Could this happen with Tuesdays? Wednesdays? or Thursdays? What about people that only work on weekends? I bet the LOVE Mondays! Unfortunately, the problem doesn't fall on us as individuals that just don't appreciate Mondays, it of course relates to whoever the jackass or jackassette was that named the "real" first day of the week Sunday and the second day of the week, Monday(the opposite of Sun, being Moon). So we already subconciously are thinking of the opposite of whatever we were doing the day before, which either had to do with the couch and Arrested Development or Church. And who is the douchebag that still make calendars that start with SUNDAY as the first day of the week. I don't know ANYBODY that considers Sunday the first day of the week. Everyone in the world calls it the weekend collectively, so why do we consider Sunday to still be the first day of the week. The stock market isn't open on the first day of the week. The banks are ONLY closed the first day of the week. The mail doesn't come on the first day of the week. If I'm correct, it was on the FINAL day of creation that God rested, not the fucking FIRST. I buy those small day planners from my college campus. It's about the size of a piece of letter paper folded in half, a spiral notebook, and it's got the entire week written on the two pages when the book is open. And the first day on the left page is MONDAY! Because as a college student, that's where you start to think about things, that's where the week starts for everyone. Will someone please explain to me the reason that printers still make Sunday the first day of the week when no one considers it to be that way? I hate that whenever I go away fro the weekend, I have to draw a line through Friday and Saturday and then, go to the next row and draw a line through Sunday. There has to be a reason I don't know about! Please someone help me with this.

My dominatrix

There comes a time in everyone's life they must submit to the dominating leathered hand of the mistress known as MySpace. And here I am, the pasty, bootlicking submissive that I am, kneeling, with ball gag in place, at the foot of my mistress. But like all good sexual fetishes, not only is it one of fierce, intense love followed by self-hatred and uncomfortable underwear adjusting, but one that is nothing like a "normal" experience for it will last even less than a regular endeavor. You know what they say, right? The candle that burns twice as hot, lasts half as long. I could easily add people as my friends by clicking the appropriate gender-neutral icon or pressing the inoffensive gray button. Or I could call you. Or I could send you an e-mail because i actually have your e-mail address. Or I will see you at a bar later in the evening or at a movie. But NO! I am choosing to use this...this...this...this TOOL of modern technology that we call "MY SPACE." To be totally honest, this feels less like Space than say, a giant, disgusting, dangerous skyscraper that teeters and shudders back and forth with the wind. Each day, more and more people are just stapling their tacky cubicles (built with Thomas' MySpace Editor V.2.345.43) onto the top heavy pinnacle of everything that has been built before us. What no one realizes, is that this entire monstrosity was built ON TOP of the building known as Friendster, which happens to be a hollowed out shell, with everyone having evacuated for the shiny, glossy, future that is MySpace. See, MySpace is capitalizing on the Popeil brand of COMBINATION. MySpace is a photo album, it's a bulletin board for you and your friends. It's a Blog! It's a dating service! It's research for high school reunions! It's hip! It's cool! It's customizable! It's everything you want and need from the internet in one cool, sleek, whizzy package! To put it quite simply, MySpace has driven me completely insane. That's right- I've completely lost touch with reality and answer only to Harvey the Rabbit(Or a less obscure Jimmy Stewart reference). I'm totally batty cakes, because if there is one thing that I've learned from the three days i've been using this "service" it's that human beings are intent on describing themselves according to likes and dislikes and Zodiac symbols and bands and movies and blurbs and slogans and captions. Why have we reduced our human experiences to camera phone pictures and captions?! what are we thinking?! Does anyone miss human interaction? and buying each other drinks during happy hour? have we forsaken a firm handshake and a hearty hug? what has the internet done to love letters and fan clubs? But don't mistake this essay as hatred! It's not. It's totally and completely obsessive, fetish adoration for MySpace. I am hopelessly addicted to this beautiful, intoxicating vixen of wasting time. I love MySpace because of the pain that she gives to me. And then I take a deep breath and ask for more. And more. I want her to hurt me to the point that I will cry and suffer and cower. But I know, within my wonderful agony, is the longing for more attention and humiliation from my mistress. Please. Please. Give me more. If anything, this is written purely out of fear; fear of submitting completely to MySpace, to her dominating grip of power and control. Killing me softly... Either way, Mistress MySpace, I'll see you soon. Your willing slave, Jeffrey Crocker

Pirates! and merchandise!

So, I love pirates. But not, like, the real kind that scuttle your ship, rape the women and children, and plunder your booty(if you know what i mean). I like the concept of the rum-swilling, swash-buckling, tap-dancing, shark-battling pirate. The kind that sings and dances and hasn't done his pirate-liguistic research so all he can do is say AARRR!!! a lot. Now, if you've ever been to my house, you can't help but notice the pirate themed bathroom that is, to say the least, pretty awesome. I've made a lot of modifications to the original bathroom as well as custom made pirate paraphanalia to decorate. And as inspired by other artists I have met and my dear dear friend Andy, I have decided to start selling these custom made pirate wares. I usually make written stuff, or tattoo maps made on fake skin, but if anyone has anything they would like, let me know, i will tell you how long it will take and how much it will cost and hopefully we can work something out. i probably can't sculpt anything or make ships in bottles or build you a model pirate ship or anything, so don't ask for something complicated. Maybe this is a bad idea, but i think that someone needs to provide this service. right? RIGHT?!

What an awful picture of me

i need a better representation of myself than a picture of me in a Czech prison.