Thanks but no thanks

I just started playing God of War on PS2 and it's like a videogame of crack- so addicting. I can't stop playing it because it's so brutal and fun. Also, something I never really pay attention to in videogames, it looks amazing. The world is huge and beautiful. I'm sure a glossy magazine or two has referred to it as "immersive."

But that's beside the point- brass tacks, people- the point is that this game is filled with boobs. I mean, every female character is topless, pert, and quite buxom. Your character's wife is the only non-topless female(it may be because she gets stabbed to death repeatedly; not to be confused with stabbed repeatedly to death), but the two concubines in your bed in the second level are waggling their cleavage for the world to enjoy. The Oracle of Athens? Wearing a sheer, er, transparent veil on her nipples. Aphrodite- come on.

The problem is- I don't like it.

But wait, don't get me wrong, I love boobs. For real. I just find them unnecessary and uncomfortably distracting when I am busy dismembering Hades' legion of gorgons and minotaurs with my two flaming blades of chaos anointed by the god Apollo.

I'm enjoying slaying hydras and decapitating undead soldiers, because THAT is why I'm playing video games. Not for computer animated boobs. I appreciate the effort and attention to historical accuracy- like when medusa turns me to stone all I have to do is rapidly press the X button to break free of my stone encasement, JUST like in ancient Greece.

Thanks for the boobs, videogame, but I'm doing OK finding them on my own.

Lindsay Lohan Arrested

FROM THE AP WIRE: 07.24.07; 613 AM

In an attempt to revitalize her waning career with a film about the life of a hit singer's battle with addiction, LAPD mistakenly arrested Lindsay Lohan early Tuesday morning as she rehearsed for her role as Amy Winehouse in the female drunk-sician's biopic "It's Not an Act (Or is it?)" (Screenplay by Paul Haggis)

Lohan insisted that she was merely practicing her "method" by "getting blasted and assaulting her second assistant, just like The Winehouse." When told that this incident has never occurred in Amy Winehouse's life, Lohan insisted she was from the near, pre-apocalyptic future, before passing out on the night officer's desk.

Amy Winehouse, matron saint of holding-your-liquor-and-looking-good-doing-it, had no comment, but was sporting a particularly devilish grin before she disappeared cackling in a sulfuric cloud of Satan's breath.

New Feature: Crazy or Bluetooth?

There's this lady sitting next to me at Portfolio's that is sitting at a large table, taking up the whole thing and talking loudly to herself, having a one-sided coversation. Her cell phone is closed and on the table, but her hair is so big that I can't see if there is a Bluetooth headset on. She's either tech-savvy or bat-shit crazy.

At the table next to her is a large family(?), a man and a woman and five kids all eating muffins and pastries (one of them looked up at his mom and whined, "Where's my scoooooonnnnneeee?"). The oldest of the kids, a girl about 6 or 7, has been staring wide-eyed at the possibly KooKooRoo, possibly BluBluToo woman talking about moving in with a psychopath and why "you shouldn't trust your brother."

PSAA (Public Steve Agee Announcement)

Ten months ago, Steve Agee (of the Sarah Silverman Program) asked me via MySpace to make an animation for his Public Service Announcements and then ten minutes after sending me the message, DELETED his account.

Seven months later I finally got around to making the animation and then a couple weeks ago, they started putting them up on SUPERDELUXE.COM.

If you clik on that link, it will take you to the home page where there is a banner for Steve Agee's PSA of the Day. Please enjoy responsibly, my little animation is right at the end of every PSA. Pretty cool.

Oh wait! I can post it on my page-


Here is a link to Steve Agee's profile on SuperDeluxe where all the PSA's are as well as a bunch of other stuff Steve has done.

And stay tuned for the second season of The Sarah Silverman Program starting in the fall on Comedy Central! Huzzah!

Recharged and refried

My girlfriend took me to Mexico for our fifth anniversary the last two days. It was incredible and awesome and totally refreshing, if not ridiculously excessive in every consumable way. I was so excited about everything happening and the Mexican guy singing romantical Mexican guitar songs interspersed with Dust in the Wind and a muy caliente Stairway to Heaven, that I ate myself to near-death.

We got back yesterday after spending two hours at the "other" border crossing ignoring children standing on other children juggling, and everything else crazy that goes on in Tijuana.

This trip came hot on the heels of our little excursion to mutha-fucking Rosemead to Bahooka(full name: Bahooka Ribs and Grog), the greatest GD restaurant in the history of liver-damaging, Type-II diabetes inducing, tiki-themed restaurants.

What is the first thing we ordered? A BOWL OF VODKA. with some assorted tropical juices infused somewhere.

But I bet you're wondering, "Was it on fire?" FUCKING YES IT WAS.

From there it was a parade of fried fish and meaty ribs piled in front of us in a never ending assault on our cholesterol levels. I believe, if I remember, I ordered the Captain's Combo. Apparently the Captain likes fried shrimp sandwiched between fried fish, with a side of something called "Crab Puffs" which is just fried imitation crab meat. My girlfriend ordered Steak with a side of fried shrimp…or was it fried shrimp with a side of steak? THERE IS NO WAY TO KNOW.

Also, did I mention that every single space unoccupied with fried food or humans is occupied with aquariums filled with crazy enormous tropical fish and turtles? Yeah. Including an obedient 31 year old fish named Rufus, about the size of a one year old baby, who eats raw carrots.

Highly recommended for those without serious heart disease concerns.

Anyhow, now I'm back in Long Beach, not drinking a bowl of vodka, thinking about entering National novel Writing Month in November and trying desperately to finish my latest short film by this weekend. A year in the making, I'm ready to have this shit complete! Have a great week people, be careful out there. [CHiPs theme

Take a Picture, It'll Last Longer

IMDB is a bastion of hope and data on the wide world of the internet. It's also a festering hotbed of wrong information.

The news section is constantly filled with poor rumors and facts that are closer to hearsay. Updating a profile, while super-easy, results in so many mistakes it's mind blowing. It took me a few years to get the Jeff Crocker that worked on Britney Spears Live off my credit list. Shortly after, I became a research assistant for "Fog of War."

What has always confused me is that the other Jeff Crocker's don't seem to care that they aren't getting their own credits on the right Jeff Crocker page. If I didn't care so much, I would just leave all the extra credits on my own page...

...which brings me to this golden beacon of awesomeness-



I checked my IMDB profile the other day when I was linking to it from my own website, CrockerOnline, and I have apparently been credited for running sound on "Dogs with Jobs!" the Tiny Service Dogs episode. I don't have anything to update on my IMDB profile, and my internet is still down at my house, so I'm just going to leave that credit up until the fourth Jeff Crocker decides he wants his own profile page. I figure it can't be completely detrimental to any future job leads if they see that I worked with Peek: the Tiny Service Dog.