Nixon Overload: A Day Trip to Yorba Linda

My dad and I went to see an exhibit on model trains- at the Nixon library, birthplace, museum, and resting place, obviously.

It was pretty cool. I expected a large room with a bunch of different layouts (model train terminology for a piece of painted plywood you put model trains on), where you could walk amidst them all and enjoy the intricacies of plastic buildings and whizzy model trains. In actuality, it was a giant mountain of Styrofoam and plaster and CVS holiday buildings with like 24 model trains all ripping around on loops and ovals of all gauges(model train sizes).

The walls were filled with shelves and shelves of antique/vintage model trains from almost a hundred years ago. My dad and I felt the same way, we probably couldn't appreciate the value of some of these awesome old mechanical goodies.

Here are a few pictures from the exhibit:

Panorama of the south side of the "glacier" (as they referred to it)

There are four trains zipping around this mini Grand Canyon.

Girl Train!

A little gruesome...who thought this scene under the Golden Gate was a good idea?

Wall of Trains!

MORE PICTURES ON MY FLICKR SITE: www.flickr.com/photos/crockeronline There's a ton up there from all sorts of stuff, feel free to browse.

We figured, "Well, we're at the Nixon library, when are we going to come here again? Lets walk around."

Wow. I don't think I ever need to see another button or pin or newspaper article about Ricahrd fucking Nixon ever, EVER again. I thought it was going to be a small, walk around a couple small rooms of stuff, but it was a twisting, crippling, labyrinth of Richard Milhous Nixon. That guy did a ton of amazing stuff, all the while being kind of America's greatest skeez. And he's from Yorba Linda.

And his official Presidential helicopter, I'm not making this up, seats 16 people, has 32 ashtrays, two wetbars, one red phone, and NO SEATBELTS.

If you live in southern California, and are in junior high and have to do a report on Richard Nixon, this is the place to go. Or if you need Presidential tchotchkes, the gift shop is the place to go.

They also do weddings.

Happy New Year everybody!

Super High Me - Doug Benson’s pot documentary trailer online

What feels like fifteen years ago, we made this documentary with Doug Benson (Best Week Ever) about pot. The trailer I made popped up online this morning and I thought I would pass it along to you fine people.

Super High Me trailer - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7vMqowaPig

Feel free to forward it out to all your pro- or anti- marijuana friends, because everyone should see the movie as it follows a fascinating experiement with the devil's weed.

For all those Digg-ers out there, Digg it up!

Digg it up, Delicious it, or whatever it is you kids do with your Helios these days.

Spread the word!

Brief Links or Lief Brinks

Hello-

A few of you may have seen a bulletin I posted a few weeks ago asking for a new news site to get my headlines from because I just couldn't take the horrible, fear-mongering, retarded news that CNN.com pushed on the world. It's the WORST.

Thank you to all that responded and alert reader, professional TV-watcher, Daniel Ricker wised me up to Huffington Post, which I have adopted immediately and effortlessly and am enjoying immensely. They've got a great format, great political coverage, and some pretty awesome commentary blogs (Alec Baldwin is a regular contributor).

And then, as icing on the cake, I recently found a list of great blogs from this year and found this amazing link: WTFCNN. Loyal readers to my blog know that I've posted screenshots of CNN headlines before because THEY ARE RETARDED. And now there is an entire blog devoted to saving the amazing, unfathomably stupid headlines that are posted by CNN.com. WTFCNN is brilliant.

Hope everyone is having a delightful holiday season!

UPDATED: How many 5 year olds could you take in a fight?

25

I normally don't post stuff like this, but I was laughing through this entire quiz. Plus, the design of it all is pretty spiffy and it's short. Go take the quiz.

I've always loved when ideas that have no scientific value are approached in with a scientific eye. The rules they give in determining the "constant" of the five year olds and they playing field is hilarious.

This is actually the premise for the book "Freakonomics;" using statistical analysis in ways that it's never been used, for jobs, items, or ideas that don't warrant it, but in applying these two uncomplimentary forces we seem to be finding out that they DO work well with each other. There's a whole section of the book that deals with what real estate agents have to do with the KKK. It's a very interesting read.

Althought I have to wonder- what has happened to me at that "25 five-year-olds" mark? Have I been knocked unconscious? killed? was I too exhausted to continue? Did I suddenly have a change of heart in beating up these kids? Or was it just such a steady stream of kids that they eventually buried me alive.

I wonder.

EDIT: WHAT THE HELL! I am so sorry. I had no idea you were going to get spammed. I took the quiz twice (the second time to see how many 5 year olds a 7 foot body builder with years of martial arts experience could take) and never got spammed. Ugh. I'm a dick.

Try this link

That's the original link that I followed to take the quiz. If you get singles-spammed at the end of that, they must have changed all their bullshit to spam people, in which case, you are all five year olds and I WIN!

It’s not the gifts I want, it’s the guides

I really like the holiday season, but it's not because of the shopping, the gifts, the family, the celebration, walking through Naples, or the latkes and gingerbread cookies (although…); no, what I really get excited about is all the Holiday Gift Guides that people create detailing awesome gifts, whether or not I can ever afford them or need them. I just want to know about all the delightful techy gadgets and video games that I don't need; I want to hear about the amazing DVD boxed sets I won't watch; and of course, the insane, extravagant collectibles that I will laugh at in someone else's home.

There's something comforting about crawling under the blankets with a warm cup of cocoa and reading someone else's carefully crafted gift list. So without further ado, I present Jeff Crocker's Holiday Guide to Holiday Gift Guides:

Wired magazine
http://www.wired.com/
Remember that time that I started a story with "Remember that time my dad gave me a FIREHOSE for Hanukkah?" I'm hoping next year will be the year we hear that story. Wired magazine has some great tech-gadget guides in every issue, but their latest is the greatest. A $600 carbon fiber, firehose? That atomizes water into 300-micron mists to cool your damp Malibu lawn as the firestorm approaches (after a quick stop at Promises rehab facility). Cameras, watches, motorized walking Lego Star Wars AT-ATs- their guide is standard, but totally fun.

Aintitcool's Quint's Epic 3-Part Geek Gift Adventure
http://aintitcool.com/node/34877
I could take or leave Harry Knowles, awkward-eroitca movie reviews and news, but every holiday season since they told me I could buy a desk EXACTLY like Space Ghost's for $10,000 I have returned every year giddy with excitement as to what bizarre nerd-obilia would be presented. This year is just as good with some ridiculous overwrought DVD collections; too expensive action figures, and Stephen Fry talking clocks (the website doesn't work very well, but it's worth it to hear the examples). Nerds go here at your own risk, whether or not you even care about action figures, you'll want to spend $60 on the kickass The Dude and Watler (with Pomeranian) actions figures.

Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com
I like Amazon, because I don't have to go shopping with people and I can go exactly to the aisle I'm looking for; not to mention I still feel like I'm at a store with other products because of all the recommendations crammed on every page.

MAKE
http://www.makezine.com
Smart publications have gift guides in every issue and MAKE is smart. It's also a quad-yearly little slice of heaven that I enjoy devouring when it arrives. (Also, my girlfriend's brother is in this issue with a tree branch impaling his leg.) Why/How their gift guide rocks- it includes kits for hydrogen fuel cell car, DIY green surfboard, and a gyroplane flying motorcycle kit. Not to mention if you have a earth-caring, electronics-savvy friend, this issue and the next explain how to make solar panels and wire them into your house's power supply/grid/thing. Cool!

Core 77 – 77 gifts under $77
http://www.core77.com/ultimategiftguide/
Wow. What an awesome list of totally radical gifts. I can't…I can't….I just can't explain how awesome this list is- I want everything. I covet, do you hear me? I covet socket wrench flatware. I demand fold-up cardboard wineracks. I…I…[passes out]

Apple Store
http://store.apple.com/1-800-MY-APPLE/WebObjects/AppleStore?node=campaigns/holiday
Is this an obvious choice? Maybe, but that doesn't make it not a great gift guide. They follow the best rule of gift guides- accessories. For every Apple product they advertise, there is a grip of sweet third party accessories you will want.

Dwell
http://www.dwell.com/products/slideshows/giftguide/10927981.htmlid=a_5&num=4
Browsing through the men's stuff it all looks, well, kind of lame and Sharper Image-y, but that stuff for Teenage Boys is RAD! A USB turntable? Portable, foldout speakers? Cool! THAT FUCKING BEARD CAP THING! I don't know if I care about anything else on that list which means that I am perennially a teenage boy. (Full disclosure: I do want one of those Diana cameras that they have started manufacturing again, but I was afraid to say anything because it's in the teen girl section)

Engadget
http://www.engadget.com/2007/11/24/engadgets-holiday-gift-guide-2007/
Obviously, this post is written by a boy, so you'll have to deal with all sorts of boy things. Scroll down the writing to the "related posts" menu to click on the individual guides. There's some pretty amazing gadgets that I had no idea existed- a YouTube enabled camera; a Wifi-roving erector set robot with webcam; and someone please help me figure this one out- the GP2X F200 is a handheld videogame device that if I'm correct, can play SNES, SEGA Genesis, and NES ROMs as an emulator? I think you have to be a pretty tech savvy nerd to hack everything, but it sounds like some sort of open source handheld device. And if I can play River City Ransom and Metal Warriors on it, I'm in.

So…that's it. I think I especially love gift guides because I never actually buy any of these things they offer. Ever. It's just a flood of dopamine to my brain to help me cope with the holiday season. Happy Hanukkah everybody!

50,195 Final Word Count

I just finished writing my novel for National Novel Writing Month and I almost cried when I was done.

Not so much out of how beautiful the prose was at the glorious denoumont or anything, but at the sheer amount of ungraceful determination and aggravation it took to write one hundred single spaced pages in 30 days.

To be more accurate- 22 days, three days off for a shoot, one day off for Thanksgiving and driving from LA to San Francisco with my girl, and one day off for…I don't know…I was probably blocked or something.

It's going to be a long road until I've finished revising it and the manuscript is in any place to show to anyone, but rest assured there will be much touting and shouting and well, maybe not too much rhyming and miming, thank god, but you'll hear about it I'm sure.

Oh yes, did I mention that I have a very full, very obnoxious beard? There's that. I hate it, but I said I was going to write a novel in a month and by god, I did it in 22 days. I also said I was going to grow a beard in a month and by god, I did that in like, 8 hours on November 1st. If I find any good pictures I'll post them.

Or you can come out and see my beard in action at my band, Townland's first gig. Saturday, the December 8th at 9PM. Check out our myspace page for details. Myspace.com/townland

The only other remaining item of business is the matter of my reward. I told myself that I was going to by a new television if I finished the novel…and now that I've done it, I guess I need to make good for myself, right? I'd kind of like a flat-panel HDTV, about 20" I guess. I know there are cheap flat panel LCDs that aren't HD, but that's my quandary- I don't really have any use for HD- no cable or network, no PS3 or HD DVD player, just a standard def DVD player and Playstation 2. But I'm thinking that if the world is changing to HD, I should stand up and change with it right? Write? Anyone?

I'm so tired.

Never Going Back

I just spent the last two nights with my girlfriend watching "Cheaters" on DVD, uncensored, and I will never be able to watch it on television again.

What? You aren't familiar with Joey Greco and the Cheaters Detective Squad? Holy shit, you poor human. Cheaters is a television show like COPS, only for people being unfaithful to boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses. Someone hires the Cheaters private investigators and they snoop around and find out if the person is cheating or not; however, if they are being aired on the show, they are ALWAYS cheating. Then, the host, Joey Greco, takes the one being cheated on and they confront the cheater. The production crew almost always times the confrontation to perfectly occur mid-coitus, offering the maximum of tossing the naked chick off the dudes' lap in a shower of pillows, sheets, and g-strings, and the resulting screaming match happening with full frontal nudity.

The thing is- it's always blurred and bleeped on television. Once, about a year ago, my girlfriend and I saw the greatest episode ever which involved a S&M dungeon and black latex and baby clothes. But after watching the uncensored version, I don't think we will ever be the same.

We were watching The Best of Cheaters Volume 5, which included, plenty of fights, meth heads, these two black lesbians that were trying to kill each other and my a dude opening up a paintball gun on the camera crew (you could hear the cameraman grunting from each paintball hitting them, but they kept on filming).

Also, here is my favorite line from the "interview" portion of Cheaters, as they are introducing the woman who hired them:
Fat Mexican Girl: if I find out that he is cheating on me....[sniffle]…I'm going to kill him. Out of love.

If you're wondering what to get that person in your family that loves Maury Povich, Jenny Jones, and owns all the Jerry Springer: Too Hot for TV videos, Cheaters is the gift to give this holiday season. You will not be disappointed by it.

A brief break from writing to write about writing

I'm well over halfway done with my NaNoWriMo novel and I'm feeling pretty "eh" about it; to the point where I know that it's going to be a mess when I get back in to the editing process and rewrite the intro to match all the inane plot twists I have since written.

But I'm having fun and if I'm not crazy-busy, I'm usually cranking out two to three thousand words a day. By that figuring, I'll be wrapping up shortly after the holiday this weekend, unless by some miracle, I get inspired while I'm up in Sebastapol with my girl. Which I suppose is quite possible.

Also, in news about writing, I heard a piece on the radio today where Jeff Bezos was talking about the Amazon Kindle, their eBook reader and interestingly enough, Amazon's first tangible product.

Many of you know that I have a severe book addiction and I love reading and writing all sorts of media: comic books, magazines, newspapers, blogs, Sedaris, etc. I love all of it. So when I heard Time Magazine's Man of the Year 1999 Jeff Bezos talk about this "revolutionary" new product I was intrigued. His interview was fascinating and the NPR correspondant had some great questions regarding how you can make reading an eletronic device like reading a book.

While Bezos talked about the eInk they use and the way the machine works, is linked to the Amazon book store (like iTunes, the 90,000 eBooks they have are all $9.99) wirelessly, I started to get excited. When Bezos said "people love to sit down in the morning and read the paper," saying they will have newspapers available on the Kindle I got really excited.

This seemed like a gadget I could really get into and could possibly be my new best friend, even at the steep $400 price tag. As long as they include RSS, for easy, free acesss to blogs and such, I would preorder in a second.

But alas, this is a tragic story- the four honge is only the beginning of the priace you would have to pay. Newspaper and magazine subscriptions* would cost about $15 a month, and EACH RSS BLOG SUBSCRIPTION would cost $2, instead of the ZERO DOLLARS I pay to read them on NetNewsWire at home or abroad on my laptop.

Also, when I finally got online and took a look at it, the thing looks kind of lame. Not horrible, not without tought and ergonomic intelligence- just bleh. It looks more like a gadget from twenty years ago, a handheld Apple IIe, than something that is supposed to be an iPod for books.

Not only that, but the competitor, Sony's Reader may look better, but is more stupid and less intuitive and has less features expandibility.

Anyhow, that's where my nerd is at- someone recommend something super cool and nerdy for me to pine over this holiday season. Something useful, yet expandable. Come on now, I know there is something I don't know about.




*e-Ink doesn't support color YET, so how can you do magazines?

You don’t understand

My mind has been blown. FOR REAL.

You don't get it. Lucha Vavoom was a fucking UNBELIEVABLE experience. A few friends invted my girlfriend and I to the show on October 30th. I posted the pictures right away, but it's taken me a week(I've been busy- see other blogs), to get around to posting these.

Nothing to say, just amazement. Also, I took some awesome pictures and some not so awesome pictures and if you make it to the bottom, there is video.

For the full Flickr set (92) photos: OBEY LINK


Little Chicken arrives in a Hot Rod; the procession before the show that occurs out front is amazing. Clown cars, hot rods, busty beauties, El Chupacabra harassing the Little Goat, yeah, awesomeness.


Blurry Babes Waiting for the Show to Start


The show begins with some female on female double team action.


Goddamn right.


Yes you are.


I cannot explain this picture. You just have to see it live.


One of the Crazy Chickens looking on as his bro is about to get suplexed.


Look out, Little Goat!


Chupacabra gives the thumbs up to us, as Felino looks on.


Just a fan.


Chupacabra vs. Cassandro


Chupacabra making his move…!

And then my camera's memory was full up. I took that many pictures.

But I did get these videos too.

Lucha VaVoom - clip 1

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Lucha VaVoom - clip 2

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Lucha Vavoom is the best night of the year in Los Angeles. I am living proof.

Quickie Update from NaNoWriMo and NaBeGroMo

So apparently, on day 3 of National Novel Writing Month, a whole bunch of people were done! What? You already wrote 50,000 words in three days? I'm no slouch, I'm no workaholic, and I could probably lay down 6,000 on a phenomenal day, that would be the max that I could do creatively and coherently. But 17,000 words in a day for three days straight? Doesn't that really take the fun out of it; shouldn't these people be signing up for National Novel Writing Week?

I'm at 6100 words out of 50,000 which is fine, I could be doing more, but I could certainly be doing less, like I had the first two days. Things are rolling now and I feel comfortable for the next few days with the plot that I need to lay down.

Also, I've decided to grow my "writin' beard" out during this month. Unfortunately for me, I hate facial hair, so we'll see how long this lasts before my girlfriend dumps me or I give in to the Gillete.

That's it. I've got time this week to work on this but things are going to get hairy later in the month when I need money and have to start working again. I've got to be at 8300 by the end of tonight.

Dia de Los Navidad Muertos

Yesterday I worked with my friend Sarah on a commercial. It was at a really nice studio space literally ten feet from the Pacific ocean and connected (weird to have a sound stage connected like this) to a delicious deli that did the catering. Pretty cool.

What wasn't cool- was that I did more Christmas decorating in a single 12 hour day than I have in MY ENTIRE LIFE. I fucking trimmed a tree. On top of that, i was forced to all the attention of the hippies in Venice berating me for "getting into the spirit a little early aren't we?"

At the CVS up the street purchasing wrapping paper, the manager patted me on the shoulder and said, "Alright! Getting started early this season eh young man?" Who was I to tell him that I didn't celebrate his precious Christmas and looked upon the whole holiday season with scorn and disdain.

And then, wrapping out the set, I walked outside with the unreturnable mini tree that I had spent the morning hanging tiny ornaments on(shudder), and this woman on her bike yelled at me, "Wow, you sure are getting that Christmas tree out early aren't you, kid?!" I didn't respond, as I was heading to the dumpster to drop the thing on the growing pile of felt snowflakes, plastic covered pinecones, and splintered nutcrackers.*

That's how that works. I can't wait for Thanksgiving.




*Splintered Nutcrackers is playing live at the Wiltern this weekend.

November First is Coming

As many of you know, I signed up for National Novel Writing Month this year. I'll have the thirty days of November to write 50,000 words of a novel. There is a "kick-off" party tonight in downtown, and while I wanted to go to that, it would've royally screwed up my important Halloween plans.

But I'm not as worried about not being able to go and meet other nerds, because I totally don't have a plot or character or idea that I want to write about. I sort of brainstormed yesterday but nothing really came of it. I'm still conflicted about a genre. I'm a complete mess. Spies, zombies, astronauts, time travel, romance, erotica? All these are things that I could take on, if only I had an idea to begin with.

The other problem is that I'm so close with a few of my ideas, but far enough that I don't feel confident in sitting down and fleshing them out, figuring out endings and the like. That's usually what really nails me- the end. I'm not good at resolution, usually because I'm not good at setting up conflict. I spend most of my time avoiding conflict at any length and so I lead a unexciting life, free of most conflict.

Conflict is inside all of us, emotional, personal, secret conflicts we don't tell anyone about. Things that eat us up inside, but don't necessarily lead to any action. Many strong and powerful writers, like Hemingway, could write about internal conflict well and personalize it within his characters to the point of making the reader feel almost claustrophobic by the intense issues plaguing the protagonist. Unfortunately, I am no Hemingway.

So it stands that I am a writer without conflict, in search of something interesting and gripping and catalytic.

And it's Halloween(party night at least)! So I'm not going to think about it until tomorrow or Monday.

HERE IS THE BEST HALLOWEEN VIDEO:

This “Things We Lost in the Fire” Promotional Campaign Has Gotten Out of Hand

I know that viral marketing is the it thing when it comes to promoting your TV show, movie, or social networking site, but the current campaign for Halle Berry's film "Things We Lost in the Fire" has gotten out of hand.

The strategically placed firestorms around Los Angeles and San Diego county are certainly drawing attention to all the things that all these people are losing in all these fires, but I've heard rumblings in and around the insurance industry that whoever signed off on this grandiose scheme is going to get rubbed out.

After the whole Boston/Mooninite bomb scare fiasco, you would think that skewed-thinking advertising companies would be a little bit more cautious before they brazenly toyed with public property. With thousands displaced, damages reaching a billion dollars (which I doubt will be covered by three-day grosses on opening weekend), I'm not sure that the proper attention is being paid to Dreamworks' "Things We Lost in the Fire" because we have anarchy and death to deal with now.

I’m evacuating California and fleeing into my house.

The ash and smoke is so bad in Long Beach (I can't imagine what it's like elsewhere), that I have been holed up in my apartment the last two days, with all the doors and windows closed. My head is pounding from breathing the same stale, recycled air, but at least it's not filled with charred dry brush.

It was like this two years ago, when half of Riverside burned to cinders(Riverside real-estate actually went UP*). I remember going to class in a dull orange haze and coming back to see my windows frosted with ash. Blech.

I'm actually afraid to go outside. Even to check the mail- it's that horrible. And my shit isn't burning! A few months ago, during that ridiculous Griffith Park fire that they couldn't put out because they couldn't get any firetrucks up the mountain and/or were prevented by the ghost of Griffith J. Griffith, I thought that my girlfriend's house, which is all of half a mile from the burning hillside, was going to be covered in ash and smoke for the net few days. Instead, the updraft from the Golden State freeway (the 5), created enough pressure to launch that nastiness across town and have it all settle directly on beautiful Glendale.

I imagine that is a similar effect of what is happening now; with fires raging all around Los Angeles county, and Long Beach bearing the brunt of being downwind from Malibu AND that Irvine firestorm, we're getting "beautiful sunsets" I can watch from the gray, stained windows.

It's a grey Halloween this year people.







*ZING!

Cinema Verité

I'm exhausted from shooting all weekend.

Here is a brilliant single take video(hint: it's not from Children of Men).



I know it's not the newest link, but for those that haven't seen it, as well as those that are watching it again, it will always bring a smile to your face.

Have a great week people!

Clickables: Samantha Who, Super High Me, and more!

Here is a quick update link-list for everyone to peruse and abuse:

- New VideoGame Theater website with loads of new content!
- Samantha Who premieres tonight, I did some graphic work but I think it's a pretty funny show and Christina Applegate is adorable. I made the Brillstein logo at the end of the show and I pitched for the opening title sequence and I did some other work that y'all will never see.
- Super High Me premiered last night to a sold-out, waitlisted, audience and got a great reception. Who would have guessed the pot documentary would have sold out at the WOODSTOCK film festival HERE is an article about the festival, but mostly about Super High Me.
- Jesse Dean reminded me that many people don't know I have a bunch of videos on my MySpace video page. Go there to check out some of my "other" stuff and I wouldn't mind a few ratings and comments and forwarding to friends of the items you enjoy.
- The search for America's Next Top Hoodie has concluded with a nice olive green fleece zip-up made by the non-sweatshop sweatshops of American Apparel. Your giant novelty check is in the mail.

That is all! I hope everyone has a great week!

Brass Tacks

Alright, so in case you're just joining us, I've signed up for National Novel Writing Month or, cringe, NaNoWriMo.

I can't decide what I should start brainstorming about or preparing for or training for or what. Besides preparing for writing a novel in a month- I get that part.

The whole 50,000 words in a month thing isn't a great worry of mine. I was telling Annie and Aubrey last night that I can write thousands of words of dribble for many days in a row, where it gets hard for me is the linear nature of a novel- needing all those thousands of words to be about ONE story.

On top of that, I don't know what I should write about in terms of plot. Do I choose something that I know a lot about and love, like science-fiction or action? Or do I choose something that is a bit more foreign to me, like chick-lit, or young-adult drama? I guess this is one of those times where it probably isn't a good idea to try to learn the quirks of a new genre.

It's not that I want to have a plot all laid out and prepared when November 1st comes around, I just want to have a road map to get me through the month. So when I have a job to do and I have to explain that I'm busy writing a novel on a deadline, people will take pause before they fire me. Just having an IDEA is better than starting out with nothing. I've always found that when recording anything, let's say a short film, that those first takes at the beginning of the day, are always useless and never as creative and awesome as the ones toward the end of the day when everyone is warmed up and in the zone. Meaning that if I don't have an idea when I start, the odds are slim that I'll come up with something great in those crucial first day- something that I'll be happy to continue writing about the rest of the month.

(deep breath)

Alright people, any ideas? Or are you all saving them for your own month-novels? (are those called NaNos?)

I’m Going to Write the Fuck Out of a Novel

I majored in English:Creative Writing at Cal State Long Beach and really got into short story reading and writing. Whenever I told people I was an English major they usually asked if I liked writing novels and I said, "No, I really enjoy the short story form a lot more." And that is true.

However, I just signed up for NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH, giving me the entire month of November to write a novel. I know that you have a bunch of questions and to be honest, so do I, but I'll start here first:

Why do you have to sign up for this?
You don't HAVE to sign up with their dorky website to participate. Do you need to sign up for a website to celebrate black history month? The website is a hub, a support system and forum, and it has a few other neat features, like a place to upload excerpts, and keep a running word count/ status meter. Which brings us to…

How long is a novel anyways?
For National Novel Writing Month, you've got thirty days to write 50,000 words. Let me break that down for you- 12 pt, courier font, double spaced, equals very close to 250 words a page. 50,000 words is about 200 pages by that standard. Not a Stephen King book or Grisham novel, but 200 pages isn't exactly a 12 page short story about combining Nyquil and Dayquil.*

Wow. Do they use some sort of goofy abbreviation for National Novel Writing Month?
Yes. It is referred to as NaNoWriMo; and from what I've gleaned, if you are participating, you are a WriMo (I don't understand that one).

Here's a tip from the administrators that is perfect for me-**
Tell everyone you know that you're writing a novel in November. This will pay big dividends in Week Two, when the only thing keeping you from quitting is the fear of looking pathetic in front of all the people who've had to hear about your novel for the past month. Seriously. Email them now about your awesome new book. The looming specter of personal humiliation is a very reliable muse.

They also tell you to not edit any of your writing as you are going, that you should use December as your month to polish the novel you have just written.

What happens if you don't finish?
Nothing- the same that happens if you DO finish. There is no incentive except personal joy having completed something like this.

As national novel writing month has gained steam in the last few years, garnering more and more participants every year, more and more people finish and inherently, more and more people are getting their month-long-written novels actually published.

What they don't tell you is that getting things ready to send to publishers is another month long process that is just as challenging and time-consuming a process as writing the thing.

I will keep you updated. Holy shit, I bet you people CAN'T. FUCKING. WAIT.

Until November, when very likely you won't hear from me too much.





* Fun(?) fact: I actually wrote a story in college about a guy that gets super powers because he combines Nyquil and Dayquil. I thought I was a genius at the time, but I look back on it and cccrrrrriiiinnngggggeeeeeee.


** I've always wondered if my personal motivation could be described in a few sentences and there it is. Almost everything I've ever done, I've completed out of the sheer terror of not wanting to tell people I gave up. We'll see if this will apply to writing 50,000 words in 30 days.

Things to Watch

My girlfriend would be proud: Tune in to CBS tonight for the premiere of painfully, underrated sitcom How I Met Your Mother. You won't be disappointed. Bonus points for guest star Mandy Moore being hilarious in the preview I saw of this episode a few weeks back. Here's the homepage

Also: Comedians of Comedy: Live at the Troubadour, premiering Saturday on Comedy Central,uncut and uncensored @ 1 AM (oops, I guess that's Sunday); it's about 70 minutes. I was the assistant editor on this, BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! Next Tuesday, the 2nd of October, is the DVD release of CoC: Troub- the real, extended cut with two and a half hours of everyone who's everyone in alt-comedy: Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Zach Galifianakis, Maria Bamford, Sarah Silverman and Steve Agee, Dana Gould, Jasper Redd, Bob and David(though I think their sets were cut), and the list goes on. If you like the comedy, buy the DVD. it's the lollapalooza of laughter.
Here's the link to the Comedy Central show

The Post Script: Retarded Policeman- a friend of a friend's video. Totally hilarious and brilliant. Check out their YouTube profile for the rest of their videos. All of which are awesome.

I really should be playing videogames right now

I've been working more lately, which is all fine and dandy, but it's SUCH a nice day out and I really should be playing videogames.

I mean, come on, what better way to spend the last day of summer than by sitting inside and thrashing punks in Streets of Rage? Or morphing into lion-wolf beasts in Altered Beast? Or shotgunning orcs to death in Blackthorne?

I just unearthed my old copy of maybe the greatest videogame of all time- SKITCHIN'. As a Sega Genesis kid, I always wondered if they could possibly make a better videogame than Road Rash- you know, the game where you were a motorcycle racer, except it was more about beating people to near death and watching them fall off their bikes and die screaming across the red asphalt. Oh yeah, without getting caught by the cops, because letting the open road murder your enemy is still a crime in the lower 48.

But Skitchin' did it. It was Road Rash, except instead of being a motorcycle racer you were- ready for this?- A PROFESSIONAL ROLLERBLADER. And you were in a race to win, and you could beat up your opponents, but the key was this- you were racing through two way traffic and while you were "skatin'" you could "hitch'"onto the backs of cars and use them to speed in front of your opponents- hence "Skitchin'"

Sure, you had pipes and chains and baseball bats to beat the snot out of the other rollerbladers, but the real fun was staying next to them, whack them a few times with a two by four into oncoming traffic and watch them take a beige Chevy Tahoe to the noggin, sending them floating through the air only to hit a billboard and get picked up by the cops. AWE. SOME.

Halo can go fuck itself. Skitchin' was the apex of modern videogaming.

Super Car!

I made this miniature almost three years ago and pulled it off the top of my refridgerator this afternoon to finish it. And by finish it, I basically repainted it and shellacked it with dirt around the wheel wells for some texture.

I'm currently obsessed with establishing a legitimate "portfolio" of work I've created- artwork, sculpture, etc. So I've been finishing and retouching other models and miniatures and starting on a few new ones.

The picture was taken against a sheet of 49 cent posterboard from Rite Aid, using the crappy 60 watt bulb showering light all over the room. My camera makes it look pretty good. I'm happy with it and can't wait to post more.

Great Moments in American Headlines

I heard about this on Saturday and my jaw hit the floor. Here's the amazing headline from Entertainment Weekly:

"KID NATION INTRODUCES YOUNGSTERS TO JOYS OF DRINKING BLEACH"

The story that was relayed to me in the following paraphrased way:

apparently there was confusion as to what was in some bottle so a kid drank it (BLEACH) said, "Hmmm...this tastes funny" and handed it to another kid for the very adult task of getting a second opinion. "yeah," said the second, and required a third to concur.

I'm not sure what exactly was/is the outcome, because the show starts airing on Wednesday night.

I understand the concept is to get the kids to act like grownups and see if they'll create the new roman empire or start fashioning spears and hunting each other, but if I was running the show I might...relent after three kids drink bleach.

Also, did I mention that the kids are in a ghost townin the middle of New Mexico? yeah. Fucking brilliant television. I. CAN'T. WAIT.

Here is a link to a great article followed by the unbelievable trailer for Kid Nation.
Watch it, but don't be surprised if by the end you've pulled out ALL OF YOUR HAIR.

Jeff Crocker on 101 People More Normal Than You

I did a short run of drawings for Matt Gourley's summer web-art epic-

101 People More Normal Than You

Mine can be found at numbers 76-80.

But make sure to click through all of them as there are some other great guest artists, like Andy Goldblatt and Jeremy Carter.

Margaritas are the new Pinkberry

Pinkberry is out, people. Sorry.

Now, on those hot, late summer days, everyone's going out to El Torito or Acapulco's to get a sweet refreshing citrussy refreshment garnished with fresh fruit and loaded with youth-enhancing tequila cultures.

This is good news to a lot of people that A.) already know this fact, and because B.) there aren't a lot of Pinkberry's in cities that don't end in 'York' or 'Angeles.'

It's also great because you can make a delicious margarita at home, no need for some sort of fancy powder and milk and water and the crack-fucking-cocaine they put in it to make you crave more.*

All you need are some limes, some tequila, triple sec, and ice. And salt, very important not to forget the salt. Pinkberry doesn't have any sugar, but it also doesn't have salt. You lose, Pinkberry. Margaritas have a TON of salt all along the rim of the glass, so it cannot be avoided.

Spread the word. If you're coming home from the beach, why not stop and pick up a delicious maragarita from your local cantina? Does Pinkberry have a Spanish name for it's locale? I think not.

Margaritas are the new Pinkberry.





*They've amended the Wikipedia entry for Pinkberry so it now links to the page defining "Chasing the dragon."

New video for Rob Schrab - Scud @ Comic-Con!

I edited this video as part of Rob Schrab's on-going behind-the-scenes documentation of making the last issue of his comic book, "Scud: The Disposable Assassin."

It's important for a few reasons-
1.) This issue has been anticipated for ten years.
2.) The previous issue left on such a huge cliffhanger that we are all foaming at the mouth.
3.) I was a huge Scud/Schrab fan way back in the day.

It's also fun to hear Rob talking about comic books, because as long as I've known him personally, he's been making films.

The comic's going to be awesome. Watch the video and enjoy a little slice of Comic-Con!

If you want to see more you can check out Rob's website, RobSchrab.com, where he posts updates, artwork, short films, and other assorted behind the scenes fun times.

I’ll never be a hacker

There were times as a teenager that I thought it would be cool to "be a hacker"; live dangerously outside the law, in a dark room surrounded by computer equipment that is somehow ALWAYS running lines of code, and have access to all the information in the world.

TV and movies have done a great job at romanticizing the life of a hacker, even though I've never understood where the heck do hackers get the tens of thousands of dollars you need to be a hacker? You have to eat right? You have to buy all that ridiculous equipment, right? Although I guess if I was a awesome hacker, I would do that thing Edward Furlong and the kid from Salute Your Shorts do in T2 with the ATM, or I would be MacGyver style and just jerry-rig mainframes with paperclips and old TI-55 caculators.

I also know that I'll never be a hacker because I love to draw and paint and write and enjoy the sun and you get the idea.

So after reading the blog of the 17-year-old kid that unlocked the Apple iPhone from having to use AT&T, after which he traded it for a consulting job, a Nissan 350Z, and three new iPhones, I've realized that I'll never be a hacker. Which is fine, because having to download NOR files and reset firmware and reorder your bootsys* just isn't for me.

I'll be the guy in his dirty apartment making toys out of cardboard and watching Rambo First Blood Part II.





*Great t-shirt: These bootsys are made for walking (fucking ha!)

INNER DUDES!

Hey everyone!

I just finished a new short film and would love for everyone to check it out!

You can view it on my profile(I'll embed it at the bottom too.)
You can view it on YouTube
or
You can view a high res version at my website.

Feel free to comment, vote, rate, thrash, adore, and link all your friends to it. It was a blast to make and I'm excited to show it to people.

Many special thanks to everyone that helped out- Eric Price and Chris Garnaas, Alex Hanawalt, Frank Meyer and Bruce Duff, Chris Hagerthy, Ryan Meyer and Sean Meyer, Matt Gourley, DJ Paul, and Andy Goldblatt.

It doesn't stop there though, I've got a bunch of behind the scenes and making-of footage that I'll post up here in a few weeks, so drop a bookmark on this blog or subscribe to your heart's content for some hearty content!

Hope everyone is doing well and having a great summer!

Inner Dudes

Add to My Profile | More Videos

You didn’t play the Go Game, so you lose automatically

This past Sunday, I joined Hanawalt, Hanawalt 2, and Hanawalt GF, in playing The Go Game's community melee "The Menace in Venice."

You weren't there, so you lose. BIG TIME. (OK, John Russell, you were there, but you really did lose, so it doesn't matter.)

What's the Go Game? Run by Myles Nye, the QuizMaster and Challenge-BoyGenius(not to be confused with ChallengeBoy-Genius), the Go Game is described as an urban scavenger hunt, but it's really much much more than that. It wasn't started by Myles, but Myles runs the Los Angeles division (they're all over the map), and this is the second Los Angeles based community game they've had this year.

Basically, you get a computer cell phone and a digital camera, and when the starter gun fires, you start getting missions sent to your phone. Navigating the game zone, in this case, the Venice boardwalk, you complete these missions by answering questions and completing tasks. Sounds easy right? Not so fast, meanwhile, there is a watergun-toting assassin gunning for you, you're competing with twelve other teams, and you only have two hours to rack up as many points as you can.

When you reach the end destination, which is some sort of café, more points are awarded based on your "judgeable missions-" pictures and videos you take that all game participants vote on with their phone-puters.

It's a blast. Our team placed fifth out of twelve, with a total of about a hundred people in all playing the game.

Go to the Go Game website and sign up for their e-mail list about community games so when the next one comes around, you can form a team and compete with us!

Infographic

Found on Boing Boing this morning; brilliant.

Thank You Note

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I'm a big fan of yours! My name is Amanda and I'm also an actress. I used to be on basic cable, but recently crossed into mainstream feature films. I got to be in Hairspray; I love musicals!

Anyhoo, I just wanted to write a note thanking you for being such a colossal drunken, anorexic fuck-up, because as you become more and more uninsurable, which might as well be a death sentence in this industry, my agent gets more and more calls. You're such a selfless guardian angel, giving all of yourself so that me(screechy, wacky humanity) can live on. It's quite beautiful Lindsay.

I hope you're doing well in Utah. This next pratfall and adorable facial expression is for you!

Yours,
Amanda Bynes

PS- Go see my new movie, Sydney White! I have no idea what it's about, but I'm hilarious in it!

Nerding Out: Chapter 6,784,532

I've joined Twitter. Any one else on it? Or am I the only painfully nerdy, techy, widgety jackass around here. You can see my Twitter stream on my profile page and I guess it will update whenever I update it. I'd love to be able to update it from my mobile cell phone, but I think that costs me text messaging fees. Boooo...I should probably set up unlimited texting.

I don't even have an iPod. I'm such a poseur. A n00b-maxxor. Greenhorn, rookie, did I forget any?

Also joined Flickr linked my iPhoto into Flickr so I don't have to browse and upload everything, can just select in iPhoto and click on Export to Flickr and whoomp there it is! and supposedly I can post photostreams into my MySpace page...hmmm...will look into that tomorrow.

You don't care.

PS- this is a regular Saturday night for me. I do my heavy drinking on Mondays.

Accidentally on TV

A couple years ago I worked on Rob Schrab's brilliant Ch101 show Twigger's Holiday, mostly doing visual effects and playing around in a chicken mask (and an old AYSO jersey). I guess they featured his Twigger DVD on G4's Attack of the Show and one of the clips they pulled is of my geeked out face asking for my easter egg back. Pretty ridiculous, that show was amazing. It's on Channel 101 still for the uninitiated.

You can see the clips of stuff I did with Rob on the Death Cab video "Crooked Teeth" on my site Crockeronline, and you can see all 19 min of Rob's first short, Robot Bastard at RobotBastard.com.

In related news, I finished my short, "Inner Dudes." I'm really happy with the way it came out. I'll get around to posting it in a week or two. I'm busy exploring the fascinating world of film festival submissions. Wish me luck!

IndieSoft™

I open approximately three hundred thousand blank documents in Word every day. Either for general notetaking, brainstorming, rough drafting, new short stories, or whatever else I need to write about. There has to be a better way, right? I'm surprised a small software start-up in Palo Alto hasn't developed a super note taking program allowing you to align thoughts, reposition chunklets, and modify content all while continuing in a stream-of-consciousness format. But you should also be able to import, cut and paste photos, quicktime videos and MP3 files with ease.

Actually, I'm sure it exists, I just haven't found it yet.

I love indie software, as it is something that reinforces my love for the internet, and the interconnection of people that have similar interests.I remember before the internet became the fat pimpley freshman in high school it is, when shareware games would come on PC Gamer demo disks and me and my friends would load them on all our computers, taking up valuable kilobytes for jetpacking, lode running, or my personal favorite Armor Alley-ing.

[lie]But now I'm an adult and I don't play video games [/lie]

Here are my favorite and indispensable independent programs:

SLIFE – as a partially self-employed 1099ing bitch to the IRS, I require important time management to make sure that I'm only paying out my nose come April 15th. Slife is a simple program kept running in the background on my desktop and it keeps track of my program usage for the ENTIRE YEAR, as well as what I was doing with that program. I can tell you that one month ago I was working on my shot breakdown, trying to find all the Yard Gnomes in Bully, and looking up pictures of human livers on Google.

MAC THE RIPPER and MPEG STREAMCLIP – Whenever I need to rip DVDs and convert them to quicktime for…whatever…I turn to Mac the Ripper and his boy-wonder, MPEG Streamclip. Whether it's pulling clips off DVDs for my demo reel or creating a clip show, these programs are quick and efficient and incredibly easy to use. OK, MPEG Streamclip requires a little know-how, but if you know what you want, you can get it to work.

BOOXTER – I've talked about this program before, and it's sooooo awesomely nerdy. It wouldn't fall under indispensable if I wasn't such a crippling book nerd, but I love being able to keep an ALMOST useless list of my library on my computer.

iBANK – I should use this program more, but I don't. It's a great money-management program that let's you create all sorts of tags and labels for transactions helping you keep track of what types of things you're spending money on and show you how much money you have left to blow on gourmet coffee and Warren Miller DVDs.

MICROSOFT OFFICE 2004 – Ha ha. Just kidding.

TRANSMIT – The best double paned, FTP program I've found, though most of them are identical. Transmit is super easy to use with drag and drop uploading. I don't know what else to say.

NETNEWSWIRE (LITE) – For a while, when I got my new computer, I was reading feeds on Safari, as they give you a "News" pulldown menu. But I didn't know that I WASN'T reading feeds. Only until I looked into it did I realize that I was living a horrible horrible lie! Ever since I downloaded NetNewsWire Lite, my world has been BLOWN by RSS and XML feedreading. The future has arrived people. It's like e-mail news that you can completely customize. Don't like the editorials on New York Times, wish you were reading that hilarious blog about Park Slope? RSS readers let you create a constantly updating news juggernaut that delivers only the stuff you want. For instance: I used to read CNN.com for my news, now, every morning I open up NetNewsWire, and poppity poppity pop, delivers all the headlines I want from the sources I ask for- I get CNN.com headlines(I can click on the links if I want to read more(rarely)), Digg/Science, Digg/Entertainment, New Scientist headlines, a few comedy blogs I subscribe to, the latest programs from VersionTracker,Rob Schrab's vodcast, and Apple updates. Look at the top of this page and you'll see a little RSS button to click and you can instantly subscribe to this blog. Discovering RSS is like having a custom newspaper materialize in front of you. I love it.

Most of these programs are free, you don't NEED to register them(and pay a fee), but generally the "demo" versions have restrictions. I've dropped the 15-25 bucks on most of these because the full version experience is worth the nominal price.

If you want to find any of these programs, hop on VersionTracker.com, choose your operating system and then type in what you're looking for; in fact, you can just type in something that you want to exist and a bushel of programs have probably been developed for you. VersionTracker has everything you can imagine and has lots of user comments and ratings that help you choose the best program for your needs.

If anyone has any other indie programs that I should know about- by all means, I would love to download them.

My Battle With Google

Slowly, but surely, I am winning my battle against Google. The latest installment has brought my website to the first page of results on google, instead of, well, not even making the list.

I must say that this latest boost wouldn't have been accomplished were it not for the help of Jesse Dean, web nerd extraordinairre and purveyor of fine Iowanian crack-cocaine.

The other helper outter I recieved was getting a word published on Urban Dictionary, because of their wide internetwork appeal, lands my name (if you put it in quotes) in the majority of results on that first page.

But here's the problem, the Berlin I have to reach: JeffCrocker.com is not mine. It is, in fact, held by some country-folk singer in texas who hasn't updated his page in more than a year, clinching the fact that he doesn't need his website to book gigs in coffeeshops and hotel bars.

However I just learned about an amazing service called a "Drop catcher." There are a few websites that you can pay a nominal fee, who will snatch up a domain name the very instant it becomes available. You pay them $60, and between mindight and 2AM on January 1st, 2008, they will take that domain so fucking fast, IT WILL DESTROY ALL OTHER JEFF CROCKERS FOREVER AND I WILL BE THE ONE TRUE CROCKER. That domain will be mine! MINE I SAY!

In case you didn't know, it's on the front of my MySpace page, my website can be found at CrockerOnline.com. I finally threw some more comprehensive demo clips up that you can get to from the Reel page. As soon as I get my copy of the pot documentary, it'll all combine into a super-robot of a Show reel.

As for the News section, it updates with the site, but until I switch this blog over to my website, there's really nothing on there that you can't get here.

Also, the logo was designed, I think I mentioned this before, by the amazingly talented Damon Gentry. It's awesome.

That's it. I still don't have internet at my house, but I found out that if I park a house length away I can log onto something called Mount Olympus. Hmmm...

Thanks but no thanks

I just started playing God of War on PS2 and it's like a videogame of crack- so addicting. I can't stop playing it because it's so brutal and fun. Also, something I never really pay attention to in videogames, it looks amazing. The world is huge and beautiful. I'm sure a glossy magazine or two has referred to it as "immersive."

But that's beside the point- brass tacks, people- the point is that this game is filled with boobs. I mean, every female character is topless, pert, and quite buxom. Your character's wife is the only non-topless female(it may be because she gets stabbed to death repeatedly; not to be confused with stabbed repeatedly to death), but the two concubines in your bed in the second level are waggling their cleavage for the world to enjoy. The Oracle of Athens? Wearing a sheer, er, transparent veil on her nipples. Aphrodite- come on.

The problem is- I don't like it.

But wait, don't get me wrong, I love boobs. For real. I just find them unnecessary and uncomfortably distracting when I am busy dismembering Hades' legion of gorgons and minotaurs with my two flaming blades of chaos anointed by the god Apollo.

I'm enjoying slaying hydras and decapitating undead soldiers, because THAT is why I'm playing video games. Not for computer animated boobs. I appreciate the effort and attention to historical accuracy- like when medusa turns me to stone all I have to do is rapidly press the X button to break free of my stone encasement, JUST like in ancient Greece.

Thanks for the boobs, videogame, but I'm doing OK finding them on my own.

Lindsay Lohan Arrested

FROM THE AP WIRE: 07.24.07; 613 AM

In an attempt to revitalize her waning career with a film about the life of a hit singer's battle with addiction, LAPD mistakenly arrested Lindsay Lohan early Tuesday morning as she rehearsed for her role as Amy Winehouse in the female drunk-sician's biopic "It's Not an Act (Or is it?)" (Screenplay by Paul Haggis)

Lohan insisted that she was merely practicing her "method" by "getting blasted and assaulting her second assistant, just like The Winehouse." When told that this incident has never occurred in Amy Winehouse's life, Lohan insisted she was from the near, pre-apocalyptic future, before passing out on the night officer's desk.

Amy Winehouse, matron saint of holding-your-liquor-and-looking-good-doing-it, had no comment, but was sporting a particularly devilish grin before she disappeared cackling in a sulfuric cloud of Satan's breath.

New Feature: Crazy or Bluetooth?

There's this lady sitting next to me at Portfolio's that is sitting at a large table, taking up the whole thing and talking loudly to herself, having a one-sided coversation. Her cell phone is closed and on the table, but her hair is so big that I can't see if there is a Bluetooth headset on. She's either tech-savvy or bat-shit crazy.

At the table next to her is a large family(?), a man and a woman and five kids all eating muffins and pastries (one of them looked up at his mom and whined, "Where's my scoooooonnnnneeee?"). The oldest of the kids, a girl about 6 or 7, has been staring wide-eyed at the possibly KooKooRoo, possibly BluBluToo woman talking about moving in with a psychopath and why "you shouldn't trust your brother."

PSAA (Public Steve Agee Announcement)

Ten months ago, Steve Agee (of the Sarah Silverman Program) asked me via MySpace to make an animation for his Public Service Announcements and then ten minutes after sending me the message, DELETED his account.

Seven months later I finally got around to making the animation and then a couple weeks ago, they started putting them up on SUPERDELUXE.COM.

If you clik on that link, it will take you to the home page where there is a banner for Steve Agee's PSA of the Day. Please enjoy responsibly, my little animation is right at the end of every PSA. Pretty cool.

Oh wait! I can post it on my page-


Here is a link to Steve Agee's profile on SuperDeluxe where all the PSA's are as well as a bunch of other stuff Steve has done.

And stay tuned for the second season of The Sarah Silverman Program starting in the fall on Comedy Central! Huzzah!

Recharged and refried

My girlfriend took me to Mexico for our fifth anniversary the last two days. It was incredible and awesome and totally refreshing, if not ridiculously excessive in every consumable way. I was so excited about everything happening and the Mexican guy singing romantical Mexican guitar songs interspersed with Dust in the Wind and a muy caliente Stairway to Heaven, that I ate myself to near-death.

We got back yesterday after spending two hours at the "other" border crossing ignoring children standing on other children juggling, and everything else crazy that goes on in Tijuana.

This trip came hot on the heels of our little excursion to mutha-fucking Rosemead to Bahooka(full name: Bahooka Ribs and Grog), the greatest GD restaurant in the history of liver-damaging, Type-II diabetes inducing, tiki-themed restaurants.

What is the first thing we ordered? A BOWL OF VODKA. with some assorted tropical juices infused somewhere.

But I bet you're wondering, "Was it on fire?" FUCKING YES IT WAS.

From there it was a parade of fried fish and meaty ribs piled in front of us in a never ending assault on our cholesterol levels. I believe, if I remember, I ordered the Captain's Combo. Apparently the Captain likes fried shrimp sandwiched between fried fish, with a side of something called "Crab Puffs" which is just fried imitation crab meat. My girlfriend ordered Steak with a side of fried shrimp…or was it fried shrimp with a side of steak? THERE IS NO WAY TO KNOW.

Also, did I mention that every single space unoccupied with fried food or humans is occupied with aquariums filled with crazy enormous tropical fish and turtles? Yeah. Including an obedient 31 year old fish named Rufus, about the size of a one year old baby, who eats raw carrots.

Highly recommended for those without serious heart disease concerns.

Anyhow, now I'm back in Long Beach, not drinking a bowl of vodka, thinking about entering National novel Writing Month in November and trying desperately to finish my latest short film by this weekend. A year in the making, I'm ready to have this shit complete! Have a great week people, be careful out there. [CHiPs theme

Take a Picture, It'll Last Longer

IMDB is a bastion of hope and data on the wide world of the internet. It's also a festering hotbed of wrong information.

The news section is constantly filled with poor rumors and facts that are closer to hearsay. Updating a profile, while super-easy, results in so many mistakes it's mind blowing. It took me a few years to get the Jeff Crocker that worked on Britney Spears Live off my credit list. Shortly after, I became a research assistant for "Fog of War."

What has always confused me is that the other Jeff Crocker's don't seem to care that they aren't getting their own credits on the right Jeff Crocker page. If I didn't care so much, I would just leave all the extra credits on my own page...

...which brings me to this golden beacon of awesomeness-



I checked my IMDB profile the other day when I was linking to it from my own website, CrockerOnline, and I have apparently been credited for running sound on "Dogs with Jobs!" the Tiny Service Dogs episode. I don't have anything to update on my IMDB profile, and my internet is still down at my house, so I'm just going to leave that credit up until the fourth Jeff Crocker decides he wants his own profile page. I figure it can't be completely detrimental to any future job leads if they see that I worked with Peek: the Tiny Service Dog.

Bonus Material

It seems to be just as much work to prepare for bonus materials on a DVD than it is to prepare a film for a DVD. On this point I really commend the people behind those Lord of the Rings DVDs and the newer retrospective collections (Bond, Indiana Jones, etc) because they are so packed full of extra bonus special material features it's mind boggling.

For instance, it baffles me that they are STILL coming out with new behind the scenes of Star Wars books. More pictures show up, more production art, more storyboard sketches, more Behind the scenes footage. Is it fake? Is George Lucas just making ILM fabricate old-timey looking footage of Star Wars using anti-aging, re-bearding computer graphics? Aren't they running out of pictures to publish?

Apparently not- Garnaas came over and mentioned that someone at his workshop came into work with pictures from the Star Wars wrap party. The 1977 Star Wars wrap party. And it occured to me that certain cultural apexes will never diminish. The stuff that was produced, unearthed, and saved for that production THIRTY YEARS AGO has set the standard for what people are trying to accomplish now with millions of dollars.

I love behind the scenes documentaries, but they rarely actually show you what it's like on a set or what is really going on behind the scenes. As a filmlover and a filmmaker, some of my favorite aspects of filmmaking are the on-your-feet, seat-of-your-pants problem solving. Yet it feels like the ego of directors or producers say, "We can't show us fucking up. We can only show the stuff that worked really well." But it's always the sort of duct tape kind of stuff that's exceptionally clever and ingenius. That's the stuff that we like to see.

Going back to Star Wars, I've never seen all the featurettes and documentaries, endless though they are, but I know this: even for as much Star Wars stuff exists, they've never bored you or revealed the ALL the magic behind the production. Those Lord of the Rings mini-docs make you bored because they talk about being in New Zealand for three to five years working and working and it's cool and all, but you get tired for the people that were there.

I'm shooting this short and I want to package a DVD with a bunch of extra features, but I'm realizing that those bonus materials are such a full-time job, it's mind blowing.

What are your suggestions for special features? What are your favorite special features or behind the scenes docs or commentaries on DVDs?

Broken Internet

My internet at home doesn't work right now so I've been living at the coffee shop by my house for the last three days.

Also, I had a great pictorial blog all ready about my messy apartment, but I cleaned my apartment up, ruining this vermillion flash of Goddardian(Star Wars character or French New Wave filmmaker) inspiration.

Also, I've written like, forty blogs and haven't posted any of them, but of course, ironically, one of the unposted ones starts like this-

"Dear Readers, I have decided to deprive you of my blog."

So now I'm posting .... this?

Ugh. I need another mini-cheesecake.

No pix!

I wanted to take pictures of the shoot Saturday (I like behind-the-scenes stuff) but didn't because we were all working. It was fun and fast. I digitized the footage yesterday and set up the Final Cut project. If I can pull off the effects, it'll be pretty exciting and way beyond anything I've ever done before.

Also worked on painting one of my miniature sets that I'm just about ready to shoot; few more coats of "goo" and "cheese" and I'll be ready. There's about three or four miniature sets that have to be shot total and this one is the almost ready.

Last night I took a break from editing work and went to see Pirates 3. Besides being one of the worst movie going experiences of my entire life, the movie was good, lots of fun and excitement. My only beef would be that the plot was too complicated for it's own good. Lots of red herrings(?) or double crosses(?), but in the end, everyone was who you expected them to be, and the movie concluded with an amazing battle and exciting climax.

I need to go plan out my week.

Ready to Rock!

Shooting tomorrow!

I haven't shot anything in a year, of my own devising, since Robot Butler, and I'm excited to get into this short with my new High Def camera. Also, I'm making tons of models and miniature sets too which are looking aces.

I'm also excited about following this one up with a nice DVD to distribute and hopefully I'll have a bunch of extras to add. Huzzah!

I'll try and (take and) post pictures from the (first leg of) shoot next week.

Lots to do! Overwhelmed! Broke! Excited! Sinking! Swimming! Star Wars!

Open Letter to the Intelligent Alien Life That Finds Our Planet After Mankind's Destruction

Dear Intelligent Life Exploratory Committee,

Welcome to Earth! As you can see, we human beings have successfully and irresponsibly destroyed the entirety of our civilization leaving nary a male or female component to procreate and repopulate our species. As we used to say at the apex of our civilization, "Shit happens."

Anyways, feel free to look around and glean what you can from the skeletal remains of our technologically advanced culture. However, it could take years and years and years to figure our society out by looking at all our remains; your alien archaeologists could spend decades trying to make sense of all our material and amoral society, so to ease the scientific process, I've created this indestructible vault and placed in it the most valuable items to help you understand who we humans were and how we worked.

Unpacking the box marked "Open Me First," you will find an indispensable staple of our highly-evolved civilization- A TV with integrated VCR. Sorry, but I was probably holding the remote when my body disintegrated in the nuclear holocaust.

The box marked "Open Me Second," has the other items I have left for you- 600 used VHS tapes from the years 1973 – 1997, the golden age of our supreme high culture.

While it shouldn't take more than 4 Earth months to watch all the videos, which encompass an exceedingly broad spectrum of human emotions and events, I've chosen a few to highlight and expand upon:

VHS #528- Smokey and the Bandit(1977) – Legendary comedian Burt Reynolds and his trademark moustache star in this high-speed, country fueled, 200 horsepower movie set in the American south. While it may seem like a ridiculous movie based on a silly premise, this film shows what Mankind will do for the single most important substance of our civilization- beer. You will notice that many movies include obscene quantities of this substance, as you will also see it's effect on modifying our bodies (Beer Goggles, Beer Belly, Beer Foot).

VHS #005 – A View to a Kill(1985) – While actor Roger Moore plays noted British Spy James Bond, that's not the importance of this movie; what's important is that a 58-year-old(also known as, one foot in the grave) man can do the things he does in this movie including have sex with Grace fucking Jones. I hope your alien species doesn't have a weak stomach-type thing. Also, this movie is 100% factual truth.

VHS #291 – Titanic (1997) – This is the greatest film that has ever been made. The pinnacle of artistic integrity, performance, and vision.

VHS #075 – Weekend at Bernie's (1989) – I hope you're taking notes, gentleman, because you could learn a lot about how humans deal with bizarre and taxing circumstances from this dramatic masterpiece. When forced to deal with his boss's death, Johnathan Silverman must summon the courage to attend multiple social gatherings all the while trying to portray his boss as animated(latin for "full of life"). It should be noted that Johnathan Silverman was overlooked for any achievement award for this brilliant performance. Pay close to attention as he is a nuanced actor, and his emotions sweep the gamut of all humankind has to offer.

The rest of the VHS tapes offer up a broad spectrum to dissect and analyze and when you are done, you'll be able to quite accurately examine how it is our species vaporized much of what had been accomplished.

Good Luck with the rest of the universe and Happy Viewing!

Posthumously your friend,
Jeffrey Alan Crocker

PS- You may have to adjust the tracking on each video as the TV/VCR was in my closet for a few years before I sealed it in the vault.




Friends: What other VHS tapes should I put in the vault? (Besides Red Dawn, a factual documentary about World War III)

Shoot, Score!

Last night, Andy Goldblatt, Chris Tallman, Matt Young, Ryan Smith, Jen Bascom, and Mark McConville, representing ComedySportz Los Angeles, won the Los Angeles Improv Fest's Harold* Competition. Andy promptly took off for Las Vegas to bet all her winnings on black 23. The show was great and everyone rocked it out to defeat Improv Olympic - Chicago. Great work and congratulations all around.

When the show let out, the audience spilling onto Hollywood Blvd., the air was filled with the sweetest smell imaginable- the greasy, sketchy, street hot dog vendor. The guy had parked himself directly in front of Improv Olympic, a comedy club, and Star Shoes, a night club, and was raking it in. For every hungry comedian that had just finised performing, was three rail-thin, twiggy, heavily made-up, skimpily-dressed, totally-sloshed hussie that wanted a hot dog with the works after a hard night of screaming over the pounding bass and overpriced cocktails.

But I wonder how lucrative the street dog vendor business is, especially with a constant built in market like Hollywood Blvd? Do you think the scientologists working late at the L. Ron Hubbard Life Experience get out of work and go, "FUCK! I'm hungry for something delicious and greasy, but I don't want to wait in the line at Pink's."
And the other Scientologist says, "Yeah. If only there were a roving wagon with a built in propane grill that could satiate this late night dog desire."
"LOOK! Over there at Hollywood and Vine!"
"It's our every dream come true, save for becoming a level 19 Free Thetan Warrior with enchanted Sword of Werewolf Bone!"
"Let's get our chiggity-chow on! Woot!**"
"But we can't get kethcup or grilled onions and relish on our pristinely pressed attire, lest we look shabby for Master Travolta."
"Indubitably."
"Let's get ours wrapped in bacon!"

And now I'm hungry...






* Kind of hard to explain, but a "Harold" is a type of long form improv piece which consists of a group brainstorming on a suggestion, three scenes, another brainstorm/group activity, and then revisting the three scenes. When done wrong it can be torture, when done right it's OK.

** It's quite common for Female Scientologists to exclaim 'Woot' when having a brilliant idea for a nosh.

Two Truths, One Lie

On our way back to LA from Silicon Valley, we were volleying back and forth with Two truths and a lie in which you tell two things about yourself that are true and one that is a lie and the other person (who you may or may not have been dating for five years) has to figure out which is the lie. You'd think this game would be easy for two people that have been intimate for so long, but you'd be surprised at how much you DON'T share with your significant other about things like "junior high," "ex's weird eating habits," and "concussions I have incurred."

Here's a fun one: Majors I seriously, for realsies considered during college.

A- Marine Biology
B- Archaeology
C- Anthropology

Some more backstory- I went INTO college knowing I was going to major in film and I left college with a degree in English: Creative Writing. Because the film major was impacted, by the time I had taken one film class, I had already done most of the course work for the English major. I was making movies all the time as well, so I just stuck with the English major since I was having a blast writing all the time(and there weren't any real finals).

Remember, only ONE is a lie.

Let's look a little more carefully- Marine biology would suit me because I love the ocean and Cal State Long Beach has an excellent marine biology department, at least that's what they tout. However, it's a serious, hardcore research science and do you really think I'd be into that?

Archaeology, besides any reference to Indiana Jones, is interesting if you're studying interesting things, plus it's a little like treasure hunting but instead of hunting for money, you're hunting for research; Research don't pay my DSL bill, ladies.

Anthropology is awesome because it's the study of all humanity from forever and one can focus on anything from any time. Also, there are such things as Armchair Anthropologists which you get to be when you're an old guy sitting in a HUGE leather chair, just spouting ridiculous claims that you formulate from sitting around smoking pipes and reading all day.

The lie in there is Anthropology. I never gave a shit about anthropology. Never took an Anthro class. Even though I never took a marine biology class, after I took biology(at a beach school, it might as well have been marine biology) I was seriously considering being the world's foremost authority on sea monsters and creatures of the deep, how fucking rad if THAT was on my business card.

And archaeology- I took an archaeology class from this 25 year old guy when I was a freshman on a whim because, why not, right? It was AWESOME. It was a simple, straight-forward class that I'm pretty sure I got an 'A' in, but it was the little things, the grains of complete honesty that would slip out that made me consider it. For instance, he kept referring to bribing park rangers with cases of beer because "trust me, when you're out on a dig, you'll have plenty of beer." After the second to last class I approached him about what it was to be an archaeology major and he almost convinced me.

(I'm trying to find out what his name was, but I can't find it. All I keep finding is articles about CSULB archaeology students going to dig on Easter Island, which is making me really wish I had changed majors.)

So there are my two truths and a lie.

The concussion story is pretty awesome, too.

Abnormal blog posting

Readers of this blog know that I don't post YouTube clips often, so you can imagine that when I do, it's fucking important.

This is very very important.

OK. First of all, it's called BATTLE AT KRUGER. Perhaps you've already seen it, while I'm tech-savvy, I don't necessarily keep up with every YouTube top video.

THIS IS THE TOPPEST VIDEO THAT HAS EVER TOPPED ANYTHING EVER. (Hyperbole like that doesn't come around often.)

Pride of lions? Check.
Water buffalo? Check.
A fucking crocodile? Check.
8 minutes of an all-out, balls-to-the-wall, animal battle royal in the African savannah, complete with surprise reversals, suplexes, and gang wars? FUCK YES.

EIGHT. MINUTES. OF. FUCK YES.

Trouble in Hawleywood

From 5.25.07

Here's the set-up: I get my hair cut at Hawleywood's Barber Shop & Shaving Parlor on 4th St. in Long Beach. 4th Street has a nice row of vintage clothing and furniture shops, and Hawleywood's fits right in there. Like all good barbershops, they've got five chairs and only use three of them at any one time. The first time I went in there was in their first week of opening; I got a great cut(and a shave) and have gone back every time.

The first time I went in, I was a walk-in appointment and a real slick, cool dude named Caesar cut my hair. Yesterday I made an appointment for 11 AM with Caesar, looking forward to the experience as always. It's nice to be able to look forward to a haircut, right? I think so.

Sooooo…today at quarter til 11, I walk down the street to Hawleywood's, round the corner into the shop and see that it's dark and closed. I could have sworn they open at 9 AM on weekdays. The shop faces a vintage clothing store and I see one of the barbers in there fucking around with the cute owner girl, and I notice there are a few other dudes just hanging out on the sidewalk.

"Are you guys open?" I ask.
"Yeah we're open! We just need the keys to get in!" Omar turns to another greaser that works there, "Man, when Caesar gets here I'm going to knock his teeth out."
"Who's going to cut my hair then?"
"Are you his 9 AM appointment?"
"No, I'm 11."
Another guy from the sidewalk pipes up, "I'm his nine o'clock."
Omar points to the biker that just pulled up, "Are you here for Caesar?"
"Naw, I'm here for you."
"Motherfucker. I could've cut all of your hair by now!"

After another ten minutes mostly fucking with the girl in the vintage shop and her husband(?) who is unloading his van, one of the other tattooed barbers shows up with his boxer puppy and the keys to the shop. Let's get this cut-show on the barber-road!

The tattooed puppy guy, who introduces himself as Justin, is nice enough to stay and cut my hair, while Omar takes care of Caesar's 9 AM appointment. I'm happy because I'm getting a nice haircut, and while I like Caesar, reliability is nice in a barber too.

While Justin was cutting my hair, Omar was railing on their intern(yes, they have an intern) to keep calling Caesar and find out where he is so they can knock his teeth out, all the while figuring out diabolical pranks to play on him like leaving all his barber equipment out on the sidewalk or "putting powder in his blow dryer."

"Wait a second," I said. "Isn't THAT punishing the customer?"
"Yeah, but then the customer will get up and knock Caesar's teeth out!"
Everyone laughs….and so do I.

I got a great haircut from Justin, who also gave me a comb and a sticker(SWAG!). Sure, my ex-regular barber didn't show up and they locked themselves out of the barbershop for two hours, but I'm still going back, if only to see the blood and teeth sprayed across the sidewalk out front.

Down in History

My girlfriend is a legend.

She has joined the ranks of a few that will affect millions and millions of people for years to come. These people all live in southern California so if you don't understand what is going on- that's why.

On Monday, my girlfriend got to say the words that have rung in the ears of everyone living in southern California-

"Adee do!"

That's right, the words that you'll hear during commercial breaks from The Price is Right when you're home sick from school watching daytime television.

In Los Angeles area regional commercials there are only a few celebrities and Adee Do is one of them. My girlfriend could only be more famous if she was saying, "Larry Parker got me 2.1 million." Or if she changed her name to DeVry.

But there's more- apparently one of the producers of the commercial was none other than Jack Fucking Stephan. Not Jack Stephanovich, not Jack Stephanino, not Jack Stephonsky- Stephan, Jack Stephan.

She's going down in a very noble history that many have not forgotten to this day. We all remember the jingles and taglines to the regional commercials in our area (I believe that TAP plastics is a big one in northern California), so you can imagine my jaw hitting the floor when she told me that she was doing an Adee Do commercial.

My girlfriend is now a legend.

Can't concentrate

I haven't been able to concentrate or focus for the last two days. I mean, I've been getting a ton of stuff done, but every time I sit down in front of my computer, to write or blog, or just do something, I can't...do anything. It's starting to get furstrating.

I've been sitting in Portfolio's for an hour now just not getting anything done. I've tried to start a blog four times and each time it gets bogged down in stupid philosophy and ego-driven self-aggrandizement.

My girlfriend and I went to a special screening of Repo Man at UCLA last night. Really really really really still as unbelievable as the first time you see it. That movie fucking rules. And it's intimidating as all get-out that it was writer/director Alex Cox's first feature.

I know I have a bunch of unfinished blogs to...well...finish and post, but I can't get to it. I think I need to leave the coffee shop and go get some shit done and that should motivate me to buckle down and move on a bunch of other "action items!"

I think I'm really due for a vacation. And going to the PVP ComedySportz alumni match tonight DOES NOT count. I've been thinking/hearing about Portland. If anyone has any good stories or reccs about Portland in the summer, by all means, drop me a message.

Alright, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

"The lights are going dim, Otto. I know a life of crime has led me to this sorry fate, and yet, I blame society. Society made me what I am. "

"That's bullshit. You're a white suburban punk just like me."

Week 2

Production is finis on BOHICA. The second week wasn't the smooth, downhill ride we all wanted, but it didn't get really hard until the last three days, which were nights, sunset to sunrise. The last day being an epic thirty hour day from when I woke up, went to Ryan "Dean's Award" Meyer's LMU graduation, then worked straight through the night until 11 AM yesterday.

The entire shoot went well and it has been pretty rewarding working with the cast and crew. I'm excited to follow it through post and see how it all turns out. I learned a lot on this show as well as made a lot of mistakes, but that's part of the job.

Some highlights of the week are included in the pictures below, taken by myself and Hanawalt. (There are a lot of pictures of me, so I'm apologize for my vanity, but this is my blog. ) I'll probably file a proper production journal later this week.

Enjoy!


Art Department

My forehead and a dead soldier.

Megan "Medic" Kellie

Another pic of our highly skilled redheaded set medic

Clearly I'm giving a shit about something here…

Cast photo. From left, standing: Adam Rodriguez, Kevin Weisman, Josh or Taylor, Nick Gonzalez, Matthew Del Negro, Jaime McAdams, Megan Kellie, Tom Wright, Taylor or Josh, The Set Detective Dave Greenfield; kneeling: Director DJ Paul, Brenden Sexton III

A beautiful shot of basecamp(foreground) and set(background) at dusk. Photo by Hanawalt.

A reversal- from set looking West at sundown.

Wardrobe shenanigans around the bonfire.

If our 20-year old Props Assistant doesn't glue the undermounted M203 grenade launcher to our weapons, who will?

Wherever there is a fire, Fireman Crocker will be there to put that shit out!

Matching make-up from scene to scene.

At some point I had to transcribe handwritten notes for "mortars" and "flares."

The view from Video Village.

Hunter and I were enlisted as honorary grips during the windstorm(oh, I'm sorry, wind ADVISORY) that almost shut us down for three hours.

"Remember that time we took made a movie during a windstorm?" "…sigh…"

"Are those two a-holes still out in the wind?" "Maybe someone should tell them it's really warm in the make-up trailer."

Speaking of make-up, on our last night, I had Rebecca give me a black eye and Nick, one of the actors, and I made up a story about him socking me…

…the funniest part was, not too many people fell for it, but DJ, the director, saw it and when I told him the story, was about to kick the shit out of Nick!

Anyhow, there you go. If I find or get any more pictures I'll post them up. Thanks for taking the time to look at this and if you still haven't subscribed to my blog- you should get on that shit!