No one is safe from me.

I don't watch too much TV, but I try not to miss an episode of the Amazing Race. If you aren't watching this show, you have no idea what you're missing out on.

For those that just watched the finale to Season 7, you know as I do how awesome this show can be. Finger-biting, hair-ripping, edge-of-your-seat frustration. Some of the choices people make are just baffling.

I've always thought about what would happen if I was to go on The Amazing Race. First of all, I would have to have a team member. Would I want to take my girlfriend? My mom or dad? My sister? My best friend? You never know if traveling with that person is going to help or hurt a pre-existing relationship. There is usually at least one relationship that crumbles during the course of the race. Most of them are "strengthened," supposedly, but I have my doubts about that. Personally, I would want to bring the strongest mother-fucker that I know, because the odds that you are going to be doing something physically demanding are greater than something more brainy.

And what about the language barrier? I would need to brush up on my Turkish probably, and Chinese, and maybe Japanese. They also inevitably give you a task that involves eating gross or spicy food, so i would need to eat a lot of feces in preparation. I validate eating poop because, obviously, if you can eat poop, you can eat anything else. right? RIGHT?!

Then there is going to be the inevitable task where you ride a horse/camel/llama, drive a column-shift transmission, or a double-decker bus. I'll need to brush up on my motor vehicle knowledge and local traffic laws in every country.

In fact, maybe I'll just hire a ridiculously strong butler to carry me everywhere on the race. And he will only wear a tuxedo the entire length of the race. And he will never talk because I cut out his tongue when I rescued him from cannibals. He owes his life to me and he  will never forget because I have seared my brand into his skin.

If anyone tries to beat us during the race, I will have my faithful servant break their legs, or pluck out their eyes, or cut off their hands. If that kiwi Phil Koegan tries to tell us we are not allowed to do that, he will find that his kids are being held hostage by my specially trianed SWAT team back in the states. NO ONE IS SAFE.

They will have no choice but to immediately award me the one million dollar prize, or I will tear the world apart one city at a time! You cannot defeat me! I tower above you all! Bow to me you peons and grunts! You are not worthy of my god-like presence!

NYAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!