Stories I hear in the alley behind my house

I went to a movie alone tonight, which I like to do from time to time. Partly because I like going to see movies and partly because I can't find anyone else to go with me to the movies I like to see. I went to see "Lord of War" starring Nicholas Cage as an arms dealer. It was a pretty good movie that reminded me a lot of "Goodfellas" with West African nations and Ian Holm, instead of the Mob and Paul Sorvino. When I got home, everything was really quiet, including the myriad buzzing insects that normally make base camp on my front step. I swatted a few tiny moths away while I groped for my keys, which conveniently go spelunking into the dark nether regions of my jeans. I unlocked the front door and instead of the usual vinyl darkness that covers my eyes, there was light flooding through my kitchen window, which only means one thing- something is happening in the alley behind my house. If something is happening behind my house it is cause for immediate celebration, because this has ranged from a hobo creating a cardboard mansion, to two teenagers fucking like there is no tomorrow in the back of a mustang convertible. Often times it's the neighborhood boys listening to hip-hop and lifting weights. Another time, at about 3 AM there were a bunch of guys standing in a circle- I swear this is true- having a "fight club" until my neighbor called the cops. Tonight I come home and two men are having a loud conversation about, well, paint I guess. That's what they started talking about. Painting metal surfaces and grinding down metallic surfaces and sucking the paint off, I don't know, it was hard to understand since I came in right in the middle of their conversation. The man in the white sweatshirt, with the squeaky southern drawl reserved for MadTV stereotypes, was patting himself on the back for a great job of grinding paint off of something. "Just about halfway through," he squeaked, "The heat from the motor started melting the paint cause of the metal surface heating up, and we had to stop and let the sumbitch cool down. But goddamn if we didn't get the whole job done in a day!" Hi partner, who I could never decipher a word or a face, mumbled a question. And this is where things took a slight downward turn. "Oh yeah," Squeaky continued, "Did I ever tell you about the time I was working at Southwest?" Mumbles responds with an affirmative, but thank god that didn't stop White Sweatshirt from telling the story anyways: "You know you're down there on the tarmac and you're looking up at this HUGE white plane going, 'mutherfucker!' Well, I was down there working the blocks and these Southwest airline pilots have their heads so far up there asses they aint payin' attention to any goddamn one of us on the ground. This plane here is goin' in to be cleaned up for the weekend and we're already behind schedule, and I'm down there waiting for the plane to stop rolling so I can get these huge wooden blocks under the wheels. The guy at the front of the plane is giving me the signal to be ready, and I'm waiting there ready with the blocks and as soon's the plane stops we get those blocks under the wheels and I start yelling to the guy up front we're good. But the guy up front is motioning to the pilots to stop right there and they feel as though they need another two goddamn feet! So they start rolling forward and I can HEAR the wood cracking on these blocks. So I grab my partner and we are just screaming at them to stop, and those idiots are up there wondering what's holding up the wheels, so I guess they give it a little more gas, and KABOOM! Those blocks shatter, giving the plane and ALL IT'S PASSENGERS a nice little jump! And I'm like, JESUS! Where'd you get these guys!" And they both laugh.

Was Rodney King right?

My friend Matt is an aficionado of the Trinity Broadcasting Network. Matt and his friends can often be found getting stoned and tuning in to the TBN and getting a good hearty laugh at the expense of many god-fearing citizens. One thing that Matt has observed through his years of watching Benny Hinn and Jim Bakker and company, is that these fundamentalist Christians live comfortably in a world that is approximately twenty years in the past. If you were to tune in to TBN at this exact instant, you would see side pony-tails, fluorescent parachute pants, and slap-wraps. Women would have on oversized sweaters and have a perm, while men are sporting pastel sweaters and neatly parted hair. Matt's stoned thesis doesn't need much research to prove(just the resolve), but my point is that I came across a brilliant piece of evidence to support is theory. On my way home, I passed a church advertising Sunday's sermon as: "Was Rodney King right?" I swear that is not a joke. Seriously- "Was Rodney King right?" It's one thing to get high and laugh at someone's shitty TV graphics and silly outdated fashion and hairstyles, but these people are living THIRTEEN YEARS in the past! FOR REAL. Has the Catholic Church been debating Rodney King's infamous "Can't we all just get along" for thirteen years? Did I miss some recent revelation in the Rodney King trial last week? Did God grant them a time-machine after all that praying? I can only imagine what the future holds for this congregation. Some highlights are bound to include: 1993- David Koresh's Waco, Texas Branch-Davidians compound is raided by the federal government; next year, in 2006, Christians will applaud the federal government's treatment of this "filthy liberal godless cult" and help raise funds for (ironically) President Bush's re-election. Chrisitans will also suddenly realize what the jokes about Janet reno on Saturday Night Live reruns are all about. 1995- Oklahoma City Bombing; in 2008 there will be many candlelight vigils in honor of the victims of this horrifying domestic terrorist action. 1997- Scientists clone sheep; in 2010, while the rest of us send our cloned doppelgangers to war with aliens, the fundamentalist christians will be appalled that science would disgrace the will of god and the desecration of the human soul. 1999- Columbine School attack; In April of 2012, Christians will be witness to a horrifying act of youth terrorism and raise hundreds of dollars for the victim's families and surviving alumni of Columbine high school. The recipients of these funds will be momentairly confused by this gracious donation to an old incident, but then shrug it off and buy another flying car. As you can see, there are going to be future repercussions(if you'll pardon the pun), for the Trinity Broadcast Network and other fundamentalist christian organizations. Their lack of timely coverage on current events will help them gather awkward stares and whispered sarcasm for decades, until they fall so far behind the rest of the world's nature they have to move into the BioDome. Luckily for them, no one has cared about the BioDome since 1993, so they will be right at home.