File Under: You have GOT to be kidding

Via Yahoo News: "It is the adults who should be afraid this Halloween. Not of ghouls and goblins, but of permanently scarring their children. In a recent study of six- and seven-year-olds in the Philadelphia area, Penn State psychologist Cindy Dell Clark found that most parents underestimate just how terrifying the holiday can be for young kids." This is a joke, right? The article continues, "Halloween has been scaring the heck out of kids of all ages for centuries....Child psychologists generally caution parents that the fright of some aspects of Halloween can be too much for the very young, and advise adults to keep a close eye on children and remind them of what is real and what is not." Here's my reasoning: When you know of ONE DAY out of the ENTIRE year that you are going to go DOOR TO DOOR to collect CANDY, perhaps at the expense of someone in a rubber mask jumping out at you, perhaps startling you, how could ANYONE NOT BE PREPARED?! We know as society that there is one day every year a fat old man, crawls down our chimney and into our living room to leave presents under a pagan symbol of worship decorated with ecclesiastical glass orbs and angels, while we celebrate someone dying the most painful death imaginable and suffering the pain of every human in the history of time. We know that there is one day every year an enormous mutated anthropomorph hides colored eggs(which it cannot lay) that you search your backyard to find. WE ARE CREATING A SOCIETY OF PUSSIES. Here's the rebuttal to any argument that entails a kid getting scared at young age: My girlfriend HATES being startled. When she gets startled it could very likely bring her to tears. Or she'll start throwing punches. Eitehr way, it's not a pretty sight. I would love to go to the haunted houses at Knott's Scary Farm, The Queen Mary, or anywhere else, but she will NEVER want to go. You may say that this puts a damper on Halloween for her, but the reality is that Halloween is her favorite holiday in the history of the human species. She loves it more than anyone else I know. So regardless of her being scared as a little kid, she still LOVES Halloween. It's not Halloween that's the problem, it's not even the people that startle her, because she knows to stay away from those things, in this case, we are telling children that it's OK to be wimps. I can't think of anything more assinine, thick-headed, retarded, or irresponsible. Besides, there is nothing to change about Halloween to make it more kid-friendly. It's already a kid's holiday! You dress up like a hobo, run around your neighborhood and collect candy. If someone doesn't like Halloween, that's fine. It's OK to NOT LIKE something, but I am giving you the permission to do so on your own. You don't need a study or parents or doctors to tell you that putting a Ronald Reagon mask on and carrying around a pillowcase full of chocolate is a bad thing. I am giving kids all over permission to decide on Halloween by themselves.

The Neon Cruise

I lucked out. Saturday night, my girlfriend and her two best friends were going out together to celebrate one of the girls' birthdays, but when one of them couldn't make it, I got to tag along. We ended up on the Neon Cruise through Los Angeles. They run it every Saturday night through the summer, June until the beginning of October and it always sells out. My girlfriend had made reservations but it was previously sold out so they ended up on the waiting list. The day before the cruise, Friday, they found out they had seats so it was a bummer that their friend couldn't go with them. You meet down at the Museum of Neon, which I had been to before, but had never been on the famed cruise. There is a wine and cheese reception beforehand, so you can mill around the museum, enjoying illuminated impressions of days past, or glowing glass of colored gas. The wine is an important element for the three hour journey. You'll be on the top level of a double decker convertible bus, so while you can dress your outside as warm as possible, you'll definitely need something to warm the insides as well. You may want to invest in a hip flask if you're going on the neon cruise. But the cruise, the cruise itself is like a journey through an LA that you can only wish existed to this day. It really shows us the history of this city from a different perspective; one of promise and entrepeneurship, something that has, in my opinion, been lacking in this city, in this country for the last decade. It feels like there was a desire for technology and excitement and entertainment to collide and create, above all, a better life for all. When the Packard dealership on Wilshire first introduced neon to America, the buzz it created was not only important to signage for years to come, but it obviously changed the way Americans were mesmerized. Eric, the smarmy, sarcastic, and incredibly funny, tour guide lead us through an intriguing history. When we reached Hollywood, he began to lament the introduction of "backlit plastic," the signage that effectively eliminated the need for neon signs. Cheap and economical, you can much more with a backlit plastic sign than you can with blown glass neon tubes, I understand what happened. But it made me think that it also changed the way we dealt with that blend of technology and entertainment. We added business. Now it wasn't about making people excited about something new any more. It was about getting them into a store, selling them something, and getting the next guy in the store. That's it. That's where we've come to and what is driving our country the argument of art versus business and whether the two are individuals or influencing to each other. Does one have to breed the other? Are the two allowed to live harmoniously? Or are we slashing our cities' wrists by making our advertisements bigger, louder, and brighter, and letting our distilled artistic impulses languish in smaller venues, collecting dust, decomposing, and running out of power? The neon cruise is something of wonder and excitement that helps us realize what things were and how things can be when people work together and appreciate ingenuity and experimentation, while requiring boundries. Like a delicate glass tube of exploding gas, a dedicated column on the periodic table of elements, sharp lines of brightly colored light that we can form in any way and to acheive any message, so long as the gas doesn't escape or the switch isn't turned off.

University of the Apprentice

I'm totally a junkie for The Apprentice. Donald Trump's business world cred may be spotty, but his bat-shit crazy cred is as high as you can get. Through his reality-show-job-interview-competition, he teaches important business lessons, yet we end up learning important communication skills that are necessary for any successful endeavor, not just big business. And while I was unsure if Martha Stewart would be able to come close to the eccentricity of Donald Trump's version, she has definitely won me over with her deliberate style and unmerciful demeanor. But this past week I came to a realization: The Apprentice is Sesame Street for adults. At the end of every episode you learn a lesson or moral or skills or how to use the letter 'E'. Granted, nine times out of ten the lesson is "don't be an a-hole," but there are plenty of important morals that are presented each week for us to learn. Generally we learn about proper interpersonal communication, being nice to people, sharing, managing money, how to interact with different age groups, etc. However, A lot of times, the lessons are learned not through the task that Donald Trump gives each team, but through the team dynamic. The teams are generally divided in a way that complements the competitive nature of the show. Last season, it was street smarts(high school degree) versus book smarts(college and grad school degrees), and this season it's guys versus girls. Each week, teams go head to head and compete, the loser has to talk to Donald Trump, who promptly fires the whiniest, bitchiest, saddest train wreck of a contestant. But not before they learn that they need to contribute more to the team. Or that they need to share their thoughts in a more thoughtful manner. Whether we, the vieing audience likes it or not, we subconsciously learn an important lesson of what we would NEVER do in any business sense. But it generally doesn't end with business. This also applies to the Amazing Race- For instance, last week, a team of all strong able-bodied men was bested by a single mother and her three teenage children. The men got cocky and angry and made it a point to beat the single mom team. In the end, they let their anger and frustration get in the way the goal of the game: don't come in last place. This lesson is taught nearly ever season of almost every reality based competition show, because there will always be a team that is too competitive for their own good and will blow the competition focusing on trying to beat a single team. The Apprentice Martha Stewart is awesome because, while Donald Trump is totally nuts(read: awesome), Martha Stewart is fucking dead serious all the time. Any time a contestant tries to take her on, she shoots them down with something that resembles: I've been to jail, have you? Case in point, two weeks ago, Shaun(female) told Martha's right hand business guy that they would win the task or he could personally fire her. They don't show that stuff for a reason, and sure enough, Shaun got the pink, lacy, steel-toed boot from Martha Stewart. But luckily for us, she didn't go without a totally inane defense. In response to questioning about her totally misplaced confidence, she said, "I work in TV where we say, 'fake it, 'til you make it!'" And Martha shoots back with, "I've been on TV for ten years and I've never heard that." Ouch. Good for Martha Stewart. There's nothing like coming back from prison and reinventing yourself as a ruthless, stone-cold bee-atch! Ultimately, the lesson we will all learn from the Donald Trumps, Martha Stewarts, Big Brothers, Survivors, Fifth Wheels, Amazing Racers, and everyone else who will be on a reality show at some point in their lives is: Don't be an A-hole.