Marathon!

I just finished a marathon digital effects compositing ...er...marathon. 48 hours straight through on my soft butt blue-screening and animating.

My eyes hurt. My face hurts. My mind hurts. But the shit looks righteous and I'm pretty happy with the entire body of work i did in two days. Scott and I have been watching X-Files reruns on TNT since 3 AM and we might have watched the shittiest, longest, most mind-numbing episode about werewolves. It was agony and I was a huge X-Files nerd(convention!).

The last time I worked this long on something was the Crooked Teeth music video with Sevan, Morgan, and Schrab. Stayed up two days and then went to an UnCabaret workshop and proceeded to fall asleep listening to others' hilarious anecdotes.

But all this work is paying off- the show is airing in Italy right now and we're getting some nice (Italian) feedback, which is exciting. I'm excited to finish it up, print a DVD and start showing all you guys our toils for the last six months.

Now there is an X-Files episode about some convict guy named "Rawls" (Rahls? Ralze?) cutting people in half. Awesome. This show could have been thirty minutes if they cut all the dramatic push-ins in half. RAWLS STYLE.

Thanks Andy for being awesome and I hope you are feeling better!

Thanks Gourley for the much needed Prospector "Rendering Martini."

Thanks Arielle for calling me and making my day.

Oh yeah! My MySpace Blog War with Damon Gentry ends at midnight on Sunday! Subscribe now to help me kick his pastey white ass from the other side of the country! (Also, go visit his site and ask him about "HitPunchers;" He loves that.)

Can't sleep yet...still rendering final output...so close....sooooo cllooossseee....

I Have Cold Feet

With all the hubbub of the holiday season, I should have put "socks" on my holiday wish list.

New Years Purge .1 of 2

There are two New Years Purges every year for me. The first comes the week before the new year when I destroy my apartment in the hopes that I will rebuild it from the ashes a new Phoenix of cleanliness and organization. The second purge occurs at 11 AM on January 1st, about thirty minutes after i wake up with an earth-cracking hangover and I'm sure you can guess the nature of this second purge.

Right now, I'm in the midst of an epic New Years apartment purge and reorganize. I've added shelving space which was much needed because I am constantly adding new crap to my apartment that I don't know where to store.

Last year, I added the first shelving unit and a couple of large and medium boxes to my "miscellaneous corner," and this year I need better boxes, and more storage space.

Here's the thing- I'm not a pack rat, but I definitely save shit. But I save stuff like an old CD burner, an old Sega Genesis, and an old Super Nintendo. I also have saved all my old VHS tapes, while there aren't that many, I would rather keep them because I don't have any of the movies on DVD(the big exception being that my VCR just broke recently, so now they are really just taking up space.)

The librarian part of me doesn't want to get rid of certain things that would benefit my obsessive-compulsive archival disorder. I love to have access to all sorts of things at all times. That's part of the reason I'm obsessed with buying and reading books. I want to be helpful to all my friends in any way possible. I like collecting knowledge and this compulsion splashes over significantly to pop culture uses- hence the old game consoles(i also have an old version of Oregon Trail), the Vectrex I just bought, and the various bundles of magazines I have kept in chronological order.

However, today is the day that this all gets put in order. Period. I'm not putting a definite time-limit on it, but today is really the only day I am going to have available for this monsterous job. The little things I can do while puttering around the house in the evening are things I would do no matter what, so I can spread little things out this week.

This is all in preparation for New Years Purge #2, and making sure I have a clean house for people to crash at after the Prospector on Sunday. That's very important.

Alright- back to work.

Willing to Bet

This is going to be the most blogged about thing EVER.



It's kind of a cop-out, it's kind of on the nose, and more than anything I think it reminded me how much I just don't give a shit what Time Magazine thinks; besides, I'd rather read my friends' blogs.

Way to put yourself out of business.

S.M.D., T.M.

Gift Guide 2006!

What does Jeff want for Hanukkah? Here are eight gift ideas for the Crocker you know, or similiar, sci-lit-nerd* in your life.

1.) BEAM bot - Pummer Kit from Solarbotics.com - If you're not reading MAKE magazine, you're a sorry-excuse for a geek. Published in the heartland of prog-tech and re-purp material, Northern California, this quarterly tome out nerds all other nerdy publications prior. Motorized coffee bean roaster? Internet controlled home coffee machine? "Rumble Mouse?" You bet. Not to mention every single iPod hack you could possibly dream up.

BEAM robotics is named for Biology, Electronics, Aesthetics and Mechanics. Basically, a robot designed for a biological aesthetic, using as few parts as possible, all of which serve more than one fucntion. Most BEAM bots are solar powered and use capacitors to store energy. The Pummer is a simple, neat, night-time activated bot that sits there are Pummms an LED(like Mac computers).

2.) A Smith-Corona Galaxy II typewriter - That's right, kids! It's hip to not correct your mistakes again! Stop writing on your backpack with white pens and put them to good use, actually fixing your fuck-ups. The Smith-Corona Galaxy series is rad and sleek and fits nicely in any writer snob's home.

3.) Disney's Tail Spin Vol. 1 DVD Boxed Set - Here's the pitch: "It's all the characters from the Jungle Book, but set in a neo-utopian, post-war, fantasy world. There are air pirates, cloud surfing Kitsters, and that hilarious orangutan owns a bar. Basically Alice in Wonderland meets Air America." I'm sold.

4.) Some free time.

5.) The Sinners Guide to the Evangelical Right by Robert Lanham - The guy's that brought you the Hipster Handbook, come back at you with this delightful humor book. IF you're not familiar with the hipster handbook, it's one of the few novelty books that I've sat down and actually read front to back(not necessarily in order). This books looks to be a awesome follow-up.

5 1/2.) A Haircut - Actually, you don't need to get me this, I just wanted to remind myself...

6.) Bully for the PS2 - I'm constantly surprised at the way videogames these days are getting better and better and better. Bully seems to be a great example of a game that is complex, yet straight-forward and exciting. YOU GET TO BE A BULLY.

It vaguely reminds me of Ecco the Dolphin for Sega Genesis. How can a game where you're a dolphin trying to save your family from .... aliens? other dolphins? Nazis? Be any fun? I don't know, but Ecco the Dolphin is awesome and I can't imagine how a game where you're a bully, giving wedgies, noogies, and using a slingshot can be anything but righteous.

7.) Magic: The Gathering cards - Did you miss the memo? Magic cards are cool again. No joke. There are guys making $80,000 a year by being sponsered in Magic tournaments. I had to dig through my Star Trek Collectible Card Game and Jihad(the Vampire card game) to find my old Sengir Vampire and Lord of the Pit cards. I'm going to make a name for myself in a big way in the M:TG world in 2007. My Red/Green deck is pretty awesome.

8.) Nice, restaurant/bar-style, shot glasses - you know the ones I'm talking about, right? Thick glass, heavy bottoms, large shots? The kind you slam down after throwing back a shot of wild turkey your "best friend" bought you on your 21st birthday. I can't for the life of me find an online bar supply retailer that has what I'm looking for, so if any of you know where I can find these, by all means, I'll pour the Fernet if you get the glasses.

There you have it, America. That's my gift guide for myself and everyone like me, this Hanukkah. I'm sure you'll find something you like if you enjoy, reading, writing, drinking, building things, and playing video/collectible card games.

Have a wonderful holiday season!





*COINED WORD, BIATCH! S my D, Oxford!

What if he'd said "No?"

Quite possibly the greatest science story of our time-

Who Needs a Vet When You've Got Bao Xishun?

If you're too lazy to clicky the linky and read the crazy fucking story here's a brief synopsis; Two dolphins in a Chinese aquarium(great opening for a joke), swallowed some shards of plastic, they tried to get them out to no avail, so the doctors called in THE WORLD'S TALLEST MAN. HIs 41.7 in arms reached down the dolphin's gullet and pulled the shards out, resulting in the biggest WTF veterinary operation ever.

Seriously? There was NO other surgical, medical option other than the World's Tallest Man? And the question I pose is- What if he said, "Stick my 4 foot long arm down a what? Fuck THAT."

Actually, what I wish was that our entire society was governed by this trend- if there was a problem we had to call the World's Greatest ________ . In fact, isn't this how most industries are? If someone has a brain tumor, and the resources, you call in the best brain surgeon. Eventually everyone would get thier turn at something right? People would start inventing, creating things that they were hands-down, no-doubt, the best at.

We could build this giant directory of cross referenced talents and names and tasks and solutions compiled by the Greatest Directory Builder. You would have to call the Best Toy Clogged in a Toilet Plumber, who lives in Moscow, and he would have to get a hold of the Greatest Moscow to Los Angeles Pilot to fly him out here. The World's Tallest Man could just travel the world doing things only a tall man can do, like Kung Fu, except he's not that strong and doesn't speal english. I'm sure you could walk around the world a million times and always help someone with a tall person task.

What would I be? I'm pretty good at Gin Rummy. I also am really good at dating, but I don't think being the World's Greatest Date would fly with my girlfriend(who happens to be the World's Greatest Girlfriend.) I'm not quite the world's greatest blogger. I'm still really really good at Where's Waldo, so if that's not taken, I'm sure someone somewhere needs help finding Waldo in that World of Waldos at the end of The Great Waldo Search.

There you go. Ladies and Gentleman- I am the World's Greatest Waldo Finder. Revel in my glory, bow at my feet.

I am so curious

What's so important about the area under our tongue that is used to take our temperature? And maybe MORE importantly- when you're a baby, why is the area under your tongue interchangeable with your asshole? And now they test your temperature in the ear?

Why did you have to leave the thermometer in for three minutes? How long did it take to take your butt-temperature? In your ear, it only takes a few seconds. Bang! Boom! Done. 98.6 degrees of normal.

Remember that scene in ET where Elliot pretends to be sick so he can play with his creepy, alien in a bathrobe, so he puts the thermometer on a LIGHT BULB? Have you ever touched a light bulb? Hot shit. For real. Wouldn't that make the thermometer read like, 139 degrees?

Speaking of ET, was ET like the alien version of Rainman? Or can all aliens of his species look at a Speak and Spell and create a hyper-galactic satellite phone? I was more intrigued at how fucking kickass those guys were on their bikes at the end of that movie. But maybe it was just the music.

These are questions I ask myself when I'm burned out on editing stand-up comedians for 10 hours a day. Phew.

Back to the Final Cut Pro grind. See y'all at the Prospector later...

Future Blog Post: February 2007

February 26th, 2007

I don't mean to be a dick to everyone, but I just wanted to pop on here and drop an "I told you so" to anyone who bet against me that Martin Scorsese was going to mutate into a squat, sulfur-smelling, gargoyle when he didn't win Best Director at the Oscars this year. Though the metamorphosis may prove otherwise, I think Scorsese handled himself very well and stayed in good spirits through the end of the night.

Better luck next year, Marty!

Open Letter to my Priorities

Dear Priorities,

I just wanted to send you a note to say thanks for being so understanding. I really haven't been paying you all much attention and I appreciate your patience with me in the last few weeks, er, months...umm...years.

I promise I'll be back soon and while you may get another letter like this shining you on about what I need to get done, feel free to do what you've been doing- rolling your eyes and dropping this letter into your garbage disposal.

When I eventually get back to you guys, I'm sure you'll be excited by the way I've changed my work ethic, even though it's going to seem like I have become a lazy, sloppy mess- au contraire, mon frere- my focus is as tight as a baby's butt-drum.

What I'm trying to say, Priorities, is that I've never forgotten about you or what you've done for me. I imagine we'll get back together in a year or so and really create something beautiful, fantastic, and innovative. You heard me- fucking innovative. We'll create a a film or TV show, possibly a robot or robotic bathtub cleaner, maybe a new style of cupcake or a neotechnique java script used to find fetish porn at lightning speeds. Really, Priorities, the possiblities are endless.

Not that I'm saying you and Possibilities should be dating, or even seeing each other. I know that we have an open relationship, but that's not to say that I don't get jealous when I see you flirting with Curiosities or Probability. Statistically and I were close for a while, but we ended that Mutually.

My point is this- I'm sorry, OK? You have to realize that my Goals are important and you and Goals don't always get along. When you do- great! I can hang with both of you and everything's keen. But if there is any cattiness, I have to think of myself first. I have to do what's best for me.

I hope you understand. I'll write to you again soon.

Sincerely,
J. Alan Crocker

Cookies V. Bacon 2006

You know how when you're a kid you always threaten to grow up and eat cookies for breakfast?* Or ice cream? Or candy?

You know how when you grow up and you have to get a job to barely scrape by and you inhale Easy Mac and Instant Ramen like it's oxygen? I don't remember ever threatening to my mother and father that when I grow up I'm going to eat processed carbs and instant coffee for every meal.

So when we plowed through an entire package of bacon in ten minutes this morning at my office, I couldn't help but try to imagine what the damage to my colon would have been had I been eating Chips Ahoy! I mean, an entire pound and a half of smoked pig butt? For real?

It's one thing to have eggs and bacon, eggs and sausage, even steak and eggs (you're pushing the boundries with that chicken fried steak however), but JUST the bacon is a little audacious. Or inane. Or ridiculous.

I'd like to address the youth of America with something equally damaging to your self-esteem and twice as damaging to your body: The Bloody Mary. When you're 5 years old and your mom takes away those cookies at 9 AM from your sticky hands, you tell her that you're going to start mixing yourself a bloody mary or a mimosa every morning from your 6th birthday and you see how quickly those thin mints fly into your puffy cheeks.

This lesson is will faithfully work wonders for you well into you 70s, too. The old ball'n'chain giving you grief? Just start pouring yourself a Fernet and ginger every morning before your walk at dawn and that's game set match. Your advantage.

Don't think I am endorsing alcohol abuse, because that's very different**. No, what I'm trying to show you is that the threat of eating a package of cookies for breakfast, the thought of downing half a pound of fried pork before 10 AM, is nothing compared to the implications that you're going to start every day with a stiff, yet whimiscally mixed cocktail(it's JUST champagne and OJ?), is far superior and far more effective an arguing tool than you could imagine.

Children all over the world! Raise your babas! Go to war with the grouches and cranks with triple-malt ammunition!

[snooze]

* And then you actually do it and it's horrible- deliciously, deliciously horrible..
** But let's be honest, you're not totally off the mark...

Hey Comedy Lovers!

Friend and fellow movie-editor, Alex Hanawalt found one of the greatest entries in comedic journalism of all time- you guessed it- the reviews for Van Wilder 2.

Holy shit. Every reviewer is trying to find the best words to describe just how unbearable the movie is- it's amazing! I'm going to post my favorites, but it's really only a small sampling of what you can find at RottenTomatoes.com


"As the nerd sidekick to campus wildman Ryan Reynolds in the original film, Penn projected a geeky charm, but he's not equipped to play the lead in a well-constructed movie, let alone salvage this stunningly mediocre chain of skits." - Colin Covert, Minneapolis Star Tribune

"Rather than pushing the envelope, the movie draws pictures of boobies on the envelope and tries to pass that off as comedy." - Eric D. Snider, Ericdsnider.com

"The film's incompetence is not limited to the writing, acting and directing. There are jarring jump cuts and continuity errors, and a laugh-out-loud eyeline mishap during a supposedly intimate conversation. One keeps expecting a boom mike to peek out." - Michael Ordoña, Los Angeles Times

"At one point I tried to force myself to fall asleep, just so I wouldn't have to sit through any more of it." - Joshua Tyler, CinemaBlend.com

BRILLIANT.

To You Sir, I Say No-Ster.

Here's a rhetorical question for everyone to ponder briefly before I blurt out the answer in their face-

Can we stop adding "-ster" to the ends of words?

It's really a symptom of a much much much larger problem we face regarding the squashing of originality and risk-taking amidst marketable, commercial interests.

Why do all peer-to-peer related networks need a "ster" at the end(Napster, Friendster, Drunkster, etc)? Why do personal computer devices need an "i" in front of them(iPod, iTunes, iChat)? And what about "licious(bootylicious, bubblicious, wizardlicious)?"

OK- I'll be honest (and nerdy for a moment), the last example is actually what is referred to as a portmanteau*, meaning a blend of two words a la animatronics(animation + robotics), cyborg(cybernetic + organism), or commandeer(commando + deer).

So back to my original secondary point, why can't we use opportunities like this to create brand new things that warrant brand new names? iPod is a indeed good usage. But why couldn't Friendster have become Amigomachina? How much cooler does a Grecian-Spanish mix of FRIEND MACHINE sound than blazé Friendster?

I know that I am fighting a losing battle, partly with myself, because our culture- both material and incorporeal- is rapidly approaching a massive, haphazard intersection of technology. Our TVs connect to the internet, our iPods play movies, and we talk on the phone while driving.

The way into the future is this dangerous crossroads that will undoubtedly leave many concepts and goods in ruins, while slamming newer technology on a pedestal.




I, for one-ster, welcome our shinier, glossier, flat-screen, overlords.





*Special Thanks to Andy Goldblatt for leading me to the research regarding portmanteaus and helping me learn something new today! Yay!

** Also, portmanteaus are the term for the trend of "name mash-ups" in Hollywood. Here is the one of the funniest uses of those stupid name mash-ups, From the Colbert Report

I Left My Heart

I go up to San Francisco every now and then, less that I would like, and everytime I come home I wish I was back again. This past Thanksgiving, I was in the bay area for three days and my only brush with the city was a quick drive down Lombard and Van Ness at 9 PM on Saturday night.

I love rolling past the Civic Center and that Opera House thing. I love the lights, the hustle, the people, the history, everything. In fact, I think that San Francisco is the most photogenic American city. There is so much to see and hear and do and enjoy about the city. When I travel, I never want to feel like a tourist; I like the locals bars, I don..t need to see and do all the attractions and over priced elevator rides, except in San Francisco, I always feel like a tourist and I don..t care.

It doesn't hurt that San Francisco embodies so much of what I appreciate about American culture- the thriving literary scene; citizens' love for public art displays; people doing what they want, when and how they want to; not to mention that San Francisco has such progressive thinking in it's city planning, political views and treatment of it's denizens.

My friend Kristy(bonafide Teacher-of-the-Year nominee) teaches at some fancy-pantsy academy in the city. She's a rocker and a writer and she belongs in San Francisco. Long Beach is similar in some ways to San Francisco, but it's definitely not the same.

Los Angeles is my home town, and as much as it's hard to not imagine myself living somewhere else, I think it would be San Francisco if I had to move away. I will always come back to Los Angeles, but I think my heart and mind will always reside in a San Francisco state of mind.

Videos are finally up!

Hello CrockBlog-o-sphere!

Let's give a warm welcome to naked chick enthusiast Audrey. Alright. That's enough.

I've finally beaten MySpace's gauntlet, it's virtual Logan's Run to post VideoGame Theater (the pilot; I think I've already mentioned this) and last but certainly not least, Rob Schrab's brilliant Crooked Teeth video. Please enjoy them, watch them, send them to friends.

Also, perhaps you question my blog-vailability (or lack of) in the past weeks and I'll explain by way of regalia and fanfare: Besides being busy with the TV series of VideoGame Theater (which is looking really really cool and I can't wait to share it with y'all) i was officially promoted to editor on the pot documentary and have made the successful crossover from High as a Kite production crew to Stone Cold Sober editing team. Alex Hanawalt and I are now slogging through 600 hours of "High" Definition video of pot and pot heads. Joy of joys.

To make things worse, the office below ours was gutted over the weekend sending plume after plume of red-brick-dust cascading into our office covering ALL our equipment with a fine layer of disgusting, choking, dehydrating powder. My hands are dry, my eyes are sore, and I can't concentrate. Blech.

All this excitement has left little time to blog about such trite cultural phenoma as the Leonid meteor shower, The DOW closing at a record peak, and the imminent destruction of mankind. So for that, readers, I blog-pologize to you.

I'll get back on my horse for Black Friday. Have a good Thanksgiving everyone!

Robot Art-tack! and assorted weblinks and vidclips!

Word up!



Florida based illustrator Damon Gentry just drew this Robot Butler "production sketch" for me. I completely love it. Damon's a brilliant artiste and will have a story in the new volume of the comic "Hard Eight." He is also the person that I am in a bitter MySpace Blog Battle for who can get the most blog subscribers, which means if you're on MySpace and enjoy this blog, we can't continue this fight without your help! Besides, if I'm correct, I'm currently losing.

But seriously, go check out his blog for all things Guitar Hero and awesome art.

In other news, CrockBlog subscriber Scott Chernoff and I are finishing up work on Scott and Frank Meyer's(formerly of the kick-ass Streetwalkin' Cheetahs) show VideoGame Theater(link is to the pilot we made a year ago) for MTV-Italy's new network FLUX. I guess they are launching Flux in Europe before it launches here in the states.

I wish I could link to the completed Donkey Kong/Mario episode as it's completely brilliant. Not to mention I'm pretty proud of the opening title sequence I designed last night. Be patient and good videogame things will come to you.

And finally, my lovely lady friend is in a Butterfinger commercial for their zany web video contest "Follow the Finger." Enjoy HERE.

That's it for me this morning. Everyone have a great day and a great week! I'll be back soon!

Jack Palance WASN'T Dead?!

I don't mean to disrespect the man, but I thought Jack Palance has been dead for YEARS. Didn't they have him in one of those Oscar montages? You know the one I'm talking about. That wasn't him? Who am I confusing Not Dead Jack Palance with? I guess he's not Not Dead now. It's a shame that the only movie I know of Jack Palance's is the one he won an Oscar for, and it's a double shame that movie is City Slickers. And it's a triple shame (which may be why I thought he was dead), that they made a sequel to City Slickers.

Wow. Now I'm REALLY depressed.

RIP Jack Palance. GFY Billy Crystal.

Another for the Stoners

Wins and losses for the stoners yesterday.

America voted and pot was NOT legalized in Colorado, South Dakota, or Nevada. More on this later.

However, for you Californians, I'd like to thank voters in Santa Monica, Santa Cruz, and Santa Barbara, for voting YES and winning, making marijuana arrests the lowest priority for law enforcement. So head over to the pier and spark up; or more accurately, stay home and spark up.

Let's get back to the three states whose initiatives failed. South Dakota voted NO on legalizing medical marijuana by a mere 15,000(4%) of votes.

But here's the craizest part- Nevada and Colorado weren't legalizing marijuana for medicinal purposes. No no, their ballot measure was for legal and regulated availability of marijuana to all persons over 21, with possession being limited to an ounce(in CA, you can have up to 8 Ozs of medical marijuana). Even those these didn't pass, just barely in Nevada, the precendent is starting to be set and the choice is going to the voters where we're seeing the margin shrink rapidly.

The only thing more appalling is that America would rather see pot legalized than same-sex marriage, which is disturbing and frustrating.

That's my Poll-Merica recap.

I should be blogging more, but I've been hustling towards my deadline for Scott Chernoff and Frank Meyer's VideoGame Theater, all the while being promoted to 2nd editor on the pot documentary we're finishing. Stay tuned America, I'll be with you shortly.

If you haven't seen Videogame Theater, I posted the original under My Videos. Go watch!

Worst. Halloween. Ever.

It's October 29th and I haven't heard Dead Man's Party ONCE this month.

Come on people. Get with the program! Everybody's coming, BUT- leave your body at the door.

This Halloween, I want to feel like I was struck by lightning walking down the street; I want a chauffeur to come to my door and say there's room for MAYBE just one more.

Come on, people. Don't run away, it's only me. Jeff! You're reading my blog (and if you know what's good for you, you're SUBSCRIBING)!

Help me make this Halloween as rockin' as every other Halloween in history and start spinning Dead Man's Party. NOW. FUCKING NOW I TELL YOU.

Is there a better song to play on Halloween? I dare you.

NPR – 2 Serious 4 U

In talking about the incoming president of Gallaudet, the National Deaf University:

"Students complain that she is cold, has pushed out established faculty, and she doesn..t listen."

No shit.

Basement or Bonus Room

Growing up in Los Angeles, in a magnificent expanse of concrete, plastic, and steel, living in a particularly wealthy area, I never really experienced the magic of going over to a friend's basement or alternatively, an attic. My grandmother had a storage area we referred to as an attic, because of it's attic-like shape, but you didn't have to climb a special staircase to get there. I've never known of anyone having a basement either, although I suppose it's possible this resulted in me having only played Dungeons and Dragons once, in someone..s cold garage(and never being asked back(frowny face?)).

Instead, most of my friends had what was often referred to as a "bonus room." The Bonus Room came in two forms, an enormous family room on the second floor(usually containing a bar that was never used because we were always sneaking liquor out of the downstairs bar), or an extra bedroom that was generally extremely large for a second bedroom, thusly becoming "The Bonus Room."

I would love to hypothesize as to the differences in growing up without a basement versus with one, but again, because I never knew anyone that had a basement I can't think of anyone that exceptionally affected either way. Besides, the bonus room was really for kids, almost 100%. My memories don't recall any bonus room that wasn't dominated by a Sega Genesis, a box of GI Joes or My Little Ponies, or six tubs of Lincoln Logs. It was only when we got older that I started seeing grownups partake in the antics of the Bonus Room.

Keep in mind, I never had a Bonus Room, though many of my friends did. At our house we had a living room, a family room, and a den. However, my memory is a bit fuzzy, there was a recent argument about the validity of said Den. It could be an extension of the family room or an office. I claim that it is a den because that..s where my Dad still spends a lot of his time, at his desk or at his keyboard practicing- it..s really my Dad's room/office, which to me is a den.

I suppose I would like a basement someday to experience that feeling of going underground to hang out and listen to records and play Magic: The Gathering. But I'd just as much enjoy a Bonus Room, Library, Study, Den, or BackHouse.

100

What a milestone! I've reached my one hundredth blog post today! Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!

Here are some stats for your number crunchers to enjoy:

Posts: 100!
Comments: 154
Views: 3807
Kudos: 57
Subscribers: 18! (more more more!)

Here are my three favorite blogs:

Tha Economist

ToonTown is a Bad Idea(w/ SuperStar Limo pics)

Explosions!

If anyone else has recollections, memories, or thoughts post them below on this momentous occasion!

Here's to another one hundred MySpace blog posts! Huzzah!

Even I Don't Believe Me

While I quite possibly may be one of the greatest minds in the last three decades, alongside praised geniuses like, Walter Gilbert and Frederick Sanger, Russel A. Hulse, and Kurt Cobain; even though my powerful mind encapsulates the struggles of the greater commonwealth and everyday man, a net of intelligentsia in one consciousness with a five o clock shadow; but if there is one thing that hinders me from unraveling the very threads holding reality together and discovering the singular unifying theory to all the world, it's that I can't argue worth a god damn.

Even I'm never convinced by myself! My thoughts move faster than light, synapses firing in split-split seconds, calculating logic before logic processes it's own existence, and yet, I can't convince my producer that the title of their movie is somewhat awkward and confusing and possibly going to turn off potential audience members. I have six quadrillion items to prove this is the case, but can't articulate a single one into a comprehensive sentence.

What normally happens is a derivative of the following:

Step 1.) An opposing viewpoint to my own is presented; I conceive that this idea is a poor one and formulate the answer in a trillisecond.

Step 2.) I stutter.

Step 3.) Opposing viewpoint wins as I am left repeating something along the lines of, "seriously, it's a bad idea." While the opposing viewpoint presenter exclaims (in smug victory), "But you haven't convinced me!"

That's just it, I'm not a convincer. I'm more of a "you're-about-to-make-a-serious-mistake-that-I-can-foresee-and-you-should-listen-to-me-based-solely-on-me-being-genius-incarnate." Yet somehow that never really convinces anyone.

The lazy a-hole in my wants to blame the people I argue with are just a bunch of tight-assed, close-minded toolio's, crusing down the road to south obtuse central, in their brand new Cadillac Intolerance.

If there was a class I could take, I would love to become better at arguing, but I'm not sure I have the patience for four or sixs weeks of homework about debating when, in a perfect, Matrix-like world, I could just download the information to my brain. Although I guess if that were the case, we would be able to zap our ironclad opinions into each others brains and I wouldn't be writing this blog.

Also, I wouldn't be writing this blog- I would be thinking it into existence.

Also, I would be a slave to a robot society.

Jesus, this blog sucks.

J1ff-3 LooB3

I just plowed through my first big budge commercial shoot. It was not as horrifying as I was fearing it was and the entire crew was douche-free(a bizarre rarity), not to mention we wrapped 3 hours early.

Here's a great line- "What were we talking about?" " Jeremy was telling his Hi-LARIOUS stories about escaping Katrina."

Crossing fingers, I'll be off work next week and get some serious shit done. I'd take three months off if I could, travel around and visit all my friends, but I've got to feed the monkey.

Me. I'm the monkey. Monkey needs food.

And shower and sleep, and tomorrow some laundry.

Addiction: UPDATED!

A few weeks ago I blogged about my realization that I am addicted to coffee. I realized this because I went a day without coffee and got a huge, pulsing headache the next day around the time I would be throwing one back.

Yesterday, we had a team of doctors in the office talking to our documentary subject about his possible or un-possible addiction to marijuana. A sidebar came up about his (supposed) withdrawal while he was sober and how he didn't experience too many bad side effects of withdrawal. Dr. Gary Cohan explained simply the effects of caffeine addiction and marijuana addiction.

In so many words:

Tetrahydracannabinol(THC), the euphoric ingredient in marijuana, is fat soluble which is why it stays in your system for 12 weeks (most people think 30 days, but if you are a heavy pot user, small amounts will still be noticeable for at least double that). The THC being stored in your fat is why you don..t have any withdrawal effects- it leaves your system slowly over 12 weeks, where as caffeine, comes out all at once. The same goes for nicotine.

The fat soluble nature of THC is also the reason potheads can bake it into delicious cakes and cookies.

So it was nice to know that the withdrawal from my marijuana usage (due to this project) will be a nice and slow one, while my withdrawal from my job working on the marijuana documentary will include the splitting headache of looking for a new job on Monday.

Other things I am addicted to:
Guitar Hero
Spanky Wilson & The Quantic Soul Orchestra
Spray can wood stain - American Oak
Books of aerial photography of large American cities
Trader Joe's asian chicken salad
Drawn out set-ups to obvious and somewhat bad jokes
Terry Gilliam movies about time-traveling midgets and/or children
The Prospector

Post-Contemporary Media Commentary

Q: Why is "The Running Man" such an awesome movie?

A: Because I'm drunk and I say so.

Viva El Reno Room!

Anti-No-Weezer

Can we please stop not talking about Weezer?

What..s it going to take, America, to keep these scrappy hipsters at the forefront of the popular music debate? Weezer is an important aspect of our music culture, because they went from really good to retardedly bad in the time it takes to grow a Steven Seagal ponytail.

You know, that song "Hash Pipe" wasn't too bad. What about that video with the muppets that was so sweet and quaintly nostalgic, even though that "Happy Days" parody by Spike Jones was a lot better(meaning sweeter and more quaintly nostalgic).

But Weezer's pathetic decline deserves our attention MUCH more than we are giving them. Rivers Cuomo NEEDS us to talk about his shortcomings as a born again song writer. Otherwise he wouldn't have posted his Harvard thesis on his MySpace blog.

Why are you listening to the Killers? Who cares about your faggy emo whiney distorted sheep music? Who..s soul are you killing when you drop a dime on Evanessence?

I'll tell you whose soul you are killing- Nerd rockers everywhere that are being forced to NOT follow in Weezer's footsteps and are putting on eyeliner and writing about slutty girls rather than wearing sweaters and being emotionally distant unavailable lesbians you can..t forget about.

It's time to step up to the plate and pledge yourself to the Anti-Non-Weezer Faction. We..ll have Pinkerton listening parties and talk about how great Pinkerton is as a ..listen all the way through.. album, while we spurn such trite singles as ..Beverly Hills,.. laughable attempts at ..edge.. like ..We Are All On Drugs,.. and the bland safety dance of ..Island in the Sun...

Rise up, people and fight back against the tyranny of the real menace to America .. Anti-Weezer sentiments. Bring back the dejected, bespecaled, shaggy haired, nerd-charmers, that we fell in love with during the salad days of the 90s.

You may begin the resurgence of Weezer propaganda below where, following the conclusion of this blog, we will have a pointed discussion in the "comments" section.



Also, if you have yet to subscribe to this blog, now is the best time to jump on the CrockBlog Bandwagon! Join us before the end of the year and a special prize will be yours!

Back in Action!

My computer, whom I've finally christened "HammerTop,*" is back in action and I'm happily rolling along with my life.

Last night was the last day of principal photography for this documentary I've been working on and it couldn't have gone out in more style, less clothing.

We threw a huge party with the Suicide Girls and I got to kill two lifetime achievement birds with one Class I narcotic stone: hanging out with the Suicide Girls and seeing them wearing t-shirts I designed.**

Considering the subject matter of the documentary, there couldn't have possibly been a better day after Yom Kippur than anyone could have dreamed. Smokes, drinks, tats, and tits; TAKE THAT, DAY OF ATONEMENT!

I'm still working these crumby hours for another week or so, but I'll be back to the land of the living soon and we..ll go rock the Prospector. FOR REAL. And of course, I'll try and keep up this place more often than not.






* See previous post.

** No. I didn't have my camera with me, and while I kick myself until eternity, I will note that there were three cameras covering the entire event so I'll post a picture one day, not to mention some fucking righteous video. The second reason there aren't any pictures is supposedly the t-shirts are going to be an integral part of the marketing of this documentary and we have to keep it very quiet until the film is complete.

Equation

Ima Butler

I can't believe I forgot about all this! I had been meaning to post these videos and it just went right past me as I've been caught up in work.

This is the show I made this summer- ROBOT BUTLER


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

I had a blast making it and am so happy with the resulting product; from the acting, to the sound design, to the kickass music.

A brief history of the Robot Butler:
This was conceived after watching an episode of The Outer Limits in which Tom Arnold buys a robot butler, named Gideon, who proceeds to take over this role as a father and become the patriarch of the family. I think the creepy twist at the end was that Gideons were being placed into all families across the world and taking over. [gasp]

Based on this amazing screen gem, I created Robot Butler, the definitive Halloween Costume, which is the costume you see on screen, consisting of LED goggles, a costume bow-tie, and hockey gloves.

From there the script was formed and the rest is history.

It was a lot of fun creating everything- the effects, the characters, the locations(so futuristic!). I cant thank my cast and crew enough for everything.

And special thanks to Michael Swaim for the brilliant fan art)my profile pic, posted on the Channel 101 forum. My show was rejected(in a somewhat controversial hullabaloo), but it still prompted fans creativity which is really the greatest compliment someone could ever receive.

This is the presentation pilot I worked on a couple months ago, right before summer. It was one whirlwind day of work, hanging out with a rock band (that studio where they practice is this crazy run down house in East LA), and if the show were to get picked up it would be a fun ride.

Enjoy!
..>

This show was created by Neil Mahoney, Jonah Ray, and Jake.

Thanks for watching all this! Have a great day peoples!

Connectivity

I was one of the last people I know to get a cell phone, just under two years ago, yet as soon as I did I had wondered why I had been holding out so long. It was clear that my life was being improved by this technological tool, this tiny utility of communication and connection, allowing me to keep in touch with so many at the push of a button.

Within 24 hours of getting a cell phone I was working, and on that job I realized just how great it was to have a cell phone. Moving from job to job, having access to communication while on the road, while out of town, I quickly learned how fantastic it all was and what the hype had all been about. Cell phones have provided our society with MORE and FASTER. Thats what we can do with oue technology- MORE and FASTER.

My girlfriend from a couple years ago, when people were getting cell phones, convinced me to get a pager. Something to help me keep in touch, without feeling obligated to call back. (she also taught me all sorts of pager-talk with numbers that I always thought was cool, because it was like a secret code). I enjoyed having that pager and when making the transition to cell phone, I understood that I was going to have to give in to "picking up" more often.

So where is all this going? I recently bought a laptop and am now pretty much a wireless lad, traipsing the sprawling cement countryside from WiFi to WiFi, enjoying my access to, well, everything pretty much whenever I need it. I pick up now, every time.

Today, picking up became a problem, because for the first time in months, I've gotten to sit down at the café by my house, enjoy some coffee and The Economist(kaping!), and then, check my e-mail.

What I got in my e-mail was like, fourteen work related messages directed towards me on work that needed to be done. My stress level went right up to my ear lobes, I started fidgeting and adjusting my shoulders when I realized I had been slouching. I felt gross. I felt frustrated and I really felt like I didnt need to know any of this right now. My predisposition for wanting to do a good job usually means that I will do work whenever its necessary, but I guess it took this job for me to realize that I need to not be consumed with work. I like to power through everything to get done quicker and have more time to read or play video games.

My boss(the e-mailer) is vigilantly obsessed with his work(the e-mails were sent at midnight), and while that can be advantageous to whip his employees into an excited frenzy of productivity, it is a disadvantage because sometimes I just need to stop and have some free time.

I'm not making this up when I say that it's taking all I can muster to NOT stop writing this and do my work. It's cold turkey and it's hard. I know what I need to do and that it wont necessarily take very long.i need to stop, see? Im exhausted

Where's My 'Ism?

I have no 'ism. It's something that I am somewhat shy about admitting, as it seems like everyone I know has an 'ism to apply to themselves. I have no idealism, extremism, or religious fanatacism; meaning no Catholicism, Zionism, Buddhism or Calvinism.

I don't suffer from alcoholism, absenteeism, or altruism; though I have been told I have altruistic properties. (Thanks, Mom.)

My character lacks witticism, narcissism, cronyism, and cynicism.

My pseudo-journalism emits no realism or social criticism and lacks symbolism and professionalism.

I could take up vandalism but my pessimism would stop myself from driving the tourism down where I live.

My art tastes are undeveloped and therefore can't tell you the difference between Post-modernism, surrealism, or cubism; my science skills are just as pathetic as I dont understand magnetism, activism, or skepticism.

I don't understand feminism, fetishism, or feudalism.

I have no patriotism and I dont align myself with terrorism.

I have never had botulism, hypnotism, or a baptism.

No cannaibalism, capitalism, or sado-masochism;
No Marxism, Buddhism, or those hilarious "Bushisms."

All 'isms escape my persona. I feel empty and hollow like I'm missing a significant part of my life. My character. The very coincidental definition of who I am as a person and how I can better describe myself to people Ive never met over the internet. Isn't there an 'ism that I can claim? Something that I can attach myself to, tie around my arm, wave in the air or celebrate once a year?

Should I be looking in the 'asms? I think I have a lot of 'asms...

Common/Uncommon

"It's not common in humans, but it's common in BEARS!" My girlfriend yells this across the room as she stomps to the bathroom to take a shower. She's currently suffering from Pityriasis Rosea, a virus of the skin that literally translates to "Scaly and Pink." It's level of contagion is up for debate, as the trusty internet says, "not very contagious" but the doctor alleges, "is highly contagious." Most commonly, Pityriasis Rosea is found in bears.

This reminded me of my own rare medical problem that- like most young males with an uncommon, somewhat embarrassing medical conditions- I received in college. I thought I had bruised my tailbone because I had been in pain whenever I sat down all week. So you can imagine my surprise when I'm playing Xbox and my "bruise" explodes in the back of my pants. Yeah.

[graphic descriptive paragraph withheld by public's request]

But the school medical center opens at 8 and you can bet your ass, no pun intended, thats where I was come Monday morning.

I go into the doctor and sit uncomfortably with six pounds of Neosporin and bandages in my butt-crack until the doctor decides to see me.

"Well," he exclaims after I've dropped my pants and bent over the table, "this is pretty uncommon!" You know, for such a harmless phrase, it sure isn't something you want to hear in the doctor's office, but I suppose it could be worse. "You know, I'd like to bring in my intern to show this to." Oh, it IS worse.

Five minutes later I'm back with my shorts at my ankles and now in addition to an old doctor looking into my butt, there is a gorgeous young woman admiring the crossroads of my posterior and my spinal column.

"It's called a pilonidal cyst. Or at least, it was, as it appears to have burst last night." Indeed. The doctor addresses the pretty intern, "These are pretty uncommon so I thought you would like to see something like this." The girl begins prodding my tender tailbone/northern ass region with her latex clad digit, I squirm and grit my teeth, but I am determined not to yelp out because pants or no, its still a pretty girl paying attention to me.

The doctor explains that they dont really know what causes them but they are easily treated with antibiotics. If the antibiotics dont do the job adequately I can return and they will excise the demonic abscess with fire or ice or something that burns skin without remorse.

"Thank you," I say.
"Thanks for letting me look in," the intern girl says and then laughs awkwardly.
"Your welcome! It's not everyday I have a pretty girl check out my ass." Yes, I was flirting; partly because she was cute and also I wasnt wearing any pants and was trying to deflect some of my insecurity with humor.
"Of course I could always check your prostate." Silence.
Awkward silence.
"Ooooooooo-K. Well, I guess I'll go get this prescription filled."

And Jeff and his Cyst lived happily ever after. After that is, he destroyed his cyst with delicious antibiotics.

Now if this post doesnt make you want to subscribe to my blog, something that all you readers should do, check back next week for one that does.

That Other Side of Karma

When you ask yourself, "What's the last thing I would want to do today?"

Is the answer ever "Drive an H-List celebrity's urine to Beverly Hills?"

For three weeks, Ive been cranky about not getting to go with the crew to the Suicide Girls show tonight. There arent enough passes, I understand, I was just being a bitch because it seemed like such a closely missed opportunity.

So you can imagine my horror when my boss says, five minutes before they are walking out the door to the show, "Did you want to come with us?"
"What? I thought I couldnt go!"
"Sure you can, you just have to walk in with me."
I look down at my ratty, paint stained shorts, my flip-flops, and the Styx/Wizard shirt I'm wearing.
"I...I...I cant go."

Somehow, this apathetic, dickwad, H-list, quasi-peripheral-celebrity, twat, whose urine I just couriered to Beverly Hills, who isn't going to give a yeti's left nut about it, was invited to this show, while I sit at home watching Quantum Leap season 2.

There is totally justice in this world, I only hope it's in the form of some sort of mythical horse-headed vigilante-demon who travels on a beam of fury and strikes down my foes with a flaming serated diamond broadsword forged in the white hot fires of Hades.

....sigh....





note! I love my girlfriend very very very very very much. she is totally awesome and no amount of tattoos or piercings would make me think otherwise.

That's Right. I'm Getting Smarter, Bitch.

So guess which handsome, pirate-clad, MySpace blogger, is about to get fifty thousand times smarter than all y'all?

That's right: ME.

Why, you ask? What is the reason for this sudden influx of intense intelligence? You really want to know? Well then- I'll fucking tell you.

I just subscribed my-goddamn-self to The Economist.

What's that you say? Holy shit? You're goddamn right holy shit. It's chock full of articles about Muslims and Jews and Mel Gibsons. Oh snap! Topical humor regarding myriad issues addressed by The Economist.

I can feel my brain pulsating with world issues and articles regarding things that most Americans ignore and take for granted- Alternative Energy? Check. Endangered Species? Check. Terrorism Abroad? Motherfucking CHECK. You can't even comprehend my staggering increase in IQ just from the process of SUBSCRIBING to The Economist.

These are WORLD issues people- not just your hot shit Prius getting you in the carpool lane. Fuck that. Did you know that Sudan's Government is rejecting African Union Peacekeepers as well as UN soldiers? BOOM! Straight outta Tha Economist, Ladies!

Time Magazine is for amatuers who smoke crack and suck dick. NewsWeek is straight-hack bathroom reading, son. US News & World Report? Who the fuck reads that shit? Get that shit the fuck outta my face, bitch! The Economist will rain death and also meteors on your bullshit waiting room "news periodicals" printed on cheap paper. The Economist is printed on gangsta, 24 karat, pimped-out, RECYCLED paper! BOW DOWN!

Don't be such a fucking pussy, and get yourself some real brain matter where it counts! Hard-style! I'm so fucking smart now. It's not even fucking funny. I'm up to my ears in Grade-A, Harvard educated, Einstein pussy, now, all thanks to my homes- The Economist!

I Need a Serious Explanation

It's Labor Day weekend. I know you all have the day off, so can someone PLEASE explain Fantasy Football to me?

One of my co-workers is in a "league" where they all pay $200, they have a big draft and then call each other every single day talking about what Terrell Owens is doing or not doing.

I've decided that I just need to start knowing more about sports in general, right? How do I get involved with Fantasy Football? Is it worth it? Can I NOT pay $200?

My Co-worker's fancy pantsy Fantasy Football league is made up of some heavy hitters in the entertainment industry and apparently has some guy in it that works for ESPN as the- I swear I'm not making this up- PROFESSIONAL FANTASY FOOTBALL "picker" or "expert" or "whatever." He goes on ESPN every week and blogs every day about who to pick and what they are going to do and why they are good or bad picks.

And he came in 10th place last year, out of ten.

Is it like playing Football themed roulette? Only instead of numbers you are betting on players? HUMANS?! WHAT KIND OF SOCIETY HAVE WE BECOME! AAAHHH!!!

The Addiction Addict

This documentary i'm working on isn't necessarily about addiction per se, but it's definitely one of the most prevalent undertones running through our minds. As an act of solidarity, the entire crew decided to join our subject for thirty days of sobriety en totale. No drugs, no alcohol, and nothing else that lowers inhibitions and/or alters the mind.

I made it a staggering 14 days of sobriety before I realized I was going to a Journey concert and there was no way I could get through it without coming into contact with beer or pot. I was one of the last on the crew to fall off the wagon, although a few would say they are still on when they technically are not.

What was confusing to me was that I'm not an addict in the classic sense of the word- I don't need alsohol or marijuana to function, to get my day started, to deal with my life, it doesn't effect my life beyond the bar, etc. And in justifying myself that way, I felt like I didn't need to worry about not going the full thirty days.

But then I started to worry- Does THAT mean I am an addict? Making an excuse for my usage and understating my supposed addiction? I probably drink once a week, and am in a bar about three times a month. My marijuana usage is practically non-existant. So i didn't think that I needed to quit for thirty days because it's not something that I every really do on a regular basis to begin with, except I am worried that because I am excusing my behavior in that way, it means i AM addicted.

I know that I am addicted to ONE thing: Coffee. Again, I don't NEED it to start my day, but coffee is the one thing I look forward to in the morning and in the evening. Ever since coming back to work here, I've been drinking a LOT more coffee; way more at work, and none at home.

Make no mistake, my body is addicted to coffee, caffeinated or decaffeinated, as I can prove because it has been 30 hours since my last cup and I have a splitting headache. The headache started around the time I would be at work having coffee and starting my day. I took two Advil and am chewing some gum to make this pain in my head disappear. It's that horrible addict head pain, right behind your eyes, up a little, making you a little disoriented and uncomfortable but giving you no good reason to go home to bed. Blech.

I'm off coffee for awhile because I don't want my body to depend on it in any way. no more alcohol either, just because I want to prove that I can stay sober for another two weeks. Instead, I've decided to become addicted to cigarettes! I mean, why not? It;ll only be until I start drinking coffee and alcohol again and it's clear that my body is addicted to addiction, whether it's coffee, alcohol, cigarettes, Guitar Hero, or blogging- I need something to get my day started and suppress my appetite all the while changing my metabolism and increasing my significant levels of nausea and self-deprecation.

So what do you think? Am I Kool? Or a Marlboro Man?

Crocker the Proctor

At the last minute, we decided to give the subject of our documentary the SAT so we could compare the scores now and when he is 'medicated.'

I was assigned to proctor the test, because....i'm the most interested in this aspect of our film? i don't know.

Now I'm sitting here with a camera, taping our subject taking the SAT. Enthralling footage I'm sure. Either way, I'm still interested in the way this part of the experiment turns out. Unfortunately, we weren't able to prep him in any way, so the scores aren't really going to reflect sobriety vs. stoned-iety. He hasn't seen the test in almost 30 years, the odds of there being a significant score are small because he doesn't know what's coming. Ryan Meyer, an SAT tutor/writer for Ivy West(Motto: "Excellence Via Velvet Mediocrity" or "Have Fun at State College!"), explained that not being familiar with the test is one of the more challenging aspects.

It also made me realize that there is an entire documentary for just the SAT. Think about it. It would be like Jaws. You want them to succeed in destorying the shark, but there is a part of you that rejoices whenever Jaws savagely devours a small child or fisherman.

OK, bad analogy(good movie). What I always forget about is that your entire junior year of high school, at least mostly, is used to prepare you for the SAT. Or is it sophomore year? Who cares- they've eliminated analogies and added an essay to the SAT. So when you ask students what they got and they say,"oh I really blew it. I only got an 1880." it's because the test is no longer out of 1600 points, rather, 2400 points.

I have decided that I am going to take the test in the same way- sober and un-sober. And present my findings to the world. I bet I could take the test 14 times and never get above a (non-essay) 1400. I just don't think I'm smart enough. My score from high school, BOTH TIMES, was 1320. I bet I can do better than that now, but not too much better. Though i'm excited to find out.

Thanks, college.

Awesomeness Pending Acceptance

i finally finished my show for Channel 101; the first one I've made in a looooong time. It's been a frustrating hiatus, but I'm glad that I finished something. Another notch in DV bedpost.

I dropped it in the mail and now I get to wait the rest of the week to find out whether or not it will be screened, and to be honest, I'm feeling pessimistic. I'm optimistic about the entire show, but I'm rather guarded when it comes to getting screened at Cinespace. On Saturday, I should get an e-mail of acception or rejection.

Either way, I finally finished it, I'm very happy with it- from the photography to the effects, to the sound and the music(holy shit it's rad). It was a blast to shoot and complete and I'm happy with the results.

Stay tuned peoples!

Where is the Universal Size Committee?

Iâve always wondered who the people were that decided on how sizes worked, because for the life of me- I still donât get it.

Letâs re-cap quickly so you can understand where Iâm coming from:

Small doesnât exist any more.
Pizzas can only be Medium, Large, or Extra Large.
However, when dealing with coffee, Tall = Small.
Some places establish their âmediumâ size as âregular.â
A large box of crackers is Family Size.
A large bag of Doritos is Party Size.
Models wear NEGATIVE size jeans, unless they are fat in which case they wear size 0.

What if a family is having a party? Do you buy the family size or the party size?

Besides this all, coincidentally or not, having to do with our over-excess, carb-counting, consumer-driven culture, what else is wrong here? Personally, I canât get around the fact that âsmallâ doesnât exist. Did 7-11 or Dominoâs pizza decide on that? Why did everyone follow?

Hereâs the thing: You canât have MEDIUM without first establishing what SMALL is. If medium is the smallest you can go isnât THAT small?! Iâm not debating things like Extra Small and Extra Extra Large. I understand that people and things come in all shapes and sizes. But at least there needs to be a tare. A starting point. A balance to the equation.

Letâs look at 7-11. You can get a regular or large fountain soda. Then you can go bigger. Big Gulp, Super Big Gulp, I think thereâs another one that is 64 oz.

And then- the 128oz âTEAMâ Gulp. One gallon of tooth decay sugartown for your little league team or AYSO kids.

When did size become such a distinct and furious marketing tool? Iâll never understand the soul-crushing negative size jeans which is forcing hundreds of girls into sweatshops and hundreds of girls into anorexia. Iâll never understand the extinction of âsmallâ pizzas(not to mention the disappearance of the PâZone). Iâll never really be able to distinguish why Tall is smaller than Grande and vice-versa. Iâll never figure out Family Size, Party Size, and Super Size, let alone, Super Size Super Big Gulp, Super Jumbo Big Gulp and Team Gulp.

What troubles me most about all of this is that I know the evolution will happen again. But will we move up again or change languages like Starbucks? Coffee versus Pizza! The ultimate showdown! What happens when Super Sizing isnât enough, or will the pendulum swing back the other direction and will Medium become the new large giving way to Small and Extra Small as itâs predecessors?

The only thing that really matters is that Team Gulp sounds gross.

Me worry, no bloggy

I've really let this whole "blog" thing slide in the past week and a half, and for that, dear readers, I apologize. I've actually been blogging- nay! administrating a secret blog for the documentary I'm working on. My job is keeping me crazy busy, but since we just entered production, I'll be languishing in the office a lot more sitting in front of Final Cut Pro doing my duties.

On top of the 10 hour days I've been working, I'm trying to finish a short film I shot a few weeks ago, and my deadline is keeping me under the gun. It's coming together pretty darn well, and I'm excited to share the finished product with y'all.

Rest assured, oh those of you who care(Hi Andy!), I am working hard to remedy this lapse of bloggitude. There is also the mention, from some of you, for the epic story of my medical marijuana doctor's journey which I am crafting slowly for a two part blog special coming soon. Indeed, friendly California potheads, you will not be left without any iota of information you will need to obtain your legal right to getting "medicated."

Before I leave you again, however, I will ask for two things:

First and most importantly, to my readers who have not subscribed to this blog- Now's your chance to subscribe for free! It's fun and unobtrusive to your daily life, but provides you with MySpace entertainment on a semi-regular basis.

Secondly- California potheads- if you have significantly interesting and/or scary stories about your "medicine" please message me. If you have ideas for television shows, stories about law enforcement, concerts, behind the scenes gossip, anything- I'm interested to hear about it. Also, if you know anyone that grows their own "medicine" or has an enormous novelty bong, I am interested to hear about this. Sorry out of state stoners, you've got your own problems to deal with, like your stupid governments keeping your lazy, cartoon network-watching asses down, by not legalizing your "medication."

I'll be back more often(he lied), so stay tuned!

Suck it, Geffen

I recently had a nerd high anc decided to order some back issues of Cinefex, the definitive magazine for all things visual effects. One of the ones I got has an article about Frank Oz's 1986 "Little Shop of Horrors" starring Rick Moranis. It's a fantastic movie, one that my girlfriend and I adore with varying degrees of ferocity for different aspects of it's production.

Since the issue came out around the same time as the movie, if not just before, it contained some beautiful images that I had never seen before- beautiful pictures of the oft referenced, never-seen, original ending [SPOILERS] where everyone dies and Audrey II rampages across America and the movie ends with the image of Audrey II strangling the statue of liberty. They really shouldn't be spoilers because this is how the play ends.

In 1998, as DVDs were quickly flooding media culture, they released Little Shop of Horrors with a good chunk of special features, including this rarely seen, unfinished ending as a bonus feature. Within a few weeks, every single DVD was recalled from video stores and the company had to reauthor the DVD without that deleted scene.

Apparently David Geffen was not informed they would be releasing this scene and had wanted to include it on a future release of the DVD. When he found out they had released the thing he raised hell and the DVDs vanished. You can find one selling for upwards of $150 on eBay right now and the Amazon.com listing includes a specific note saying this is NOT the edition with the alternate ending.

The Cinefex article goes into fascinating detail about the ending where they did some pretty awesome effects. They used the same puppets they had, but to make Audrey II look like it was growing just made a bunch of increasing smaller scale miniatures. Things like that. I read the article desperately wanting to see this original ending that I thought was merely myth; to find out that for the modest price tag of one hundred and fifty dollars would enable me to see it wasn't good enough.

So where do I turn? The Angel YouTube. The entire 23 minute original ending sequence, sans sound effects and in black and white is available to registered users in one complete chunk or in three parts for those of us who didn't know you could even register with YouTube.

So fuck off David Geffen- as much as I love this movie and i want it to increase it's commercial revenue so people make movies like this again, that's what you get for being a greedy bastard and not letting people enjoy special features they want.

You got NAPSTERED!

Gateway

As I've been doing a lot of research into medical marijuana(honestly, just marijuana in general), I've found one thing to be true about the battle for and against legalization, and just recently found an article where a doctor sites this problem:

When battling for legalization, researchers and doctors attest to the drug causing little to no harm.

When battling against legalization, researchers and doctors say the drug is dangerous and deadly and the root of all evil.

Something that used to come up every single time in junior high or high school, was that marijuana is a gateway drug. If you use marijuana, you're more likely to use other drugs liek cocaine and heroin and LSD. While part of me feels this is true because I've seen it happen and because it was told to me in school, I really think that fact is the least researched aspect of the entire debate.

A few years ago there was a study about marijuana being a gateway drug. The study, conducted by the Center for Addiction and Substance Abuse, claims that marijuana users are 85 times more likely to try cocaine than non-marijuana users. But the figure was found by dividing the proportion of marijuana users, in their study, who have used cocaine(17%) by the proportion of cocaine users who have never used marijuana(.2%). (Morgan, Zimmer 1995)

In my personal experience I've seen a significant split down the middle- the people I know that have used marijuana that have tried other (federally)illicit drugs and the people that have used marijuana and never moved on. Besides the point that marijuana is significantly more available, especially now, than other drugs. I'm sure that the process of someone starting to use marijuana, being introduced to illicit substances and then proceeding to purchasing illicit substances is happening all the time. But there are more casual users of marijuana than fierce, loyal, desperate users.

What I'm trying to say is- the amount of marijuana users is so high(no pun intended), it has to drive up other statistics as well. So I guess in a way I subscribe to the "gateway effect," but not from an abuse perspective- abusing one drug will lead to the abuse of others. It's inevitable, with mind-altering substances that you'll try another; mushrooms to acid to peyote, cocaine to methamphetamines to barbituates; etc etc etc to etc.

Anti-drug campaigns have recently begun targetting marijuana more-so than all other drugs. Or if it's referencing drug use as a broad term, they just use marijuana because of it's "gateway effects." It's still prudent because marijuana is, as i've just said, more readily available.

Which brings me to my final point, one I seem to come back to over and over again. Would the legalization of marijuana, the insemination of it into society, with governmental control and taxation, create a frenzy of use and abuse? would crime go up? would high school dropouts go up? Or would there be a boom leading to a level, stable trend of use?

The Way Things Work

I am not a pot smoker, but I know many of them. This week I started work on a documentary about medical marijuana, it's importance and the way society is, well, having trouble dealing with the fight for legalization.

Here's how it works:

On the federal level, it's illegal. In California, it's legal with a valid prescription. In certain counties in California, it's still considerably illegal to be in possession of a controlled substance.

There are lawyers that are devoting their entire careers to marijuana law; there are doctors that are popping up across west Hollywood to open up clinics to be tested for medical marijuana; not to mention the rapid development of "dispensaries" around Los Angeles, where those with prescriptions can go to fill their prescriptions.

And how can you fill your prescriptions? Let me count the ways: candy bars, capsules, flavored joints, hydroponic kush, acapulco gold, maui wowie, willie nelson(the drug, not the singer)...the list goes on and on.

I've been spending the last two days reading the California State Health and Safety Code regarding marijuana and all of it is amended by the fact that if you have a valid prescription, you can legally possess and smoke cannabis sativa.

But if you're caught by a federal entity, like the DEA, you're screwed because they will prosecute you for a federal offense(if I'm correct, any of you lawyers out there can help me out).

Personally, I don't think it needs to be as much of a controlled substance as it has been for the last hundred years. It does about the same thing as copious amounts of alcohol, and it impairs your driving the same way. It's a huge commodity that isn't being taxed because it's a controlled substance. If it becomes legal, the government can control it and tax it and make some green off of it, just like tobacco or alcohol or firearms.

Isn't the promise of hundreds of millions of dollars a year enough to legalize something that is as harmful as alcohol? What about if Big Tobacco helped legalize cannabis? They could go on a rampage changing their tobacco fields to the wacky brand of tobacco. Or they could start marketing a whole line of Camel Spliffs or Marlboro Jazz, then they could be making money hand over fist hitting two huge groups of users(abusers) at the same time. With the marijuana, they don't need much processing(that I know of), nor do they need to add so many gross chemicals and deadly toxins.

And that might diminish all those half-lame anti-smoking advertisements that get a little too preachy or fake or gross or whatever.

So there you have it. Consider this the first of many entries regarding this issue of legalizing marijuana, as we have started pre-production on a documentary based on this subject. If you would like to be kept abreast of updates and goings-on behind the (hazy) scenes, subscribe to this blog! There are going to many many more stories, including some very interesting items that will definitely be flagged by the DEA, which I've been told are aware of this documentary. Stay tuned, stoners.

I KNEW IT!

As we were shooting inside a metal and cement box, with 3000 watts of power roasting us, our energy dwindling, i repeated a mantra, a crazy, heat-stroked mantra:

HOLY FUCK. IT HAS TO BE THE HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR, SERIOUSLY. I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS FUCKING HOT BEFORE.

Well- heeeeeeere you go! CNN.com(http://www.cnn.com/2006/WEATHER/07/23/heatwave.ap/index.html) says that California reported record heat across the state AND declared a stage one emergency. And they're worried about power, rather than people burning ALIVE, in this ridiculous heat. Turn it off, Al Gore, we get it!

And apparently there is going to be more of the same today. Ai yai yai...Is it OK if I just pass out now and save you all the trouble of watching me crumple to the ground later on? Good.

[crumples in his seat]

Captain Kid

Andy took me to the Pirate Dinner Adventure for our anniversary last weekend. I know you're jealous you didn't get to meet this little guy.

Community Service

A few days ago, Max Girlie, Carter and I went looking to rent Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. In our own quest, which sadly was unfruitful(can you believe it?) we came upon a far richer trove of treasure that we plundered with glee.

You see, Hollywood Video is selling off the entirety of their VHS collection, which at this point, isn't saying too much. I think companies stopped releasing movies on VHS three years ago, even though we didn't find any movies made later than 1994. They are selling these gems of modern culture 5 for $15.

We each left with an armload of amazing cinematic glory, the likes of which will never be seen again by anyone other than us.

No one is going out of their way to purchase, Outlaw Force, written, directed, produced, and starring Christian Country star David Heavener. The story of a man who's wife is raped and murdered and his child is kidnapped. When the law doesn't do anything, he drives ten minutes to Los Angeles and....well...I left just as Frank Stallone, the good cop with a conscience showed up. But something tells me a lot of lead was flying and that little girl screamed "daddy!" a lot.

My other vintage classics include: Bigfoot, Danger: Diabolik, Day of the Survivalist, and Cruise Missile. The latter two being made in the late eighties and obviously having to do with the coming nuclear holocaust. Day of the Survivalist, however, is unique in that it preempts any nuclear war and is about a Vietnam vet who leaves the city behind to live peacefully in the woods; but his serenity is cut short when a bunch of "hardcore survivalists fleeing the coming nuclear holocaust" disrupt his attempt at a peaceful life.

Awesome awesome awesome.

The way I look at it, we are doing a community service, collecting these movies and saving them, nay, cherishing them and keeping them safe from a trash compacter. Most of these movies are so definitive of the time they were made, the gross machismo of diesel pick-up trucks; the horrific coke-addled, anabolic-steroid, hackneyed muscle man action comedies; and the holier-than-thou, faux-cowboy, action comedies.

All this would be forgotten if it weren't for a couple of yahoos sitting in the aisles of Hollywood Video giggling about Shadow Force, Outlaw Force, Super Force, Mega Force, Ninja Force, and Viper Force.

Our service to the cinematic, anthropological community is our selfless act- one we do willingly to preserve our history as the stupidest, money driven society, man kind will ever see.

Long Live Frank Stallone!

Slowing Down

I've taken like, fourteen naps today and I'm just getting more and more tired each time I wake up.

And I'm slowing down, too. I'll get less and less stuff done between each exhaustion collapse into the cradle of my futon. Is anyone else experiencing this? I mean, is there something in the air? Or is my body just slowing down it's vital organs to use less energy and hibernate through the horrible, warm, sunny summer.

I haven't left my house today, but let me qualify that- i woke up late, i needed to do a lot of cleaning and organizing and i needed to do some important editing. But I guess I just needed to do a lot of sleeping in between those tasks.

This probably is going to result in me being up for the entire night bouncing off the walls.

I'll probably make one bounce and then crumple into a heap of snoring jammers.



oh noooooo....

Hurry up, Science!

Dear Science,

What the fuck are you waiting for? I know you know how to get me to space as well as the moon, so whenever you feel like it- beam me up. In judging from this past week's top headlines regarding the coming nuclear armageddon, it's become quite clear that I am going to have to get off this doomed, smog covered rock and either move to Arcata to live on a pinko-commie hippie commune, or blast myself into outer space and live amidst the stars and unicorns.

I know you have friends at NASA(National Association of Science Association), who have been to space and lived there for quite some time. But are we really doing everything we can to aid in the race against time and preparing ourselves for the inevitable exodus? Hell no. Science, you need to speed things up and start building moon colonies and space stations so I can start my lucrative career as a space pirate.

If you need some help (besides money), I'll be happy to intern for you guys next summer if it means a hire spot on the evacuee list. Don't let this thing turn into a fight against the media when you're blamed for doing enough. We all saw what happened with FEMA; don't let that happen to you.

Besides, Science, we KNOW that you're at fault for the inevitable worldwide destruction. I'm sick of you spinning this bullshit towards "man's inhumanity to man" or how "human nature is made to be self-destructive." You need to own up for your ridiculous accusations and be man enough to say that youre the reason for biological warfare and nuclear weapons, not to mention such always-in-the-news phrases like uranium enrichment and cure for the common cold. If you have any tact or class, you would own up to the problems being just as much yours as they are ours.

But all this can be forgiven if you can get me off this wet rock before Al Gore fires his pessimism laser into the heart of every child(read: our future), and it melts Dick Cheneys icy heart causing the waters to rise and engulf our planet while we make Ed Begley Jr. King of our WaterWorld and surf the waves on enormous rafts made from Styrofoam(how ironically convienent).

Id rather be on the moon at that point eating hydroponic carrots and astronaut ice cream, while playing MoonBall and using my FuturePhone to contact the new race of MerPeople on our home planet.

In the end, its up to you Science to make a decision on how you want to be remembered- as the savior of humans in all forms and the study to cure disease and make me immortal, or as the primary instrument of the complete destruction of all mankind, resulting in a complete loss of language and communication and higher intelligence effectively negating your entire existence? It sounds to me like youre in complete control of your future- so whats it going to be, Science?

Regards,
Jeff Crocker

PS- Could you also maybe consider hooking me up with alternative fuel? Maybe then well at least stop fighting over oil and leaving a giant hollow crater where the middle east is

PPS- And would it kill you to build a better mousetrap? Jesus, you'd think extinction was a crime; just wait until your blankets are all chewed up and you've got comical holes in your baseboards....

I am not a racist

I was a little thankful that my profile wasn't posting spam bulletins for the last four or five days.

Until today when my profile was making racist threats through the Myspace Bulletin board.

Gross. I am so annoyed and disgusted and embarassed that my picture was used in conjunction with something I would never do.

I deleted the bulletin immediately but it was too late- people had already seen the bulletin. Arielle pointed out that as soon as she clicked on the bulletin and it opened, she was taken to a MySpace login screen.

Duh.

Holy shit, it all makes sense. I NEVER fall for that stuff. But I'm sure that there was one day I clicked on a bulletin and was taken to this screen. If it was one of those days when MySpace was going crazy (server is busy, Oops! An error occured, etc) then I'm sure that I would have re-logged in and there you go- how some robot got my login and password.

So now I'm going to have to change my login and password and hope that that solves the problem.

EXCEPT MYSPACE IS BUSY RIGHT NOW AND I CAN'T GET INTO MY OWN ACCOUNT LONG ENOUGH BEFORE I GET AN ERROR MESSAGE.

I am so frustrated.

-----

Of course I didn't post that when I wrote it because MYSPACE was broken.

But I just changed my password to: hideandgofuckyourselfspam

If anyone reading this sees me posting spam bulletins, please let me know. I keep a pretty close eye and hopefully this will fix things....if it doesn't I'll have to go visit the wizard- Tom.

Get Behind the Monster Revolution

For awhile, the Monster Movement has been brewing beneath the glossy American blue collar society. This is something that high society has ignored, deciding instead of giving monsters their rights to free assembly and equality, they have proved imperially to squelch the Monster Revolution.

Most of us dont give monsters a second glance. We assume that those scary or hilarious creatures that frighten or entertain us are just figments of our imagination. People cant believe that these entities have feelings, emotions, and lives like humanity. In fact, its the greater denizens of Monstropolis (their self proclaimed capital city, existing more in a state of mind than a physical location), that have begun to bring the fight for Monster Rights to the forefront of American culture.

But the battle to secure equal rights among all Monstrosity has delivered a stinging blow to Capitol Hill, one that our current administration thought they wouldnt have to deal with before this president left office. Yet it is this reason, many pundits are citing as the cause for the Monstrous push towards Monster Rights.

As predicted years before by the venerable Wolfman, before his retirement, he proclaimed that the Monster movement would run our country up the flagpole before the end of the century. While Wolfman was off by a few years, he was right about what has followed- a high-brow successful Monster Parade through which many venerable names are passing through and taking their screen time in an attempt to gain more attention for their cause.

Just this week on Anderson Cooper, Petes Dragon, the elder fantasy comedian from a land called HonnaLee, exclaimed his utter dismay about his lack of Social Security benefits (not to mention royalties he claims are being hoarded by CBS, like one of those [expletive] [leprechauns]!) Larry King interviewed reemerging mega-star Grendel, the star and namesake of Londons brand new opera. Grendels reaction to Julie Taymours decision to make Grendel the sympathetic character, rather than the spiteful beast he has been known for three thousand odd years, seems to portray what many of us already know: Hollywood is always attempting to be on the cusp of the liberal good fight. While J-Tays heart may be in the right place, we must wonder how much she is helping the situation; could her actions be hurting the Monster Revolution as a flag-waving, armband-wearing, reactionary for the left, and will the world wide conservatives use Londons Royal Opera company as a political punching bag to subdue this high-profile event?

Either way, other celebrities, from The Big Bird and Snuffleupagus, Bunson and Beaker, to Puff the MD, and the Asian Ambassador Godzilla; what happens to Monstropolis is in all of our hands. Where do you stand America? Where do you fall on the Monster Line?

AAAARRRGGHHH!!!

Can someone help?

I have three friends on MySpace named Jeff, and we all equally post bulletins. So one day when I checked a bulletin from a "Jeff" I was quite surprised to find MY OWN PICTURE being used to POST SPAM.

It happened sometime last week...? Or the week before? In fact, I'm not even sure when it started.

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHY MY ACCOUNT IS POSTING SPAM?

Two days ago I got inundated with friend requests from fake girl profiles. Then they stopped as suddenly as they began.

What the fuck is going on? Does anyone know how I can make my profile stop posting spam? Did I do something wrong? Has my profile been hacked in some way?

I'm so embarassed and disgusted.

Summer Songs

The New York Post via Stereogum.com

50 Years Of Summer Songs

1955: "Rock Around the Clock," Bill Haley & His Comets
1956: "Hound Dog," Elvis Presley
1957: "Love Letters in the Sand," Pat Boone
1958: "Summertime Blues," Eddie Cochran
1959: "See You in September," the Tempos
1960: "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini," Brian Hyland
1961: "Runaway," Del Shannon
1962: "The Loco-Motion," Little Eva
1963: "Surf City," Jan & Dean
1964: "I Get Around," the Beach Boys
1965: "California Girls," the Beach Boys
1966: "Summer in the City," the Lovin' Spoonful
1967: "Groovin,' " the Rascals
1968: "Jumpin' Jack Flash," the Rolling Stones
1969: "Hot Fun in the Summertime," Sly and the Family Stone
1970: "In the Summertime," Mungo Jerry
1971: "Brown Sugar," the Rolling Stones
1972: "School's Out," Alice Cooper
1973: "My Love," Wings
1974: "Rock the Boat," the Hues Corporation
1975: "One of These Nights," Eagles
1976: "(Shake Shake Shake) Shake Your Booty," KC and the Sunshine Band
1977: "Margaritaville," Jimmy Buffett
1978: "Hot Blooded," Foreigner
1979: "My Sharona," the Knack
1980: "Funkytown," Lipps, Inc.
1981: "Jessie's Girl," Rick Springfield
1982: "Jack and Diane," John Cougar Mellencamp
1983: "The Safety Dance," Men Without Hats
1984: "The Reflex," Duran Duran
1985: "The Power of Love," Huey Lewis and the News
1986: "Venus," Banarama
1987: "Here I Go Again," Whitesnake
1988: "Pour Some Sugar on Me," Def Leppard
1989: "Good Thing," Fine Young Cannibals
1990: "Vogue," Madonna
1991: "Unbelievable," EMF
1992: "Jump," Kris Kross
1993: "Whoomp! There It Is," Tag Team
1994: "All I Wanna Do," Sheryl Crow
1995: "Fantastic Voyage," Coolio
1996: "The Macarena," Los Del Rio
1997: "Walking on the Sun," Smash Mouth
1998: "Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It," Will Smith
1999: "Livin' La Vida Loca," Ricky Martin
2000: "Who Let the Dogs Out?" Baha Men
2001: "Bootylicious," Destiny's Child
2002: "Hot in Herre," Nelly
2003: "Crazy in Love," Beyoncé
2004: "Yeah," Usher
2005: "Hollaback Girl," Gwen Stefani

I really thought that I was going to have a lot to bitch about this list(the ones within my lifespan), but I think it's pretty solid. While, like any self respecting cultural musical enthusiasit, I don't want to believe that the hottest thing in 1996 was "The Macarena," I do remember that song was....shudder...a hit.

Not to mention, rocking sixth grade dances with "Whoomp! There it is!"

I would say that the only disparity is two years(already?) ago, I would have assumed the Summer Song was "Hey Ya" and not whatever Usher song that is.

Happy Birthday Hilary!

Calm Before The Heat Wave

I don't know if I mentioned the show I was working on last month, in Huntington Beach, aptly named "The Beach."

Anyhow, they called me to shoot all next week, so I just wanted to drop a blog on MySpace before, most likely, I disappear for seven days.

The show is a fake reality show a la Laguna Beach, about Huntington Beach life guards, except two of the six main characters are lifeguards the rest are actors. Hmmmm....

It's kind of silly, but honestly, it's not a bad idea and if it weren't so trite(and fake) it would be interesting. But in the end, it's not the show that makes me crazy, it's the nutballs that are running it.

We'll be entering probably week 7, for shooting a pilot? Um...something's a bit off. They've been shooting since March, off and on, and seriously- if you haven't gotten what you needed yet? Iiiiiitttttttt.....may not be coming.

However, if they are willing to pay me to fuck around on the beach dragging a wagon(see Sisyphus), then I'll gladly oblige as I'm running up quite a tab on my AmEx and unemployment isn't quite going to do it for my lifestyle.

Send sunblock. See you all soon.

Karaoke

Am i the last one on earth to see these?

..>

Holy shit. Get yourself to YouTube, search "Star Trek G4" and watch the rest of the spots for Star Trek 2.0.

And make sure you watch "Cribs - Director's Cut." It's off the chain.

The Absolute Pinnacle of my Nerdiness

I couldn't have possibly reached up to a higher apex of geekdom, than I did last week. The K2 of Klingon; the Everest of EverQuest; the Star Wars of Star Warses. What is this brilliant north star in my big dipper of nerding out?

Booxter.

What exactly is booxter? It's a software program for cataloguing, organizing, and managing personal or public libraries. Meaning, you sit at home for a week and type in the information for your books in your bookshelf. Is this so you can read your books anytime on your computer? No. In fact, you can't really do anything with the program besides have a record of what books you own or have read.

I mean, it's got a few more features than that; you can create genres in any way you want, you can keep records of whether or not your books are signed, lent out to friends, and keep detailed notes on them without writing in the book. You have the ability to keep track of the money spent on the books as well as their current cumulative worth.

The way it works is this- you can manually type in the information from the copyright page, or if you're connected to the internet, type in the ISBN number and Booxter will search the library of congress for you. Pretty sweet. But it doesn't have to stop there- if you've created a book, or have a bunch of magazines and literary journals, you can manually input all their information as well.

But what does this mean for my pocket protectin' computer programmin' dungeons and dragons playin' future as the nerdiest man alive? I'm not sure. It does say a lot for my book obsession, something that I have written about before at length.

On one hand, I'm spending this week cataloguing my books, if only so that I can tell people what books I have regardless of having my library at my finger tips. It's %50 like iTunes because I can organize my books in whatever way I feel like but I can't access my books on my computer. It's ALMOST useless, but that fact alone is the reason it is a nerdy endeavor.

Why? The answer is always "Why not?"

Why do you program a videogame about drug dealing to work on your monochromatic graphic calculator? Why do we care about what color or size or capacity our iPod has? Why do you a website allowing friends to interact over the computer without ever speaking over the phone or communicating in person?

Why do I want to program my books into my computer? It's the same reason we want to use computers to do everything? It further increases the usability of my computer, creating another layered task to accomplish and categorize. There's a program that does the same thing for DVDs and although I could surely be considered a movie geek, this clearly locks me into my role (model) as a book nerd.

Booxter gives me the kind of reassurance that I can sit at home and inventory, categorize, and appraise the value of my personal library, all while someone sits at home developing the software for me to do so.

And it's just going to get better and better and better and SkyNet. I, Jeff Crocker, will welcome our robot overlords and bow before their cold, emotionless, tyrannical rule. Besides, they're going to need nerds to teach them Klingon.

The Chair

Do people still have "chairs" anymore? You know, like how people say, "I remember a long time ago when Grandad used to sit in His Chair and watch Dan Rather talk about the world." Or "My Dad would come home and sit in His Chair with the evening paper."

I always thought the chair was an odd icon of a bygone era- no one I know or their father's have big, leather easy chairs where they think about the plight of man. You hear about armchair critics and so on, but have true armchair experts gone the way of the dodo? What are men doing nowadays instead of coming home, slipping off their Florsheims and settling into their Chair to involve themselves with the rest of the planet Earth. Is it an age? Do you have to reach a certain age to get a Chair?

But is the Chair there because of the man, or is the man there because of the Chair? Which came first? What is the history of "The Chair?" What does it mean? Where did it come from and where is it going? To answer these questions perhaps we need to look back into our domestic past. Let's start when people had "sitting rooms."

Here are the facts that I have gleaned from various sources:*

Sitting rooms replaced the Parlour, and I imagine the sitting room's inception came with the advent of our modern consumer stereo equipment. People would cease to need the antiquated 'Parlour' to entertain guests and began exhibiting the new technology of the time, possibly as a sign of status. The Sitting Room would probably remain as we moved from gramaphones to radios and more traditional record players. I'm guessing this is all circa early 20th century, the 20s and 30s. Around the beginning of the 40s, while America went to war(as did the rest of the world), the radio and the sitting room became increasingly important. Thusly, when the war ended and we zoomed toward the middle of the century in our convertibles and coupes, we were beginning to raise families, and television was rapidly being introduced to the average joe. Technology takes over again and the sitting room experienced higher evolution, going through mitosis and gave way to the "family room" and "living room." Both were reminiscent of ye olde sitting room, but as the living room became more formal, the family room became a place for the television and the children, as well as advancement in furniture technology resulted in cheaper and more durable sofas, where a family could spend time together. It was this fact** that I think caused men to seek refuge in a Chair.

But sometimes a man didn't want to be seen as a family man and he needed to lock himself in an emotional "tower" and sit on his "throne," governing and dispensing "advice(loud)" and punishment(loud).

I sort of have a chair at my girlfriend's house, but it could be considered a quiet rebellion of her relentless hatred of style for such a comfortable chair. Still, I don't engage in Chair-like activities in this chair besides television viewing. I think the closest thing I do to a Chair activity is take off my shoes after walking in. I don't read the paper, smoke my pipe(or any pipe for that matter), or read anthropology books.

Even though this chair is very comfortable, it's certainly not the style of a Chair. You know what I mean- huge and imposing; large backed and soft leather; probably a brown or burgandy in color and is probably handmade. The chair I sit in actually is dark red, but it's got a weird, wannabe argyle pattern on it, has a small back, is definitely not leather, not imposing, and was probably made by an Indonesian woman with bound feet. My girlfriend refers to it as "the gay harlequin chair."

I suppose that I'm not meant to have a chair at this point in my life. I'm too young and I haven't been overseas in any war; I don't have a family of two and a half children, nor do I own a house and work in an office building.

Perhaps a Chair is a badge, a medal, a source of pride and accomplishment. It's something that you have worked so hard to get to, something that is worth more than any other possession, but just less than your house and family and job, yet deep down you know that should anything happen- you've always got your Chair. It's the place to hide in plain sight, thinking about the rest of your life ahead of you; wondering what happened to everything innocent in the world. Rebellion against everything you know is wrong and harmful, from a place of serenity and safety. From here you can grumble and murmur to deaf ears, blind eyes, and turned backs. Firmly, comfortably planted in the one place you will command forever.

A Throne for a king- except you don't have a country or servants or much power.

So, maybe you're just a guy in a chair, reading the paper in a sweater vest.





*[data not found; sources non-existant]
**not an actual fact


(Here's another question- do women ever take ownership of a chair? Or is it not as important to them? "Grandma used to come home and sit in her chair with her pipe."

Follow up question: Did (do?) women ever smoke pipes? Or are males humanity's pipesmokers?)